I don't really expect anyone to read this. I'm just trying to get my feelings out and see if maybe I can find some light in all my darkness. I don't want to waste anyone's time so please don't feel obligated in any way to read what I have to say. It's ok, really.
I am having a hard time right now. Blogging, weight loss, life, and trying to think of a title for this damn post. I'm in a rut, a deep, dark, rut. I feel like a fish flopping around in the bottom of a boat. And I don't like it. I write blogs in my head when I am falling asleep but they never seem to make it here. I'm reading and trying to stay caught up but I haven't been very good at commenting. I just don't feel like I have anything of value to add when there are so many other great comments.
I'm disgusted and discouraged and today I feel like throwing in the towel. I have lost 60 pounds, maybe I should just be happy with that and not be greedy. I've been bouncing between 270 and 267 for over 3 months, since November 11th. One day, two weeks ago, I saw 263 but that was after a weekend out of town, shopping, lots of driving and not very much water, so I know I was just dehydrated. Still, I saw it and it pisses me off that I haven't seen anything near it since then. I saw 266.0 three mornings in a row this week so I was really hoping for at least 265.9 today. I was really thinking that all the training and sore muscles was going to start paying off and the scales would show it on official weigh-in day. Today…I saw a big fat screw you, laughing in my face, 268.6. I worked out hard on Wednesday, I did 25 minutes on the elliptical, situps, pushups, squats, and walking lunges. And today it seems like it was all for nothing. I have been working with my trainer for a month and still no difference. I mean really, what the hell is the point of putting myself through all this? Why am I spending all this money on a trainer and making myself sore if it's not going to make a fetching difference?
I work hard when I am with my trainer and I am able to do more now than I did when we started so I know I am making some progress. But the scales don't show it. I have 3 sets of scales in my bathroom so I know it's not because my scales are broke - I primarily use the same one all the time but I check at least once a week with the other two just to make sure. So unless all 3 of them are broke then it's just me.
I meet with my trainer one day a week. I'm supposed to repeat, on my own, what we do on one other day during the week and do two days of just elliptical intervals. But honestly I'm doing good to make it one other day to the gym and sometimes I don't even do that. I am so sore after I work with her that I can barely move for the next 3 days. When the soreness does go away I wake up all gung-ho to go to the gym. But when 5:00 comes and I walk out of the office and it's dark and cold and windy and snowing and I know that nobody will miss me if I don't go to the gym then all I want to do is go home, put my jammies on, curl up on the couch and watch TV. I wish I could afford to meet with my trainer two days a week but I can't so it is what it its. I hate going to the gym by myself, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and that everyone is staring at the fat girl. At least when I am there with someone else I don't feel as self-conscience and I work harder too. I have no ambition to clean my house or do laundry, and somedays I don't even want to take a shower because I hate that cold chill that hits you when you step out of the shower. I hate Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's here, it's been here for awhile, I just didn't want to admit it. I went to my doctor and she put me on Cymbalta. It would probably work better if I could remember to take it everyday.
There have been a few posts lately about journaling. Every once in a while I will log all my food for a week or so. But, when I can't find the nutrition info for something then I get frustrated and quit. I am really good with breakfast and dinner most of the time but lunch kills me. I eat out with my co-workers most of the time and when they want to go somewhere that doesn't offer their nutrition info then I'm screwed. We have a fridge and a microwave but my boss is an ass if anything has an odor when it's being cooked, which is just about everything. Popcorn, fish, anything with garlic, all forbidden. Basically the microwave is a glorified coffee warmer. So I'm pretty restricted with what I can do for lunch. For breakfast I bring yogurt or oatmeal that I can make with just boiled water, or a Zone bar. I could bring cold lunch meat but that gets old after a few days and it's hard to stay in the office by myself when everyone else is going out. And truth be told, I need that break away from the office.
Right now the only thing I am looking forward to is Chicago in September. But if I can't get any more fat off my ass then I don't feel like I should go. I would feel like a big fat fake fraud.
The anniversary of my mom's death was on the 18th and yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 61…she's been gone 17 years. I miss her as much today as I did 17 years ago.
I now have 100 followers. I'm not sure what I did to deserve more followers but I really do appreciate it. I know I need to try to be more positive so that nobody is disappointed or gets scared away. I'm sorry for being such a downer, I wish I could just snap out of this. I don't want to waste anyone's time on my stupidity.
