1. Telling my husband and my son goodbye when they dropped me off at the airport this morning was harder than I thought. My son cried and then I cried too.
2. Traffic in Chicago sucks!! If you're staying downtown fly into Midway not O'Hare. It took almost 1 1/2 hours to go 18 miles. According to the driver of the shuttle bus there is never traffic from Midway into downtown and it's 8 miles closer.
3. If you lose the back of an earring you can bite a chunk off a wine cork and use that. Thanks Jenn Steele for that awesome tip...you saved the night!!
4. I had a really good hair & make-up day. It felt good.
5. I don't look like my picture on my blog, at least that's what I was told, twice. Jen took pictures and as soon as she posts them I'm going to steal one of me and use if for my new picture.
7. Best NSV of all - I don't need a seat belt extension on the plane anymore. Really! When I got on the plane I asked the stewardess for an extension and she said. "You don't need one." I said "Yes I do I'm flying to Chicago." Like it didn't even hit me what she was really saying. She said "No, really, I'm sure you won't need one." And when I sat down in my seat I was thinking how stupid we were both going to look when I had to back and tell her she was wrong. But you know what? She wasn't. The regular seat belt fit me...barely...but it fit. And I cried because I was so happy.
8. I am having the best time! It's all so much better than I ever imagined!!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The whole truth and nothing but the truth
I got this in an email today and I just had to share it. I added my own comments in parentheses.
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1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (Failure to complete this duty will result in being haunted for the rest of your life!)
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (Yup, been there)
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Why can't we turn the break room into the nap room for an hour a day?)
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. (Why hasn't anyone figured this out?)
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (We've been to the moon but this one thing is still beyond the grasp of the human race)
6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (Ha! They don't even teach it anymore!)
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (Yup, been there)
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Why can't we turn the break room into the nap room for an hour a day?)
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. (Why hasn't anyone figured this out?)
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (We've been to the moon but this one thing is still beyond the grasp of the human race)
6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (Ha! They don't even teach it anymore!)
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. (Barely...I've been known to get lost taking a *short-cut* to work.)
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (Does anyone watch '1000 Ways to Die' on Spike? I love that show!)
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. (Well, at least in daylight hours anyway....when the sun goes down BAM wide freaking awake!)
10. Bad decisions make good stories. (and funny blogs)
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. (or week, as in this week)
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. (Anybody want about 100 Disney movies on VHS?....no?....didn't think so)
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. (I hate it when that happens)
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. (guilty!)
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. (How else are you supposed to find hidden ice cream at 1 AM without waking up anyone else...ya know, cause then you'd have to share!)
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. (You would have bet on it because nobody remembers for sure)
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. (Amy W would really like this option)
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. (AMEN!!!)
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? (What?)
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! (Not so sure about this one....I'm usually the jerk trying to cut in)
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. (just ask my son...he'll wear the same pants for a week if I don't steal them out of his room and hide them in the laundry)
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. (Who still uses a watch?)
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! (This is SO true)
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (or to learn where their brain is REALLY located)
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. (You would have bet on it because nobody remembers for sure)
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. (Amy W would really like this option)
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. (AMEN!!!)
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? (What?)
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! (Not so sure about this one....I'm usually the jerk trying to cut in)
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. (just ask my son...he'll wear the same pants for a week if I don't steal them out of his room and hide them in the laundry)
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. (Who still uses a watch?)
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! (This is SO true)
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (or to learn where their brain is REALLY located)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
BOOB's questionaire
Hi all the boobie girls! Someone much more organized than I am thought it would be fun to know more about you, and she enlisted me to think of some crazy questions…so…this is sort of a Gillyified version of Drazil’s BYOC. Knock yourselves out.
1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favorite foods along. What do you bring?
Nachos
Shrimp cocktail
Cherry Garcia ice cream
2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?
Princess Diana - cause I wanted to be her when I was younger, I loved everything about her. I cried for a week when she died.
The man (you know it was a man) that invented high heels - cause I want to bitch slap him upside the head!!
Drazil - cause she warms my heart, makes me laugh, gives me hope and reads my thoughts then puts them into words that I cannot . I respect her so much...she is a superstar to me!! And guess what?? I get to meet her in 2 days!!
3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)
Rusty Falls....I better not quit my day job with a name like that LOL. Personally, I like LaVikit Trickelson.
4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?
I was 15. Least favorite: bat wings. Most favorite: I have a waist.
5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted? Yes and NO!
6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come? Natural color is mousy brown. I dye it because I like being blonde, it feels more like 'me'....and it gives me an excuse for when I do really dumb things. Life is for living, hair is for dying!!
7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?
bikini's for both ;-)
8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)
No trilogies??? UGH!! I don't care, I'm breaking the rules...Twilight duh!! But if I have to follow the rules (which were made to be broken) I'd say Dirty Dancing.
9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)
Pedicures
10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :) 48 YEA!!!
1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favorite foods along. What do you bring?
Nachos
Shrimp cocktail
Cherry Garcia ice cream
2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?
Princess Diana - cause I wanted to be her when I was younger, I loved everything about her. I cried for a week when she died.
The man (you know it was a man) that invented high heels - cause I want to bitch slap him upside the head!!
Drazil - cause she warms my heart, makes me laugh, gives me hope and reads my thoughts then puts them into words that I cannot . I respect her so much...she is a superstar to me!! And guess what?? I get to meet her in 2 days!!
3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)
Rusty Falls....I better not quit my day job with a name like that LOL. Personally, I like LaVikit Trickelson.
4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?
I was 15. Least favorite: bat wings. Most favorite: I have a waist.
5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted? Yes and NO!
6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come? Natural color is mousy brown. I dye it because I like being blonde, it feels more like 'me'....and it gives me an excuse for when I do really dumb things. Life is for living, hair is for dying!!
7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?
bikini's for both ;-)
8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)
No trilogies??? UGH!! I don't care, I'm breaking the rules...Twilight duh!! But if I have to follow the rules (which were made to be broken) I'd say Dirty Dancing.
9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)
Pedicures
10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :) 48 YEA!!!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Random Catching Up....
I guess I've been away for a few days...ok...it's been a week. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to abandon you, things have just been really crazy.
I've been busy with a lot of things but mostly reading a few books. When I really get into a good book the rest of the world stops turning. Seriously, I called in sick to work once (in the middle of Breaking Dawn) so I could read. The books I was reading was The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay. I've read the first two before but the last one came out a couple weeks ago and hubby bought it Wednesday for me as a surprise so I wanted to read the others again before I read the last one. Really, really good books!! I read until 4:30 in the morning Saturday night so I could finish the last book....I just could not put it down!
My son turns 13 on Wednesday. I cannot believe my baby will be a teenager. I feel so old!!
I had a .25 cc fill on Wednesday last week. I feel much better. I'm still able to eat but not as much and I'm staying full longer. Hopefully I can keep the restriction.
After my pity-post last week I did what Drazil told me to do. I got my ass off the couch and went to the gym both Wednesday and Thursday. And I lost 1 pound. Which I will take and be very proud of thank you very much. So, I am now 2 pounds from losing 50. This week is hella crazy and there is no way I see a gym date before Friday. I'm ok with that. I've trying to think of all the things I will be gaining by losing the weight and it's making me feel better. I've even managed to move a few things out of my closet for giving away, things I have no emotional attachment to, thanks to my husband taking everything out of my closet one by one and asking what the story is for that item. If I didn't have a good story it went in the give-away pile. It actually felt good, like progress, and a cleansing of sorts.
Hubby and I built a dog run for our dog Sunday. OMG let me tell you...my arms hurt so freaking bad today from putting all those wire tires around the top of the fencing. Now we're working on building a floor for it, just 2x4's and plywood but it will have to do until spring when we can poor cement. We planned on doing the cement before winter but we realized we won't have another free weekend until mid November and by then we'll have snow. My point in all this is that I managed to rip off half of my big toe nail while playing construction worker. Yea, it hurt like a bitch!! So I will have pretty painted toe nails in Chicago but one toe nail won't be so pretty. It's all my husband's fault, even though he was in the house when I did it, it's still his fault...ummm cause he wasn't there to stop me from trying to move the plywood by kicking it with nothing more than my flip flops on my feet. Sometimes blond goes more than skin deep.
I have been to my hairdresser 4 times to get my hair done for Chicago. #1 The initial appt to color and cut my hair. #2 to cut my hair because he ran out of time and didn't get it cut the first time. #3 To fix the crooked back of my hair and fix the color because after 2 days the color went white with black streaks. Can you say skunk?? But of course he never showed up. Do not even get me started on how pissed off I am. Needless to say I will NEVER go back to him again. #4 To a new hairdresser that fixed my hair perfect, better than perfect. I now love it!!
Like everyone else I am trying to figure out what to bring to Chicago. I really wanted to try to fit everything into a carry-on bag, but I'm kidding myself if I think that will work. I was telling my husband last night at midnight, that I can't decide what to take to Chicago. I was trying to explain to him how important it is that I am comfortable, look good, and that I present a good impression. He said "That's not hard for you to do, you always look good." Huge brownie points for him!! Seriously, I think if I just pack everything I own then I should be covered :-)
I really am getting so excited and nervous. What if I freeze and wind up sitting in the corner with that deer in the headlights stare on my face, terrified to talk to anyone? What if I try to talk to Drazil or Amy W and all I can do is studder and stare? What if I fart in my sleep? I've never had wine...will I like it? If I break a nail will there be somewhere I can get it fixed? What if I twist my ankle walking to the restaurant, fall down, and rip my dress? What if I never want to leave my new best friends? It's all so exciting and scary at the same time. But mostly exciting :)
I'm going to go catch up on blogs and get some sleep. Nite nite everyone :)
I've been busy with a lot of things but mostly reading a few books. When I really get into a good book the rest of the world stops turning. Seriously, I called in sick to work once (in the middle of Breaking Dawn) so I could read. The books I was reading was The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay. I've read the first two before but the last one came out a couple weeks ago and hubby bought it Wednesday for me as a surprise so I wanted to read the others again before I read the last one. Really, really good books!! I read until 4:30 in the morning Saturday night so I could finish the last book....I just could not put it down!
My son turns 13 on Wednesday. I cannot believe my baby will be a teenager. I feel so old!!
I had a .25 cc fill on Wednesday last week. I feel much better. I'm still able to eat but not as much and I'm staying full longer. Hopefully I can keep the restriction.
After my pity-post last week I did what Drazil told me to do. I got my ass off the couch and went to the gym both Wednesday and Thursday. And I lost 1 pound. Which I will take and be very proud of thank you very much. So, I am now 2 pounds from losing 50. This week is hella crazy and there is no way I see a gym date before Friday. I'm ok with that. I've trying to think of all the things I will be gaining by losing the weight and it's making me feel better. I've even managed to move a few things out of my closet for giving away, things I have no emotional attachment to, thanks to my husband taking everything out of my closet one by one and asking what the story is for that item. If I didn't have a good story it went in the give-away pile. It actually felt good, like progress, and a cleansing of sorts.
Hubby and I built a dog run for our dog Sunday. OMG let me tell you...my arms hurt so freaking bad today from putting all those wire tires around the top of the fencing. Now we're working on building a floor for it, just 2x4's and plywood but it will have to do until spring when we can poor cement. We planned on doing the cement before winter but we realized we won't have another free weekend until mid November and by then we'll have snow. My point in all this is that I managed to rip off half of my big toe nail while playing construction worker. Yea, it hurt like a bitch!! So I will have pretty painted toe nails in Chicago but one toe nail won't be so pretty. It's all my husband's fault, even though he was in the house when I did it, it's still his fault...ummm cause he wasn't there to stop me from trying to move the plywood by kicking it with nothing more than my flip flops on my feet. Sometimes blond goes more than skin deep.
I have been to my hairdresser 4 times to get my hair done for Chicago. #1 The initial appt to color and cut my hair. #2 to cut my hair because he ran out of time and didn't get it cut the first time. #3 To fix the crooked back of my hair and fix the color because after 2 days the color went white with black streaks. Can you say skunk?? But of course he never showed up. Do not even get me started on how pissed off I am. Needless to say I will NEVER go back to him again. #4 To a new hairdresser that fixed my hair perfect, better than perfect. I now love it!!
Like everyone else I am trying to figure out what to bring to Chicago. I really wanted to try to fit everything into a carry-on bag, but I'm kidding myself if I think that will work. I was telling my husband last night at midnight, that I can't decide what to take to Chicago. I was trying to explain to him how important it is that I am comfortable, look good, and that I present a good impression. He said "That's not hard for you to do, you always look good." Huge brownie points for him!! Seriously, I think if I just pack everything I own then I should be covered :-)
I really am getting so excited and nervous. What if I freeze and wind up sitting in the corner with that deer in the headlights stare on my face, terrified to talk to anyone? What if I try to talk to Drazil or Amy W and all I can do is studder and stare? What if I fart in my sleep? I've never had wine...will I like it? If I break a nail will there be somewhere I can get it fixed? What if I twist my ankle walking to the restaurant, fall down, and rip my dress? What if I never want to leave my new best friends? It's all so exciting and scary at the same time. But mostly exciting :)
I'm going to go catch up on blogs and get some sleep. Nite nite everyone :)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Dealing with the mental losses...
Drazil's post today really struck a chord (she has an annoying habit of doing that to me!). This paragraph specifically sent tears streaming down my cheeks....it was truly an ah-ha moment for me.
I've almost lost 50 pounds, 47 to be exact. I really want to hit that 50 pound mark for Chicago. And I should be ecstatic that I've lost 47 pounds, but I'm not. So many things are changing...my body, my clothes, and my emotions. I wasn't ready for all this, didn't see it coming, and I don't know how to deal with it.
It's like I have two people living inside me, and it's getting crowded. Meet Skinny Me and Fat Me (they really need better names, but this will have to work for now). Skinny Me is screaming to get off my ass and lose those 3 measly pounds. Skinny Me packs her gym bag before she goes to bed and even puts it in the car so Fat Me can't 'accidentally' forget it in the morning. Fat Me claims to have a brain fart and forgets to put socks in the gym bag, so Skinny Me can't work out after work. Skinny Me plans dinner meals a month in advance and posts the menu on the fridge for everyone to see. Fat Me decides she wants Arctic Circle instead of Tilapia, and seduces her husband into going along with her. Skinny Me is trying hard to evict Fat Me. Fat Me is scared....and sad. She misses chicken pot pie and scone nuggets at the fair. She feels left behind. Discarded. Useless. Like all those years didn't matter, all the times we cried together, ate Cherry Garcia ice cream at 2 in the morning, like she's been kicked to the curb as soon as something better came along. Abandoned.
The catalyst for all this is that my clothes don't fit anymore. Clothes I've had for years. My three favorite sweaters that I have worn every winter for years and they still look brand new because I baby them when I wash them. I love the way I could snuggle my arms into them on cold mornings. But now I can't. Because they fall off my shoulders. There is the dress that I wore to the first Christmas Army Ball I went to with my husband when we were dating.
I never got to go to the prom in high school, so the Ball was my turn to be a princess. And I felt like one. We danced, we had pictures taken, and for once, I sparkled. I wrote on Facebook that night that it was better than a fairytale, because fairy tales don't come true. The dress I wore to the Army Ball last year, long, black, flowy, elegant, beautiful. And I'll never be able to wear it again. (This picture is at the after party.....we had a blast!)
Or the bra that I wore on my wedding day. (I'll spare you the picture of that one.) It's all lace and boy howdy does that sucker lift and make some awesome cleavage. It was the most I had ever spent on a bra. But I was worth it. And every time I wore it I remembered how special that day was, how I cried when my sister helped me get dressed, and how incredible it was that night when my husband took that bra off me and we made love as husband and wife. And I can't wear it anymore. But I can't let it go. The jacket I was wearing when I signed the papers on MY home. The skirt I wore to my mom's funeral. So many more....
I actually took several things out of my closet last week. Put them aside to give away. Before I could go to sleep I had to get out of bed and hang them back up.
Like Draz said, they're not just clothes. They're memories. My scrapbooks.
My friend talked me into going shopping this weekend. I bought bras, pants, and tops. And I wore one of the outfits today, but it just didn't 'feel' right. Oh, it fit perfect,and I got lots of compliments. But it wasn't the same. It's like moving into a new house. It's exciting and fun to decorate. But it takes a while for it to feel like 'home'. My new clothes aren't 'home'. They are like the fun hotel you stay in for a week, but then want to go home to your old comfy bed, your own kitchen, and your own bathroom. But this time I can't. I can never go back.
So where do I go from here? I realize I am sabotaging myself. Stalling the inevitable grief of letting go. Trying to fit into my clothes for just one more week. Eating that whole damn Tostino's pizza Friday night, nachos for lunch yesterday, and 3 chocolatey turtles on the way home today. And I didn't go to the gym today even though I told everyone that come hell or high water I was going, but something came up and I let it be an excuse to not go. And Skinny Me is pissed as hell sitting here on the couch, crying at 10:30 at night, because I wasted another day not moving toward my goal.
I know that for me to be healthy, to be the me I know I am inside, I have to say goodbye to Fat Me and her clothes. I know that to lose I have to let go. But it's so hard. I've had to let go of so much in my life....my mom, my son, four husbands, my birds. I know these are just clothes, not priceless works of art, not people, just material objects, but priceless objects to me. They are the link that ties me to all the things that have made me who I am, to those memories that I don't want to let go of, can't let go. Grieving is one thing that does not get easier with practice!
I feel guilty that I haven't done a 'From My Rack to Yours' post. And I feel horrible that I haven't sent any clothes to anyone. But right now I just can't. I'm sorry. And that has to be good enough for now. Please be patient with me. I am slowly understanding why this is a journey and not just a to-do list.
Thank you all for being here, for listening to me, and for being my friends. You all mean more to me than I could ever put into words.
"if you don’t deal with the mental losses, if you just keep losing without letting go, even grieving who you were….well you’ll miss what you’ve gained and wake up one morning and wonder who the hell you really are at the core. It isn’t just physical. I don’t believe it can be."For the past couple weeks I've really been struggling. Conflicted. Anxious. In the lap band seminars, the appointments with the dietitian, the psych eval...nobody ever said I would lose so much more than the weight. But even if they had told me I'm sure I would have said something like 'Bring it on...this fat bitch has worn out her welcome' because honestly nothing anyone could have said would have prepared me for the emotional struggle that goes with my weight loss. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sorry I got my band. I love it! I don't regret it for a second. But I didn't know how hard it would be to 'allow' myself to lose the weight.
I've almost lost 50 pounds, 47 to be exact. I really want to hit that 50 pound mark for Chicago. And I should be ecstatic that I've lost 47 pounds, but I'm not. So many things are changing...my body, my clothes, and my emotions. I wasn't ready for all this, didn't see it coming, and I don't know how to deal with it.
It's like I have two people living inside me, and it's getting crowded. Meet Skinny Me and Fat Me (they really need better names, but this will have to work for now). Skinny Me is screaming to get off my ass and lose those 3 measly pounds. Skinny Me packs her gym bag before she goes to bed and even puts it in the car so Fat Me can't 'accidentally' forget it in the morning. Fat Me claims to have a brain fart and forgets to put socks in the gym bag, so Skinny Me can't work out after work. Skinny Me plans dinner meals a month in advance and posts the menu on the fridge for everyone to see. Fat Me decides she wants Arctic Circle instead of Tilapia, and seduces her husband into going along with her. Skinny Me is trying hard to evict Fat Me. Fat Me is scared....and sad. She misses chicken pot pie and scone nuggets at the fair. She feels left behind. Discarded. Useless. Like all those years didn't matter, all the times we cried together, ate Cherry Garcia ice cream at 2 in the morning, like she's been kicked to the curb as soon as something better came along. Abandoned.
The catalyst for all this is that my clothes don't fit anymore. Clothes I've had for years. My three favorite sweaters that I have worn every winter for years and they still look brand new because I baby them when I wash them. I love the way I could snuggle my arms into them on cold mornings. But now I can't. Because they fall off my shoulders. There is the dress that I wore to the first Christmas Army Ball I went to with my husband when we were dating.
I never got to go to the prom in high school, so the Ball was my turn to be a princess. And I felt like one. We danced, we had pictures taken, and for once, I sparkled. I wrote on Facebook that night that it was better than a fairytale, because fairy tales don't come true. The dress I wore to the Army Ball last year, long, black, flowy, elegant, beautiful. And I'll never be able to wear it again. (This picture is at the after party.....we had a blast!)
Or the bra that I wore on my wedding day. (I'll spare you the picture of that one.) It's all lace and boy howdy does that sucker lift and make some awesome cleavage. It was the most I had ever spent on a bra. But I was worth it. And every time I wore it I remembered how special that day was, how I cried when my sister helped me get dressed, and how incredible it was that night when my husband took that bra off me and we made love as husband and wife. And I can't wear it anymore. But I can't let it go. The jacket I was wearing when I signed the papers on MY home. The skirt I wore to my mom's funeral. So many more....
I actually took several things out of my closet last week. Put them aside to give away. Before I could go to sleep I had to get out of bed and hang them back up.
Like Draz said, they're not just clothes. They're memories. My scrapbooks.
My friend talked me into going shopping this weekend. I bought bras, pants, and tops. And I wore one of the outfits today, but it just didn't 'feel' right. Oh, it fit perfect,and I got lots of compliments. But it wasn't the same. It's like moving into a new house. It's exciting and fun to decorate. But it takes a while for it to feel like 'home'. My new clothes aren't 'home'. They are like the fun hotel you stay in for a week, but then want to go home to your old comfy bed, your own kitchen, and your own bathroom. But this time I can't. I can never go back.
So where do I go from here? I realize I am sabotaging myself. Stalling the inevitable grief of letting go. Trying to fit into my clothes for just one more week. Eating that whole damn Tostino's pizza Friday night, nachos for lunch yesterday, and 3 chocolatey turtles on the way home today. And I didn't go to the gym today even though I told everyone that come hell or high water I was going, but something came up and I let it be an excuse to not go. And Skinny Me is pissed as hell sitting here on the couch, crying at 10:30 at night, because I wasted another day not moving toward my goal.
I know that for me to be healthy, to be the me I know I am inside, I have to say goodbye to Fat Me and her clothes. I know that to lose I have to let go. But it's so hard. I've had to let go of so much in my life....my mom, my son, four husbands, my birds. I know these are just clothes, not priceless works of art, not people, just material objects, but priceless objects to me. They are the link that ties me to all the things that have made me who I am, to those memories that I don't want to let go of, can't let go. Grieving is one thing that does not get easier with practice!
I feel guilty that I haven't done a 'From My Rack to Yours' post. And I feel horrible that I haven't sent any clothes to anyone. But right now I just can't. I'm sorry. And that has to be good enough for now. Please be patient with me. I am slowly understanding why this is a journey and not just a to-do list.
Thank you all for being here, for listening to me, and for being my friends. You all mean more to me than I could ever put into words.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
What is wrong with this picture?
I got up late this morning, didn't have time for a shower, did damage control on my hair, and dressed in the dark so I wouldn't wake up my husband then off to work I went without taking 2 extra seconds to check the mirror. I worked all day, then went to dinner with my husband and my son, and then to an appointment to have my hair colored and cut. When I was walking out of the salon I looked down to step off the curb...and this is what I saw....
I shit you not!! I have walked around all freaking day with two different fucking shoes!! I am now wondering if anyone at work noticed. And how could they not notice? I mean really! Women notice other women's shoes. And why didn't anyone say anything to me? Hmmm? That'll teach me to over-sleep and get dressed in the dark half asleep. I cannot believe I did that!!
I threatened my husband with his life if he ever told anyone I did this. His correct response was "Did what?" Good husband.
And you know I can only share this with you because you are all so supportive and I know you would never laugh at me...right?!? You are my friends and you would never do that..right? Are you laughing? ok...really...you can stop laughing now...it's really not that funny. It could have happened to anyone. I'm sure I'm not the first. So who else has done this? No one? Really? hmmmm
Just one more thing to add to the growing list of 'Things that only happen to me.
I shit you not!! I have walked around all freaking day with two different fucking shoes!! I am now wondering if anyone at work noticed. And how could they not notice? I mean really! Women notice other women's shoes. And why didn't anyone say anything to me? Hmmm? That'll teach me to over-sleep and get dressed in the dark half asleep. I cannot believe I did that!!
I threatened my husband with his life if he ever told anyone I did this. His correct response was "Did what?" Good husband.
And you know I can only share this with you because you are all so supportive and I know you would never laugh at me...right?!? You are my friends and you would never do that..right? Are you laughing? ok...really...you can stop laughing now...it's really not that funny. It could have happened to anyone. I'm sure I'm not the first. So who else has done this? No one? Really? hmmmm
Just one more thing to add to the growing list of 'Things that only happen to me.
Thousand Word Thursday
This weeks assignment: A decoration in your home that is very meaningful to you - a family heirloom, a gift from your BFF, etc.
This is a a set of china that was my mom's and my grandma's before her. I have a couple more pieces from this set tucked away for 'someday' when I get a real china cabinet. For now this much sits on a shelf above the kitchen sink. A little piece of my mom to keep me company while I'm doing dishes. Here is a close up of the pattern (please ignore the dead gnats that get fried from that dumb light):
This is a a set of china that was my mom's and my grandma's before her. I have a couple more pieces from this set tucked away for 'someday' when I get a real china cabinet. For now this much sits on a shelf above the kitchen sink. A little piece of my mom to keep me company while I'm doing dishes. Here is a close up of the pattern (please ignore the dead gnats that get fried from that dumb light):
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I Wish Wednesday
Thought I'd take a minute and do a little I Wish Wednesday.
I wish I could put into words how much all your comments mean to me. I was so scared hitting the Publish button on my last post. I thought I wouldn't have any followers when I came back the next day. Not one person left me. Why do we not have words for more than Thank you? Those 2 words just don't seem enough. Your support is priceless.....I wish I would have found you all 10 years ago!
I wish it wasn't time for the fair. And I wish there wasn't so much damn food that I want to eat. I wish I could eat just one scone nugget covered in honey butter. I wish I could eat a slice of the homemade bread with fresh strawberry jam. I wish I could eat a Hansen's Hogie with 1/4 pound of grilled onions. But then I'm so glad that I can't eat everything I want. I love my band!!
I wish I didn't have to exercise to lose weight. To lose weight I have to move my ass, and sweat. And I hate to sweat!
I wish summer wasn't over and we had another warm weekend to go camping. Just two days with no TV, no computers...just campfires and board games. Weekends in the mountains feed my soul and rejuvenates me like nothing else.
I guess that's it for today....not much else going on. Have a great Thursday!!
I wish I could put into words how much all your comments mean to me. I was so scared hitting the Publish button on my last post. I thought I wouldn't have any followers when I came back the next day. Not one person left me. Why do we not have words for more than Thank you? Those 2 words just don't seem enough. Your support is priceless.....I wish I would have found you all 10 years ago!
I wish it wasn't time for the fair. And I wish there wasn't so much damn food that I want to eat. I wish I could eat just one scone nugget covered in honey butter. I wish I could eat a slice of the homemade bread with fresh strawberry jam. I wish I could eat a Hansen's Hogie with 1/4 pound of grilled onions. But then I'm so glad that I can't eat everything I want. I love my band!!
I wish I didn't have to exercise to lose weight. To lose weight I have to move my ass, and sweat. And I hate to sweat!
I wish summer wasn't over and we had another warm weekend to go camping. Just two days with no TV, no computers...just campfires and board games. Weekends in the mountains feed my soul and rejuvenates me like nothing else.
I guess that's it for today....not much else going on. Have a great Thursday!!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Thousand Word Thursday.....literally
When I started writing this I just meant to post the pic and a little description of why I like my tattoo. I didn't fathom this would go where it did. I have skeletons in my closet. Scary skeletons. I am ok with what I have written but it's a big leap for me to even mention the things I did. I don't talk about my deep dark feelings very much, or my feelings at all for that matter, if you hadn't noticed. I have a wall. A thick wall. There are things I have started to write about, decided it was too risky, and deleted. I could have deleted the last paragraph just the same. But, the fact that these things started flowing, I started crying, and I just let it go, tells me I might be ready. It hurts, but I know I can't heal without letting it go. Blogging is new for me. I am still testing the water so to speak. But I like it. I need this safe place. I need this outlet. And I'm afraid if I 'go there' it will be gone. Please be patient with me, I have a lot to work through....and I am hoping blogging will help me with that.
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Thank you Amy for this great post topic!!
I don't really have a favorite body *part*. I have crooked toes, my boobs sag and I'm dramatically lop-sided, yea, I know you wanted to know that. I like my face when I have make-up on, but really I haven't used make-up since it got over 80 degrees...and I wasn't about to do it for a blog picture, sorry, you'll just have to wait for Chicago to see that. My hair sucks!! I desperately need a dye job...I don't have gray hair (which really pisses off my younger sister that has a lot of gray) and it's straight and very fine so it doesn't do a lot and doesn't like to hold a curl. My lips are thin...we're talking chicken lips thin. I have no top lip! So I have my lips tattooed. Yes it hurts like a bitch!! My ass is HUGE. My thunder thighs are an embarrassment all their own. So as far as body parts go....I have a lot of room for improvement.
The one thing on my body that I do like is the tattoo of my parrots on my back. The fact that my sister did it makes it even more special. The tattoo is of Ralph & Gus. Ralph is an African Grey and Gus is a Quaker. Ralph was my first rescue and he taught me so much about patience and understanding and forgiveness. I found him in a dark, outside shed, freezing and starving to death in a tiny locked cage. He hadn't seen the light of day in over a year. I don't have Ralph anymore, he lives in Utah with a family that he adores. He became very aggressive toward me when I got divorced. African Grays are very sensitive to changes in environment and family structure. My husband left and he blamed it on me. It broke my heart but I had to do what was best for him. I get to see him when I go to Utah and he is very happy, and that is what really matters.
Gus is my little stinker. He is the only parrot I have right now. He lifts up his wings and says 'tickle tickle' for me to scritch his wings. He plays peek-a-boo in his birdie bed that I made for him. And he goes to school for show & tells.
When I got the tattoo it was to keep my first two rescue parrots with me forever. It has become so much more since then. I didn't realize it then, but now I see how the time that I was doing rescue/rehab was such a dark time in my life. I know now that I didn't save them, they saved me! I would sit in the bird room for hours and cry and they wouldn't judge me for my tears, they didn't pry or ask questions or try to *fix* me and their noises drowned out my cries so no one in the other room would know, they just let me cry, and I needed that. I cried for for my mom. I cried for my 4th marriage that was circling the drain. And I cried for my son that I couldn't save, that calls someone else mom, that I can't talk about, there are no words for the pain or how I will never forgive myself, so I cry. (And that I risk so much for even mentioning here now.) And I cried for me because I hated the person I saw in the mirror. Unlike my husband, or my kids, my birds were always happy to see me, would always talk to me, were always excited to learn new things. They were damaged, had been abused, and they needed to heal. And I understood. And something amazing happened....as they healed, as I saw them overcome fears of hands and food dishes and new toys and they would start talking again....I too decided I wanted to be happy and I let myself believe I was worth it. My parrots saved me! When I didn't want to get out of bed, when I laid there and prayed for God to just make my life go away, feeling that I couldn't make it through one more day. When I just wanted OUT.....I got out of bed for my birds. They needed me, but I needed them more!!
*******************************************
Thank you Amy for this great post topic!!
I don't really have a favorite body *part*. I have crooked toes, my boobs sag and I'm dramatically lop-sided, yea, I know you wanted to know that. I like my face when I have make-up on, but really I haven't used make-up since it got over 80 degrees...and I wasn't about to do it for a blog picture, sorry, you'll just have to wait for Chicago to see that. My hair sucks!! I desperately need a dye job...I don't have gray hair (which really pisses off my younger sister that has a lot of gray) and it's straight and very fine so it doesn't do a lot and doesn't like to hold a curl. My lips are thin...we're talking chicken lips thin. I have no top lip! So I have my lips tattooed. Yes it hurts like a bitch!! My ass is HUGE. My thunder thighs are an embarrassment all their own. So as far as body parts go....I have a lot of room for improvement.
The one thing on my body that I do like is the tattoo of my parrots on my back. The fact that my sister did it makes it even more special. The tattoo is of Ralph & Gus. Ralph is an African Grey and Gus is a Quaker. Ralph was my first rescue and he taught me so much about patience and understanding and forgiveness. I found him in a dark, outside shed, freezing and starving to death in a tiny locked cage. He hadn't seen the light of day in over a year. I don't have Ralph anymore, he lives in Utah with a family that he adores. He became very aggressive toward me when I got divorced. African Grays are very sensitive to changes in environment and family structure. My husband left and he blamed it on me. It broke my heart but I had to do what was best for him. I get to see him when I go to Utah and he is very happy, and that is what really matters.
Gus is my little stinker. He is the only parrot I have right now. He lifts up his wings and says 'tickle tickle' for me to scritch his wings. He plays peek-a-boo in his birdie bed that I made for him. And he goes to school for show & tells.
When I got the tattoo it was to keep my first two rescue parrots with me forever. It has become so much more since then. I didn't realize it then, but now I see how the time that I was doing rescue/rehab was such a dark time in my life. I know now that I didn't save them, they saved me! I would sit in the bird room for hours and cry and they wouldn't judge me for my tears, they didn't pry or ask questions or try to *fix* me and their noises drowned out my cries so no one in the other room would know, they just let me cry, and I needed that. I cried for for my mom. I cried for my 4th marriage that was circling the drain. And I cried for my son that I couldn't save, that calls someone else mom, that I can't talk about, there are no words for the pain or how I will never forgive myself, so I cry. (And that I risk so much for even mentioning here now.) And I cried for me because I hated the person I saw in the mirror. Unlike my husband, or my kids, my birds were always happy to see me, would always talk to me, were always excited to learn new things. They were damaged, had been abused, and they needed to heal. And I understood. And something amazing happened....as they healed, as I saw them overcome fears of hands and food dishes and new toys and they would start talking again....I too decided I wanted to be happy and I let myself believe I was worth it. My parrots saved me! When I didn't want to get out of bed, when I laid there and prayed for God to just make my life go away, feeling that I couldn't make it through one more day. When I just wanted OUT.....I got out of bed for my birds. They needed me, but I needed them more!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Chicago....wanna ride the shuttle with me??
Safety in numbers and all that jazz......
I am taking the 3:20 shuttle to the hotel on Friday and then on Sunday I'm taking the 10:25 shuttle back to the airport.
That's less than 48 hours with BOOB sisters. How will I ever get to talk to everyone in such a short time? I'm wishing we had more time. I really hope this isn't the one and only time we do this. There has to be more! We're not even there yet and I already don't want it to end!!!
So...if you're getting into O'Hare or leaving the hotel about the same time leave a comment and your email address and we'll get it worked out. I think I can change the times of the shuttles if it helps.
I am taking the 3:20 shuttle to the hotel on Friday and then on Sunday I'm taking the 10:25 shuttle back to the airport.
That's less than 48 hours with BOOB sisters. How will I ever get to talk to everyone in such a short time? I'm wishing we had more time. I really hope this isn't the one and only time we do this. There has to be more! We're not even there yet and I already don't want it to end!!!
So...if you're getting into O'Hare or leaving the hotel about the same time leave a comment and your email address and we'll get it worked out. I think I can change the times of the shuttles if it helps.
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