Onward and Upward....

Soooo much to catch up on so I'm going to do bullets....

But first I want to thank you for the comments and the texts and emails from my last post. I love you all so much!! The support and advice I have received from my blog sisters has been incredible. Read suggested that I might be depressed and I should see my doctor to maybe get some meds. I was already taking an antidepressant but I did go back to my doctor and she changed my prescription and I am starting to feel a lot better. I probably wouldn't have thought to do that without that email. Thank you Read....once again you said just what I needed to hear. I have a HUGE hug waiting for you in Chicago.

• Wade moved out last weekend. Actually, I kicked him out. The final straw was when he asked me what would I do if he spent a weekend with one of his 'friends'. Then come to find out he already spent the weekend before with her when I thought he was at a family reunion. Like he wanted my permission to fuck someone else? REALLY? And he finds it necessary to twist the knife in my back a little more by telling me about it. And he was overdrawn in his account so I asked him how he thought he was going to get there since she lives 3 hours away. She was going to give him gas money. I told him that makes him the prostitute. I stewed about it all day at work, then came home and told him he had to leave for the night, that I could not deal with him there. I didn't care where he went or if he slept in his car but I couldn't deal with him here. So he spent the weekend with her. When he got back I told him he had until the end of the week to be out of my house. It was hard to do but I felt so much better afterwards, like I finally opened the door to being able to move forward with my life.

• I filed for divorce on the 23rd. I did a workshop at the courthouse and filled out the papers myself. I have to wait 20 days and then turn the final papers into the judge. Can't beat a divorce for $155. Want to know what the 20 day mark is? Our anniversary. Fucking perfect! It will take the judge 1-2 weeks to sign the final papers and it will be done. You know what that means? It will be final either the week before or the week of BOOBs in Chicago. I will be accepting any and all drink donations in celebration of getting rid of the douche canoe. (I love saying that!)

• I am going to be able to stay in my house, at least for now. My sister (Clumsy who hasn't blogged in like forever but needs to get her ass in gear) and her family have moved in. We are the village raising the children....her 15 year old son and 13 year old daughter and my 13 year old son. Her husband has been awesome about everything. I have been calling him my serogate husband because he's doing all the work without the sex LOL. So my sister has started calling us sister-wives. And you should see the looks we get in the store when she says that. It is hilarious and I'm loving it! The kids like their new school they really like living in a safer neighborhood. We are combining our cat prides and I now have two ball pythons residing in my living room. Just call us the Animal Planet....3 dogs, 2 snakes, and more cats than I dare publicly admit to LOL. I love having my sister and her family here. Even with all the kids and animals it feels so peaceful and homey. 

• I have clothes for the BOOBs clothing exchange. Mostly sizes 2X and 24. And my sister is donating a few things for me to bring too...mostly nighties....all practically brand new and clean I can assure you...compliments of Clumsy. 

• I am so freaking excited to see everyone in Chicago. I am literally counting down the hours on a cool little app I have on my phone. It is now 24 days, 8 hours, and 35 minutes until I will be getting on the plane. I have my outfit for Saturday night all ready to go and no I am not wearing a dress this year. Is anyone going to Chinatown? Can I tag along? I am dying to go in that purse store that Draz, Jen, and Amy W found last year. Oh...and the 'Toy' Store too. As I am now celibate I plan to do some well-earned shopping there too :)

Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite my pretties!!!

Bitterness with a side of Shitty Attitude and Denial ala mode for dessert please.

I wasn't going to blog. Because to do that I have to think and lately thinking makes me emotional, then I can't breath, and then I start thinking things that are not healthy to be thinking. Hell I already have tears running down my cheeks and I haven't even said anything interesting yet. FML!!

I guess I decided to blog today when I decided to check in and Read's blog was at the top of the list in my dashboard. I love Read!! She speaks my thoughts and makes me laugh...we have way more in common than I dare admit. As I was reading her blog and she was talking about being upset as she was leaving the marriage counselor and how she didn't want to go home after visiting her friend in Colorado I realized that maybe I wasn't so alone after all. Yes, I have supportive friends and I have my sister that I love dearly. And support is good. But knowing someone out there is feeling the same thing...well that is priceless. So I just wanted to say THANK YOU READ. You are an amazing woman!!

The most positive thing to happen this summer was a few weeks ago when I spent 4 incredible days in Washington with Ms. M and her family. And I got to see Jen Steele a couple of times too. It was perfect, even getting food poisoning wasn't so bad. I needed that vacation more than anything! That trip was my saving grace. I felt loved and safe and accepted. Something I don't feel at home anymore. I really didn't want to come home. And when I got home it was almost worse then when I left because feeling good again, feeling like there was a world away from this fucked up shit, where I actually looked forward to the day was something I haven't felt in a long time. Coming back was hard, really hard.

Since then I have been hiding.....literally avoiding people and not wanting to talk. Not answering texts or voice mails. I haven't been there for friends that I know needed me, because I can barely deal with my own life right now. I am angry and bitter with a shitty attitude. I don't have a whole lot of anything nice to say so I'm not saying anything. I am sorry....I am a horrible friend. I can't answer the phone because the first thing someone says is "How are you doing? How are things going? " So then I have to talk about "it" and then I cry...and then I can't stop crying. I know they (and those of you from here too) mean well, and are just trying to show they care. I do. But I am exhausted from crying, my pillowcase is crunchy from crying myself to sleep. I could say I just don't want to talk about it but I don't want to be rude. So I just don't answer the phone. I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying and lying to my son about the reason I'm crying. He's not stupid, he knows I'm lying, but we pretend that everything is ok.

So I have been avoiding people. Not blogging, not reading blogs, not answering phone calls or texts, not answering my door, and not wanting to go anywhere but work, and only because I have to go there. The only thing I have been doing a lot of is eating  ice cream and Doritos because we all know what stress does to our bands. Yup....I'm tighter than a virgin on prom night. Consequently I'm not losing weight. Not really gaining either. Just in limbo. And honestly, I don't give a shit either way. I have no ambition to try to lose any weight right now or exercise. And if I gained a few pounds I can't say as it would bother me either. The one thing I am doing in abundance is smoking like a chimney and eating Xanax like M&Ms. I mean...if I can't eat and  and I can't fix my marriage, and I can't bring myself to talk about it then the only thing left is self medication. Comfortably numb is a viable coping mechanism. Don't judge.

In an effort to keep busy and keep my mind off things I have been fixing up my home a little. I have decorated my kitchen, bought a new comforter, cleaned out closets, re-arranged furniture, brought home a new kitten, and bought a fountain for the dogs and cats to drink out of in my kitchen.

What the fuck am I thinking?

I know I can't keep my house...I'm sure the bank is going to appreciate the new chandelier in the entry way.  How I'm going to keep my pets is a mystery to me and something I am choosing not to deal with right now. Hanging new things on my walls? What? Like I'm going to be able to enjoy it? Oh yea....that's right....I'm living in Denial. It's good here.

Wade came back from AT a week after I got home from Washington. He moved out of our bedroom and into a spare room upstairs. I asked him to move out of the bedroom. It was just too hard to lay next to him knowing he doesn't want me as his wife. If his foot accidentally touched mine it ripped me to shreds. And me laying there shaking and crying never phased him. So he lives upstairs and I live downstairs. He is actively searching for sex partners. He doesn't talk to me unless absolutely necessary. He wants to move out as soon as he can. He told his family that he is leaving me because his son and I don't get along. His sisters put on FB that their prayers have been answered, that God is great and rewards the righteous. They also said they are happy for his son. They are dancing on my grave. Fuck them! And fuck him too!

I have been so confused. He insists he wants to leave as soon as we can get a few bills paid off, but then he misses a credit card payment so he can buy a membership to Adult Friend Finder and he's $87 overdrawn in his bank account, all cash ATM transactions so I have no idea what the hell he is doing with the money...I could make a guess and I would probably be right but it's so much nicer over here in Denial. He shampooed my bedroom carpet after he moved out of the bedroom and went to the store at 9:00 last night to buy me ice cream, and he's downstairs right now putting together a bookcase for me so he can have the dresser. He still shows up for counseling. Yet he insists the marriage is beyond fixing. He wanted to give me a hug last night when he brought me ice cream. The counselor asked him today why he was doing nice things if he was so adamant about getting divorced. His answer? He's trying to get laid. I informed him there wasn't a chance in hell. Yet he came home and started putting together the bookcase. I don't get it! I just don't get it!!

I never knew it was possible to love someone that you hate so much.

Yes, I have been though divorce before. A few of them. But I was always the divorcer, never the divorcee. I am not in control of this situation. There isn't a check-list for this. I did not plan for months, putting money away, letting go of my feelings, preparing for every possible situation. Maybe this is just Karma giving me what I deserve. It's not like I've been a saint all my life.

This weekend is my family's annual Huckleberry picking camp-out. My dad called me a few days ago and told me that he knows I'm going through a really hard time right now but he knows I'll get though it. My father and I have never been much more than polite to each other. And I certainly have not told him anything about my current personal life. Obviously someone else did....my brother I'm sure. It wasn't his place. My personal life is really none of my father's business and I feel betrayed that my brother did that. So now I don't want to go. I don't want to talk about 'it'. I don't want to be exposed, grilled, interrogated for details of why I can't keep a marriage together. I committed to the camp-out for Saturday - I'm taking the potato salad. Clumsy was smart and said she wasn't going before the pot-luck assignments were handed out. She's the smart one.

Bottom line - I really don't want to be the responsible one anymore. I don't want to figure out when his budget will be solvent enough for him to leave, which is what he thinks I'm doing right now. I don't want to have to figure out how to cover his fucking overdraft. I don't want to have to fight for my sanity, for my house, or my marriage. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to figure it all out. I want to leave too. Just get in my car with my son and the dog and drive. Fuck the house. Fuck Wade. Fuck my job. Fuck it all. I just want out!

So here's the thing...I swear to God if anyone leaves me a comment that says anything like you are so strong you can make it through this or that I've done this before and after 4  it should be getting easier then I'm going to puke. Bitter, Shitty Attitude, Angry....remember? At some point we all have our breaking point. I believe that man has found mine.

BYOC - BLTN

Better Late Than Never....


It’s BYOC day! Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer a few questions to get to know each other better and to give our blog brains a break! Copy and paste to your own blog and enjoy!!

1. Alright – forgive me – we’re gonna get a little personal here. I was flipping through my organizer and saw in big bright letters “ANNUAL PHYSICAL DUE” coming up soon. Then I remembered that last year my lady bits doc said that since I haven’t had a bad pap in so many years – that I don’t have to come back for another 3 years if I don’t want to. What the what? Did you guys know that? 

No speculum in the vaginulum? 

Anywhoozle – it sounds all good but really – do any of you follow this medical rule? Do you go every three years if you’ve never had a bad pap?

I had a complete hysterectomy when I was 32 so I don't have a pap to smear ;) But my doctor is all about prevention and since my mom died of cancer I get a full check up every year. She checks all my lady parts and I feel better knowing I'm all good. With that said...this year, in February, she gave me orders for a mammogram. And I still haven't gone to get it. She said technically since I just turned 40 she could reluctantly give me a pass this year but next year she would hound my ass until it was done. Yes, I know I need to do it. But having my fingernails ripped out with rusty pliers sounds like a lot more fun. 


2. If you read, what are you reading right now? Or how about what is your fave music right now?


I love to read! And now that I have my nook I love it even more. My favorite book of all time is The Host by Stephanie Meyer. I HATE sci-fi. But The Host completely drew me in and had me from Hello. I liked the Twilight series too, but The Host was so much better. The Clan of the Cave Bear series is my all time favorite series. If I had a little girl I would have named her Ayla. My mom loved them too. The 6th book finally came out after 6 years and I was really looking forward to it but it got some really bad reviews. So for now I'm ok with how the letting the story end after the 5th book. 


Right now I'm reading Water For Elephants. I'm at a tough spot and don't know if I can finish it. I believe there is a special place in hell for people that abuse animals!


Music....ummm right now I'm really into P!nk. That woman speaks to me! I also like Hinder, Katy Perry, Sheryl Crow, Adele, Creed, Daughtry, Maroon 5, Orianthi, Snow Patrol, Shinedown, Sick Puppies, Buckcherry, Evanescence, Elton John, Dixie Chicks (Not Ready to Make Nice makes my daily play list), Bitch by Meredith Brooks also makes that list,  I love to crank up Halestorm in the car and yell my lungs out - best workout music ever. I also like country - right now my favs are Jason Aldean, Lady Antebellum, LeeAnn Rimes, Sara Evans, JoDee Messina, Chely Wright...oh and Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton. I have a serious girl crush on Miranda and holy shit have you seen Blake lately? HOT!!! I would so do him...and her...or both of them ;)


3. Name some of your favorite smells.

Thunderstorms, Fall weather, Baked Apples, my mom's perfume (Poison), Scentsy's You Go Girl, Bleach (yes I know I'm weird), and fresh sheets.


I have to say something here about how a lot of you are saying you love the smell of your kids. And I think that's very admirable. But you obviously don't have an almost 14 year old son that thinks deodorant is optional. I can honestly say I don't like the smell of sweaty teenage boys. Yuck!

4. Showers or baths? Shampoo only or shampoo & conditioner? Shave daily or just when you start feeling and looking like an ape?

Showers - always. Baths are, in my mind, boring and icky. I just can't imagine sitting there in a pool of my own sweat and dead skin cells and just staring at the wall. Please just poke my eye with a fork. I am an every-other-day showerer unless I have worked out or been sweaty, then I have to shower before bed. I am a night-time showerer - for several reasons. Mostly because it means I get to sleep in for an extra half an hour. But I also sleep better after a long hot shower and showering in the morning makes me cold all day. 


Since my hair is short I use shampoo every time I shower and conditioner maybe once a week. My hair dresser told me that red color is sensitive to conditioner so I should only use it when absolutely necessary to make my color last as long as possible. My hair is super fine and has NO texture to it. Putting conditioner on my hair means I will have at least 3 days of flat ugly hair days - so I use it sparingly. Coloring my hair gives it texture and makes it a lot more manageable so keeping my color and not letting my hair get 'too healthy' is key to having good hair days.


Shaving - The pits get it every time I am in the shower. My legs get it on the weekends - I have very light sparse leg hair that grows very slowly. It's ok you can be jealous :) The lady bits get the full treatment every time I'm in the shower. I have shaved for as long as I can remember. I have very sparse hair (see legs) so hair down there was never 'attractive' as hair down there goes. My motto...if it grows it goes ;)

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland.

Blogland is great. I am really enjoying the BOOB of the day. I am so happy for Band Babe and her dream job, Grace is engaged and going to live happily ever after, Dawnya cracks me up and I just love her - I can't wait to meet her in Chicago. Speaking of which....the BOOBs planning committee is working their tails off for us again this year and I am getting so dang excited I can't stand it.

Drazil and her BFF Jen sent me the best emails this week. Jen's subject line was 'Sorry your husband is a douche.' I laughed and then I read the email and cried. I had sent Drazil an email in response to one she sent me about the BOOBs blog and I mentioned a little about what was going on and why I hadn't been blogging. Then Jen sent me her email. And then Drazil sent me hers. It literally took me two days to be able to read though it. I would start reading and I would be crying so hard I couldn't see anymore. Then I would try to read more later and I would cry more. I love those two women more than Taco Doritoes and Carmel Cashew Crunch shakes!! 

The support and the love I get from all of you is priceless. Besides Clumsy (who if you don't know, is my sister) you all are the best support group I could ever ask for. Just knowing you are all out there makes my heart smile.

Real life - this is harder...first the good news. 


The good news is that in 5 days, 12 hours, 30 minutes and 6 seconds, my youngest son and I will be getting on a plane to go see Ms. M and Julie S in Seattle. I cannot wait!! My son has never been on a plane or seen the ocean so I am super excited for him. For me, I am just looking forward to seeing my BOOB sisters, putting my feet in the ocean, riding the ferry, and crying on a shoulder or two. I need a break. I need to get away from everything here. Julie has been a rock for me lately and I love her more than I could ever say! And Jen left me the sweetest voice mail that I have listened to 74 times at least. I'm not good at returning calls or emails....sometimes I just don't know what to say or I'm just tired of talking. But I want you all to know that it means so much to me that you have reached out to me. It means the world to me. I know I'm going to cry when I get off the plane and see them there. 


And the bad......I haven't been blogging lately because real life sucks big green donkey dicks. And I am trying to deal with that and wrap my head around it. My life has been dumped upside down and the bottom ripped out from under me. I haven't been able to explain it to myself let alone put it into words. What I know for sure is this. My husband wants a divorce and I'm not going to fight him. He wants to 'see' (read: have anonymous sex) with other people. And that includes other men too. He told me all he needs or ever needed was a piece of ass and a babysitter for his son. -- And yes he said that to the marriage counselor too. -- That's what I have been. I provided a roof over his head, a piece of ass, and a babysitter for when he had his son for visitation. I supported him while he went through school. He has used me for all I'm worth and he is done with me now. Oh....and here's the really fun part. I had to BEG him to stay living here so that we can pay off the debt WE accrued while married. He agreed to stay until the end of the year. I asked him to move out of my bedroom and move upstairs into the spare room. He had the balls to say "And what do *I* get for moving upstairs?" My response: You get to keep your balls. So we are room-mates. We have a financial arrangement. We will file papers when he gets back from Virgina (he is at his 2 wk annual Army training) and by the end of August we will be divorced. My marriage will be over. He can fuck whatever he wants. I will see him every day knowing he doesn't love me, he used me, doesn't want me, and can't wait to get away from me.


It is killing me. 


But I know he will not pay the bills if he leaves, I know that as sure as I am breathing. He originally planned to just move out on me when he gets back from Virginia in 2 wks. He had it planned months ago. I had to beg the fucker to stay. Humiliation does not even begin to describe the emotion.


I will lose my house after he moves out if I can't sell it. I'm not so much worried about that. I have never been in love this house. What I am terrified of is the possibility of losing my four-legged children. My son is devastated that we might have to move away from his friends and that he would have to go to a new school. Kayden hates the soon-to-be ex-husband. The man that he loved as a father, that he thought hung the moon, and would do anything to make him happy and make him proud is now ripping his heart out. We will probably have to rent for awhile until I can save a down payment for a home if I can't get what I want out of my house. Most landlords are not jumping at the chance to rent their property to a single mom with a 50 lb dog and 5 cats. To say I'm scared of what the future holds is an understatement.


I hate him. I hate him with all of my being. And I hope he gets gonorrhea and his dick falls off!!

BYOC - Part II Real LIfe

First, a little update on the angry boob rash. It is gone. For now. When I work out and I get hot and sweaty it comes back. However, I have found the most awesome bra in the world and it helps immensely. It's a sports bra but it has an underwire - NO uni-boob. And comfy - I can't even feel the wire - I could literally sleep in this little baby. Seamless. Oh, and it lifts the girls up higher than ever. I wore it to work under a knit shirt and actually had 2 people compliment me and one even asked where I got it. I took her in my office, locked the door, lifted my shirt and modeled my ta-tas. If I remember the next time I wear it I'll take a picture.

Speaking of the girls....I'm getting serious crepe-paper boob skin. Hopefully this means they are shrinking. 

And now...a little Real Life.....

I got a tattoo on my foot, a butterfly and stars. I have wanted one on my foot for a long time and when Drazil got hers I was like why the hell not? I told the husband I was going to my sisters for the day - and I came home with a tattoo and my nose re-pierced.  HA! (The stud fell out a few weeks ago and by the time I realized it was gone the hole had closed over). The butterfly is for me. There is a coffee cup at SBX that I want really bad with a saying on it that really struck a chord with me. I'm not sure if I remember it word for it word but basically it says "And when world went dark and the Caterpiller thought life was over, she became a butterfly" When I read that I seriously got choked up. I was going to buy it but they didn't have the mug, just the box. Here is a couple pics for your viewing pleasure. When it's done there will be 2 more butterflies,  one for my sister and one for our mom, and it will wrap up over my ankle.

I am going to Seattle to see Ms. M and Jen at the end of the month. Just me and my youngest son are going. Ms. M's son and my son are the same age and have similar interests so we're hoping they will have a good time together. Ms. M has some super fun things planned for us and my son is super excited. Personally, I'd be tickled pink just to see the ocean and ride the ferry. I lived in Bremerton for a year after high school and miss it so much. I can't wait to see my BOOB's and the places that still have a piece of my heart. 

Work has been crazy. I've been working overtime and bringing work home. I actually worked until 5:00 on Friday two weeks in a row. In 5 years I have never worked past 3 on a Friday. And last week my boss told me they bought another company. So that means in the next week I have to set up payroll accounts for another company and all their employees on top of everything else. 

My eating has been craptastic. I don't have time at work to leave for lunch, warming up left-over meat does not rock my world, and time for exercise is a fleeting memory. I have had way too many Taco Dorito and ice cream lunches (whoever invented Taco Doritos needs to be drug in the street and flogged). There have been several days when I have been too stressed to eat dinner. And twice I ate Zone bars for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I have seen scale #'s in the 250's several times but only once on official weigh in day. I have accepted that until my life resembles anything close to normal again that the scale is not going to cooperate. 

What else? Oh.....the husband and I have decided to get a divorce. We have been going back to counseling but the thing about counseling is that it only works if both parties want to be there. And he has made it very clear on more than one occasion that he does not feel he has anything to work on or any responsibility for the success of our marriage. There is so much crap I don't even know where to start. I'll just sum it up here by saying that I feel that I deserve to be more than just a babysitter and a piece of ass. I deserve better than that. I've come too far and gone through too much to settle for being #3 or even #2. I would rather be nobody's #1 than to be somebody's #2. We are going to stay living together until we can get some debts paid off so that we can both afford to support separate households. By the end of the year he should be able to move out. But for all practical purposes we are not together anymore. It is a only a financial agreement at this point. And the sad part is that I'm not really sad. But then again he made the final decision yesterday so maybe it hasn't hit me yet. 

And I bought a pack of cigarettes last week. It's still over 1/2 full but I am definitely stress-smoking. Don't judge. Smoking is legal and less work than trying to hide the body of the idiot I'm currently married to.

And just because I'm feeling guilty for not doing my Bandiversary post sassy I'm going to leave you with a picture of yours truly from last month. This was the day of my husband received his bachelor's degree. And yes, that would me trying to do the trade-marked Amy W toe point ;)

BYOC - yes I'm really doing BYOC

1.  Let's stick with the pictures/exercise and shoe topic and post a picture of (or describe) your work out shoes.

I have two pair of exercise shoes, Saucony's that I practically had to take a second mortgage to buy and cheap $15 Starters from Walmart. I love the Saucony's when I put them on - so comfy - but 20 minutes into a hard walk I feel like I'm walking on cockle burrs. I get huge blisters on the balls of my feet and they go up onto my toes and the blisters make my toes webbed. Not fun - but they are really cute! The Starters are men's shoes and they have a wider toe box. They feel like boats when I put them on but after 20 minutes of walking they are perfect. I guess my feet swell when I walk. So lately I wear the Saucony's for lifting weights (lately my ass...it's been 2 months). I wear the Starters for walking. They aren't purty but they work.

2.  Again with the summer/hot theme of the week....what does your current swimsuit look like?

I bought my first tankini this year and I have worn it once. It has black shorts bottoms and a black with white polka dot top. The top has a super bra in it and I love it. I can't wait to wear it when I go to Seattle to see Jen & Ms. M.

3.  Do you lay out, fake bake, sunless spray tan or use tanning lotion?

Ummm none of the above. I'm with Read on this one. People that lay out have to have something wrong with them. I cannot just lay there sweating feeling the sweat beads roll off my back fat and making my thighs sticky and itchy. I do NOT like to sweat. At least if I'm exercising I can justify it. But purposely laying in the sun is just crazy talk. I fake baked last year a few times when I was really feeling the effects of our 11 month winter. It was ok. I loved that in the middle of January I was actually able to feel warm without 10 layers of clothes. But I hated that I was laying practically naked (I never took my undies or bra off) on a glass surface that could shatter and break at any second under my weight. The entire 15 minutes I laid there I was freaking out wondering how many paramedics it would take to lift me out of the bed. And if I would be electrocuted when I crashed through the glass and shattered the bulbs with my fat ass.  And how much would I owe the gym for breaking their tanning bed? And what if someone before me farted on the bed or did something else really gross in there. Yea...didn't work out so much for me. 

4.  Describe your week in blogland and in real life.

Blogland - I have to confess I have not been as diligent a reader or commenter as I should be (see Real Life below). I have stalked kept up with a few but not as many as I would like. Clumsy, Ms. M, Danya and Draz mentioned my absence and that makes me feel good that someone remembers me. Honestly, Clumsy and Ms. M can't really help it because I irritate call/text them almost every day.

The BOOB's video made me cry. I. Can. Not. Wait. until September. I need my BOOB's!!

Real Life - I just wrote about 4 paragraphs here so I think I'm going to make it a separate post - so much to talk about. Yes, really. Yes, I will do it right now. No, I won't forget. Ok, ok...I'm going right now. 

Angry Boobs and a Scale Victory

 First I just need to say thank you for all the comments I got on my last post. I am so blessed to be part of such a supportive, caring community of women. The comments and the texts I received were just what I needed. Thank you!!!

Friday - my official weigh-in day - has not been a good day for me lately. Until this weigh-in day. I lost 3 pounds last week and saw the 5 on the scale. 259.2 - on a Friday!! I've seen that number occasionally on a Monday, sometimes even a Tuesday, but never Friday. And for the month of May I lost 5 pounds. That might not seem like a lot but to me it's huge!! I haven't lost that much in a single month since December. It has taken 203days for me to lose 10 effing pounds. 29 weeks. Geesh!!

And now for my Angry Boobs. I'm posting a random pic of me first so that blogger doesn't advertise my boob pic on everyone's dashboard. So...the first pic is me on my 1 year bandiversary. That blog is coming I promise! But right now I have a big problem. I big, red, angry problem. Boob rash. It's only affecting one boob right now, which just happens to be the big sister of the two. Since I had surgery I have gone from a 42DD to a 38DDD and some DDD's are still too small. A 40DD will contain the beasts better than some 38DDD's but the band slides up my back. So while my back and my chest are shrinking the girls aren't. This rash started about a month ago and would come and go depending  on how much I would sweat or move around. This week it has not gone away at all and after my walk today I felt like I had cockle burrs in my bra. Has anyone had this before? What can I do for it? Is there a salve or a powder that will help? At this point I'm open to any suggestions.

And now for my Angry Boob...

Emotionally Exhausted

I promised myself that before the weekend was over I would post a blog. This week has been one of the most emotional weeks I have ever had and I'm honestly still trying to wrap my head around all of it. I'm not sure where this is going to go so hold on.

I guess I should start at the beginning. Last weekend Clumsy, her daughter, and I went to Salt Lake. I took my last three birds to a new home. My Gus, a Quaker parrot, and two cockatiels. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. I know it was the right thing to do, I know they will get more attention and I know I'm not the same person I was before that could devote five hours a day to them. So I said good-bye. I am missing them so much, the house just feels too quiet.

Tuesday was honestly one of the worst days of my life. I can't remember when I was ever so scared of losing someone I love, or prayed so much. It started Tuesday morning when Clumsy called me crying hysterically, crying so hard she was throwing up. I called her back twice and the same thing, she assured me she was ok but could barely talk. Then she called me again. And she was calm, eerily calm. And she said she loved me and would always love me and hung up. And I got chills and the hair stood up on my arms. I left work and drove way too fast for what what should have taken an hour to get to her house. When she finally opened the door I found her laying in her bed, a bottle of vodka on the bathroom floor, a bloody wash cloth on the edge of the tub. Her arm was bloody but not bleeding. When she finally let me see where the blood was coming from I tried not to let her see how scared or shocked I was. She cried and screamed and hit herself and begged me to let her die. I tried to hold her arms to keep her from hurting herself and she fought me back. Then she would ask me to just hold her and she would cry and ask me to hold her hand while she died so she wouldn't be alone. Then she started throwing up. And when I got the garbage can for her to throw up in she tried to wrap the plastic bag around her head. I prayed for her not to die and I prayed for strength to call for help even though I knew she would hate me for the rest of my life. I prayed for God to show her she was loved. And I prayed for her to stop bleeding. I finally realized she was not going to be ok on her own and called for help and the ambulance came. She spent the night in the hospital and was released the next day. My best friend, my baby sister, is still here and she doesn't hate me. But even if she did hate me I wouldn't change what I did. I love her with all my heart and I never want to find out what I would have to do without her.

Wednesday I started training to add a co-workers responsibilities to my current job. She is retiring and only works part-time so I was asked to pick up most of her work load....because I have so much free time on my hands since the bosses cut off Facebook and Blogger from our work computers (can you hear my sarcasm?) She is also the back-up for another co-worker that travels a lot so I have to learn her job as well. Today was her last day. I had one week to train on about a third of what I'm going to be doing. This month is open enrollment and as the only person in the HR/Payroll department for over 300 employees in 4 states I really don't have the time to learn two new jobs besides doing my own. So much for taking a lunch break for the next month. At least I'll get a lot of overtime.

To explain Thursday and Friday I  have to make a confession of my own. I have another son, who is really my second son. So yes, I have 3 sons.

You just said OH MY GOD didn't you? It's ok, take a deep breath.

My son "A" doesn't live with me, and hasn't since he was 13. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen him since he was 13 when the judge banged his gavel and said "From this point forward your son is a stranger to you." And it was done. I have seen him in passing at the fair, in a grocery store parking lot, and at community events where we happen to cross paths. Last year I saw him at the fireworks and he asked for my phone number, which I gave him. He called me on Christmas. And he brought me Avon lotion for Mother's Day last year. Why I don't know...I certainly didn't deserve it. The story of why A doesn't live with me is a post all its own, or maybe several. But I will tell you this, I didn't do anything wrong and he wasn't taken away from me. What I did was my own choice, a choice no mother should ever have to make, one we will both have to live with for the rest of our lives. Maybe one day I will tell you all about it. The fact that I'm saying this much is huge. The only people that know is my immediate family and a few very close friends. I don't talk about it because it's hard and because it's not something anyone can understand unless they have been through it themselves. With that said....Thursday A called me and asked if I would go to his high school graduation. Me. ME. He wanted me to be there, to see him graduate. I told him of course I would be there. He dropped off a ticket for me at my house. And Friday after work I went to see my son get his high school diploma. I met the man and woman he now calls mom and dad, and I met his girlfriend. He gave me a hug and told me he loves me and that he wants me to be a part of his life. Me. ME. Saturday I took A to lunch and we did some shopping. We talked and got to know each other a little. I'm hoping that we can continue to get to know each other better and spend more time together. I'm being cautious as I have reason to be, but at the same time I'm very hopeful that is the beginning of a new chapter for us.

The weekend was a visitation weekend with the step-son. If you have been reading my blog you know that visitation weekends are very stressful. This one was no different, except that we are now on the summer schedule so we get 4 fun-filled days of hell not just the usual 2 days. Oh goody!

Sunday morning my husband told me he lost his wedding band at work. Really? Yes really!

Today someone hit my car in the grocery store parking lot and broke off my passenger side mirror.

On the weight loss front nothing much going on there either. I have been eating chips like it's my job....it's either that or I start smoking. And Dorito breath is so much more appealing than ash tray breath...no?

Saturday and Sunday night I slept over 16 hours each night. I needed it. I still feel like I could sleep for a week.

I'm trying to keep up with blogs but I'm mostly reading on my phone on my lunch break and I can't comment from Reader. I'm also reading a lot and having fun cutting out coupons and organizing my coupon binder and color coordinating my shopping lists. Organizing 'things' when my life is so un-organized keeps me sane :)

Here's to a boring, safe, and uneventful rest of the week.

What am I afraid of?

At what point does a plateau become self-sabotage? I would say month six is a pretty good slap in the face, no?

I have my own confession to make. I have been avoiding blogger. Avoiding reading and avoiding posting. This week I avoided the gym. I also avoided water. What I didn't avoid was ice cream and chips - and I ate seconds last night at dinner - FML!

So here's the deal. I have been in the 260's since November 12th. Yup, over 6 freaking months! Let's do a short re-cap, shall we? We shall.

April 23rd - 327 pounds - started pre-op diet (I use this as my starting weight)
May 5th - 315 - 12 lbs loss - surgery day
June 4th - 302 - loss 13 lbs
July 2nd - 297 - loss 5 lbs
Aug 6th - 293 - loss 4 lbs
Sep 3rd - 285 - loss 8 lbs
Oct 1st - 277 - loss 8 lbs
Nov 5th - 274 - loss 3 lbs
Dec 3rd - 269 - loss 5 lbs
Jan 7th - 270 - gain 1 lb
Feb 4th - 270 - loss 0
Mar 4th - 266 - loss 4 lbs
Apr 1st - 265 - loss 1 lb
May 1st - 264 - loss 1 lb

Did you notice that I really haven't lost crap since January? And my weight loss dramatically slowed down in November? W.T.F.?

From November to January I really just tried to maintain with it being the holidays and all. On January 23rd I started personal training and I knew the scales would stall for about 6 wks. Sure enough it did.  Then I lost that 4 pounds in about 1 1/2 wks at the end of March. April and May sucked big green donkey dicks. What the hell is wrong with me?

I am good to track my food until I get home then you could call me Hoover. My mouth turns into a black hole sucking up everything and anything I can get my hands on. Several times I have thrown away almost empty bags of cookies and chips as I would come up for air and have a brief moment of sanity between handfuls of shoving crap in my mouth. This is not me. I do not want this to be me.

Something is bothering me and I need to get it out. I don't know if it will help but hell, at this point it can't hurt.

I had a goal to be in the 250's for Christmas. Then I wanted it by Valentines, by Easter, and then it was Mother's Day. I get so close. Friday I saw 260.2. I was within a fart of seeing 259.9. I felt so defeated. Instead of being excited that I was so close I was pissed that I was that far way. Still that far way. This week I have completely killed any chance of seeing 259 tomorrow, official weigh-in day. Yesterday morning the scale showed 265. I haven't been getting enough water. I've been eating chips almost everyday. And I had ice cream 3 days this week. Oh, and I haven't done anything for exercise.

For the past couple of months when I get on the scale I hear these words..

Be careful what you wish for.

I hear my mom saying these words to me. The words she told me in the last lucid conversation I had with her. My mom struggled with her weight all her life. When she got to 300 pounds she decided to do whatever she had to do to lose it. She went from 300 to 135 in a little over 1 1/2 years. She did a lot of unhealthy things to lose it, but she exercised and changed her diet too.  She told me how she would give anything to just not be hungry all the time. She prayed to not be hungry, took pills, snapped elastics on her wrist, purged, and chased the latest diet fad. All to just lost weight and not be hungry.

Fast forward about 5 years, she has kept most of her weight off and even had a tummy tuck. But now she's laying in a hospital, dying. The tumor in her stomach prevented food from moving from her stomach to her intestines. She couldn't eat and she wasn't hungry. Her wish had come true. But at what cost? She told me in that last conversation that she would take all her weight back just to be able to see her daughter graduate from high school and to see her 8 year daughter go on her first date. She told me to be happy for what I had in life because wishing for more could take it all away. Be careful what you wish for.

I have wished for years to weigh 250. 250 has been my magic number. It is my hump. I have always felt that if I could get to the 250's then I would be closer to 200 than 300 and then I would really believe I could lose the rest -  if I could just get to 250. But every time I get close I screw it up. Because I'm scared to wish for it. Because I'd rather be fat than laying in a hospital bed with my family watching me waste away. Is is fair for me to wish I weigh less at the risk of my boys not having a mother? Yes, I realize how screwed up that is to think that. But I can't help it. Be careful what you wish for.

I'm not sure how to handle this. When I realized I was repeating that phrase to myself constantly I immediately knew it wasn't healthy. But I don't know how to stop or how to get passed it. What I do know is that I can't  get to 'healthy' both emotionally and physically until I figure it out. So I have to face this and deal with it. I just don't know how.

Workout Photos...finally

So Thursday May 5th was my 1 year surgery anniversary. No worries, the obligatory picture post is coming. But first I need to post my workout pics because I promised Maria I would and I don't want her to shank me in the middle of the night in Chicago :)

The best part of all this weight training is that I am really gaining muscle and losing fat. I'm a numbers kinda girl. If I don't see the payoff in numbers then it doesn't mean squat to me. And anybody that knows me knows I love analyzing numbers. When I did my 1-yr weigh in last week at the doctor the scales showed a 4 pound loss since my fill at the end of March. That doesn't seem like much but I've been in the 260's since November freaking 12th so 4 pounds in one month feels great! And I love that their scales give me a print out that shows the 4 pounds is a combination of a gain of 2 pounds of muscle and a loss of 6 pounds of fat. And that is as good as the scales moving. I'll take it!!

On to the pictures....These were taken March 31st at the YMCA where I work out.

This is me and my trainer, Tom. He's a HOTTIE - you should see him in a tank top. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold your stomach in for a full hour while lifting weights...and then do sit ups? And yes I know how young he is ;) Oh and speaking of sit ups...I farted last week while doing said sit ups. And he was holding my feet. You know what they say about silent but deadly? Deadly yes, silent no, mortified definitely! He's such a trooper he just kept holding my feet and didn't even start choking even though I think his eyes started watering a little. Note to self: do not eat chile verde & beans for lunch on training days. You would think I would've thought of that huh?

Warm up on the elliptical

Bench Press - and yes I have weights on that sucker, it's only 55 with the bar but it's progress.

This is the Lateral Pull Down (or something like that) - grunting and making faces burns more calories.

Swiss Ball Squats - you can't tell but there is a big blue ball behind me that I use to 'roll' down the wall to do squats. One of these days I'll do big girl squats. 

The site of the crime. 

 Rowing - this machine is my bitch!

I'm not sure what this is called but I sit on the ball and lift weights over my head and try not to smack Tom with the weights or smack myself on the head with them. Again, grunting and making faces burns more calories.

Last but not least, my favorite (NOT). I try to hold this position as long as possible so that one day I can do a real push-up. In this picture my butt is up too high. Thanks to the hubby for taking not so great pictures of my ass sticking up in the air.

This is my can-we-go-home-now-look.

Introducing....CLUMSY

I got a comment today on my last post from Jen spanking reminding me that I haven't blogged as promised. I swear I do not understand how you all have time time to blog, take care of kids and husbands, work full-time, have a social life, exercise, and read & comment on blogs. Someone please teach me time management LOL.

In my absence I have recruited someone very near and dear to me to start blogging. She is anonymous, but let me tell you, Clumsy fits her to a T. She is funny, crazy (in all the good ways), kind, supportive...I just can't say enough about her....she is my BFF and I love her dearly. And you could say she is like a sister to me ;) Would you please head over to her blog and show her some love?

What else? Oh...I got my nose pierced. Clumsy held my hand and took not-so-attractive pictures of me getting pierced. What are friends for right? The one thing everybody asks is 'Did it hurt?' And the answer is yes and no. I also had the second and third holes in my ears opened back up but not necessarily re-pierced. The guy just shoved the piercing stud through my ear where the old holes were and THAT hurt way worse than my nose. Mind you I took a Valium and a Loratab about thirty minutes before we got to the tattoo/piercing shop. I went back to my sister's house after it was all done and I passed out fell asleep. I was supposed to go to the rodeo with my husband later that day but there wasn't a herd of elephants that could of woke me up. So the key to getting your nose pierced is to be well medicated...and sleep a lot.

In weight loss news I have had 2 weeks in a row with 2 lbs lost each week. YEA ME!! Of course this weekend probably killed at least 2-3 lbs of that what with the Cadbury Creme Eggs and homemade potato salad. UGH! Time to get my butt in gear and do some damage control before official weigh-in day on Friday. My one-year surgery anniversary is on May 5th and I would really like to be able to lose four more pounds to have a nice even round number for my one year loss. Looks like it's chicken-and-broccoli-bitch for me the next couple weeks LOL.

I'm trying to keep my posts shorter so I don't wear out my followers with novel-length posts so I think I'm going to end here for now. Please please please go check out Clumsy.....she's a bloggy virgin so she could really use a lot of encouragement and support. And since I have the best followers in all of blog-land I know you will all rush over and give her some love :)

Ta-Ta for now
XOXO

Knock Knock

Just checking in real quick to let you all know everything is ok and I'm still around. I've been reading blogs when I can find a few minutes but I know I've missed a lot. I'm really going to try to get caught up this weekend - pinky promise :)

I have SO much to blog about I just haven't had the time to sit down and write. I have work-out pics to post (I didn't forget Maria), pics of my new hair-do in case you missed it on Facebook, I got my nose pierced, spent an incredible weekend with 2 of my favorite BOOBs, and I have done a little blogger recruiting. I know you are all going to love her...I'm going to help her set up a few things this weekend and then I'll unveil her. I'm so excited for you all to meet her.

I'll be bawk

I got a makeover!

Look around my friends....notice anything different? Well you should! Jenny has been here and she has completely out-done herself. Seriously....did you see the donut on that girl's butt? Is that just not the most perfect thing for my blog? It is ALL perfect...my sprinkles, my donut butt, and my name tag from Chicago.

THANK YOU Jenny for the most perfect blog! And thank you for being so patient with me. You are the best!!

And just in case any of you are thinking that you might want Jen to do your blog..DO IT!! One day she is going to be a blog-designing celebrity and have her own show on the Style channel and we can say we knew her 'when'.  Get her while you can :)

The Road to Obesity is Paved with Potato Chips

I do believe the 3 month plateau from hell has left town. I have seen 3 consecutive weeks with a loss. I am still in the 260's but at least the scale is moving in the right direction now. Of course since I was doing so well I have now spent the last two days sabotaging all my hard work by eating my own weight in food….like for reals. Since Gilly, Joey and Read have been so brave as to confess their food sins I guess I'll belly up to the confessional too.…

It started Sunday. This is what I ate:

Weight Control Oatmeal
Cottage Cheese & Mandarin Oranges
Handful of regular potato chips with french onion chip dip
1/2 bag of BBQ Potato Chips
Red Lobster for supper:
1/2 of a Cheddar Bay Biscuit (HELLO! I have not even tried to eat one of those in almost a year!)
3 shrimp of a Shrimp Cocktail appetizer
All of my salad - Red Wine Vinaigrette dressing
I ordered the pick two - build your own dinner - with grilled salmon and a grilled shrimp skewer with the garlic mashed potatoes. I usually only eat about 1/2 of this. But not this time my pretties...I ate the whole damn thing - including the rice. RICE! Since when do I even like rice???
And because eating everything on my plate wasn't enough I started pillaging my husband's plate:
2 bites of lobster, 1 fork full of crab, and 2 of his shrimp scampi's.
AND THEN WE ORDERED DESSERT!!
And I ate 1/2 of the Apple Pie/Ice Cream thing.

And I never even got close to being stuck!! I kid you not!

Yesterday, the death wish continued:

Oatmeal
Broccoli Cheese Soup
2 slices deli ham w/ 1 slice Provolone
Zone Bar
1 Mini Snickers & 1 Mini Milky Way (damn candy jar on the secretary's desk!)

At this point when I left work I was at 910 calories. I planned on going home, having shrimp and cauliflower for supper and being a good girl.

You know what they say about the road to obesity and good intentions right?

My husband had a late class and I knew we wouldn't be eating until late so I decided to have a snack.

I shared a 90 calorie granola bar with my son. Then I had 5 slices of Pepper Jack Cheese and 20 Whole Grain Ritz crackers. Can that be considered a simple snack? No? Didn't think so.

So I started dinner. Tacos. They are my crack! I planned on shrimp, but changing the menu is just crazy talk. I mean, the menu is hanging on the fridge, it might as well be written in stone! Changing the menu has all kinds of repercussions, mostly to my own OCD-gotta have all my ducks in a row-sanity. So there I am with the pan of taco meat, and the taco chips, and the sour cream. And my husband says "Were you going to get a plate or just eat out of the pan?" So I make a salad with lettuce, meat, cheese, sour cream, guacamole, olives, and more taco chips. Good hell…I have NO self control when I am around chips. At least I still used the regular cereal bowl to make my salad and not the mixing bowl I used before I got my band.

And then I ate an oatmeal cookie and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie before bed.

Is there really any question as to why the scales are up 2 pounds from Friday? Good Hell! I need to get my shit together and I need to do it NOW.

Today is a new day. I am going to do better. So far I have had yogurt with fresh strawberries. I have a fill scheduled for Wednesday. I haven't had one since the end of December and I am thinking I'm way over due for a fill.

So after reading over this I think I have realized a couple things. First, chips are a trigger, I cannot eat just a few, I cannot stop once I start, and I cannot keep them in the house anymore. Eating and snacking at work does not seem to be the problem….it's when I get home that all hell breaks loose. I'm not sure why but I need to figure it out, deal with it, and stop it. Easier said than done.

There are also some things bothering me that have to do with my mom and something she told me just before she died. I had forgotten all about it until a couple weeks ago and as I was standing on the scales I heard her saying it, like she was standing right there. I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with why I'm sabotaging myself. I need to blog about it but I need to wrap my brain around it first.

I am still working out with my trainer twice a week and doing cardio on my own two other days a week. Pics of my workout are coming soon.

And Jen and Ms. M are coming to see me this weekend. I am so dang excited I could just burst!!

Have a terrific Tuesday everybody!!

I Zumba'd with a celebrity!

Wow! Time really flies. It feels like I was just posted a couple days ago. Guess I'd better get to catching up. I'll save the juicy Zumba story for later (aren't I a tease?)

• I've been sick this week. Like seriously shit on a cracker sick. Sinus infection, ear infections, and the flu. My head feels like it's going to explode. I spent two days home from work and was thinking oh goody I will have time to blog and read and relax. No way Jose'. The sinus headache put a big kabosh on that. But I'm here now and oh do I ever have a lot to catch up on. Please bear with me, I'm reading as fast as I can so my commenting is sparse but I am reading so don't throw rotten eggs at me.
• My scales are finally moving...ever so slowly but actually starting to move. As of this morning I have lost 3 pounds this week. Granted I know a lot of that is from being sick. But last week I lost 1.8 pounds. If I show another loss this week I'm going to take it as a sign that I have moved out of plateau town....it's about damn time...three months is way too long. Tomorrow is official weigh-in day so keep your fingers crossed for me.
• My trainer, Jenillian couldn't work with me for 1/2 hour twice a week, but for some reason she could do twice a week for an hour. Whatever. I called the supervisor at my gym and she assigned me a different trainer. HE is young....like barely shaving young. I was shocked when he told me he had graduated college and was married. I guess I'm just getting old. Anywhoo...he is doing a lot more strength training with me. And I love it!! I know I need cardio too but spending an hour on the hamster wheel is so damn mind-numbing! I don't know how Draz and Jen do it. I guess I haven't hit the endorphin high yet. Hell if I could feel that it might be worth it :) Before I got sick I could do an hour on the elliptical with an incline of 5 and resistance at 5, and 30 minutes of that I did intervals. It's a necessary evil...nothing more....nothing less.
• I have modified my goal for doing the Army PT test. I am not modifying the test, just the time frame. There have been 3 weeks that I have not been able to meet with my trainer, either because her kids were sick, I have been sick, or because the road was closed and I couldn't get home from Jackson Hole to make our appointment. So....my goal is still to pass the test but I'm not going to kill myself to make it by May 1st. Right now I just don't see it happening that soon. But I will do it and when I do I'm going to kick ass!
• Is anybody else besides me stalking the BOOB's blog? I swear I check that damn page three times a day thinking maybe something has been posted that maybe hasn't shown up in my blog roll. I am so excited to see everybody that I'm going to explode!!
• Ok...now for the big Zumba news. I know a lot of us watch The Biggest Loser. Weeeeeelllllll....Kaylee and Moses are from my town....they actually live on the same block but I have never talked to them. (I actually don't even know who my next door neighbors are and I have lived here almost 5 years...I like my privacy.) My oldest son and Kaylee went to high school together and my youngest goes to school with Kaylee's little sister. My boys say they are very nice girls. Back to Zumba....my sister talked me into going to a small Zumba class here in Podunk...small as in there were maybe 10 of us there. And guess who walked in after me and my sister? Yup, Kaylee. I seriously did not recognize her! TV really does add 30 pounds because she is so dang skinny!! She Zumba'd right next to me for the whole hour. I bumped into her twice when everybody else was going left and I went right...that's how coordinated I am . She was really nice about it and laughed it off. I got to talk to her a little afterwards. I saw her and her dad in the grocery store yesterday so he's home too. I have no idea how far out they tape and I didn't ask...since I overheard her tell someone else that she can't talk about the show until after the finale has aired. I'm going to have to keep going to Zumba so that when the finale airs I can get some good dirt on the other players hee hee ;)

I think that's about it for now. I'm going to go take a double dose of Nyquil and watch the Criminal Minds episode I missed last night. 

XOXO

Feeling Much Better

WOW!! I am so touched by the comments on my last post....several made me cry. I am so blessed and so thankful to be part of such a supportive and encouraging group of women. Thank you for being here for me and thank you for letting me know I'm not crazy and not alone. It really helps to know others have been where I am now. I love you all so much!!

And I am definitely going to Chicago. After all...I have dibs on getting into Carmen's pants :) . My husband found a really good deal to fly out of our city and not have to drive to Salt Lake so he bought the tickets for me. I am flying in on Thursday, I think I get to Chicago at 5:45, and I leave Sunday at 6:00 pm.  I have a connection in Salt Lake but it's no biggie and well worth it.

I really am feeling better. I think it's a combination of getting all my frustration out in my last post, the weather has been a little warmer the past couple of days, and my meds are finally kicking in. Now if the scale would just move then I could start farting gum drops again.

I am going to ask my trainer if she will work with me twice a week for 1/2 hour each day instead of just one day for a whole hour. I really need to work with her twice a week and I can do the cardio stuff on my own but I really need her help with the hard stuff. I'll let you all know what she says. I also talked to her about how my scales are stuck. She says that's to be expected but if they don't move in the next week or so then we will try something different.

Again, thank you all so much for all your support and kind words. It really means more to me than I could ever say.

Self-loathing and Disappointment

I don't really expect anyone to read this. I'm just trying to get my feelings out and see if maybe I can find some light in all my darkness. I don't want to waste anyone's time so please don't feel obligated in any way to read what I have to say. It's ok, really.

I am having a hard time right now. Blogging, weight loss, life, and trying to think of a title for this damn post. I'm in a rut, a deep, dark, rut. I feel like a fish flopping around in the bottom of a boat. And I don't like it. I write blogs in my head when I am falling asleep but they never seem to make it here. I'm reading and trying to stay caught up but I haven't been very good at commenting. I just don't feel like I have anything of value to add when there are so many other great comments.

I'm disgusted and discouraged and today I feel like throwing in the towel. I have lost 60 pounds, maybe I should just be happy with that and not be greedy. I've been bouncing between 270 and 267 for over 3 months, since November 11th. One day, two weeks ago, I saw 263 but that was after a weekend out of town, shopping, lots of driving and not very much water, so I know I was just dehydrated. Still, I saw it and it pisses me off that I haven't seen anything near it since then. I saw 266.0 three mornings in a row this week so I was really hoping for at least 265.9 today. I was really thinking that all the training and sore muscles was going to start paying off and the scales would show it on official weigh-in day. Today…I saw a big fat screw you, laughing in my face, 268.6. I worked out hard on Wednesday, I did 25 minutes on the elliptical, situps, pushups, squats, and walking lunges. And today it seems like it was all for nothing. I have been working with my trainer for a month and still no difference. I mean really, what the hell is the point of putting myself through all this? Why am I spending all this money on a trainer and making myself sore if it's not going to make a fetching difference?

I work hard when I am with my trainer and I am able to do more now than I did when we started so I know I am making some progress. But the scales don't show it. I have 3 sets of scales in my bathroom so I know it's not because my scales are broke - I primarily use the same one all the time but I check at least once a week with the other two just to make sure. So unless all 3 of them are broke then it's just me.

I meet with my trainer one day a week. I'm supposed to repeat, on my own, what we do on one other day during the week and do two days of just elliptical intervals. But honestly I'm doing good to make it one other day to the gym and sometimes I don't even do that. I am so sore after I work with her that I can barely move for the next 3 days. When the soreness does go away I wake up all gung-ho to go to the gym. But when 5:00 comes and I walk out of the office and it's dark and cold and windy and snowing and I know that nobody will miss me if I don't go to the gym then all I want to do is go home, put my jammies on, curl up on the couch and watch TV. I wish I could afford to meet with my trainer two days a week but I can't so it is what it its. I hate going to the gym by myself, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and that everyone is staring at the fat girl. At least when I am there with someone else I don't feel as self-conscience and I work harder too. I have no ambition to clean my house or do laundry, and somedays I don't even want to take a shower because I hate that cold chill that hits you when you step out of the shower. I hate Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's here, it's been here for awhile, I just didn't want to admit it. I went to my doctor and she put me on Cymbalta. It would probably work better if I could remember to take it everyday.

There have been a few posts lately about journaling. Every once in a while I will log all my food for a week or so. But, when I can't find the nutrition info for something then I get frustrated and quit. I am really good with breakfast and dinner most of the time but lunch kills me. I eat out with my co-workers most of the time and when they want to go somewhere that doesn't offer their nutrition info then I'm screwed. We have a fridge and a microwave but my boss is an ass if anything has an odor when it's being cooked, which is just about everything. Popcorn, fish, anything with garlic, all forbidden. Basically the microwave is a glorified coffee warmer. So I'm pretty restricted with what I can do for lunch. For breakfast I bring yogurt or oatmeal that I can make with just boiled water, or a Zone bar. I could bring cold lunch meat but that gets old after a few days and it's hard to stay in the office by myself when everyone else is going out. And truth be told, I need that break away from the office.

Right now the only thing I am looking forward to is Chicago in September. But if I can't get any more fat off my ass then I don't feel like I should go. I would feel like a big fat fake fraud.

The anniversary of my mom's death was on the 18th and yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 61…she's been gone 17 years. I miss her as much today as I did 17 years ago.

I now have 100 followers. I'm not sure what I did to deserve more followers but I really do appreciate it. I know I need to try to be more positive so that nobody is disappointed or gets scared away. I'm sorry for being such a downer, I wish I could just snap out of this. I don't want to waste anyone's time on my stupidity.