Emotionally Exhausted

I promised myself that before the weekend was over I would post a blog. This week has been one of the most emotional weeks I have ever had and I'm honestly still trying to wrap my head around all of it. I'm not sure where this is going to go so hold on.

I guess I should start at the beginning. Last weekend Clumsy, her daughter, and I went to Salt Lake. I took my last three birds to a new home. My Gus, a Quaker parrot, and two cockatiels. It was one of the hardest things I ever did. I know it was the right thing to do, I know they will get more attention and I know I'm not the same person I was before that could devote five hours a day to them. So I said good-bye. I am missing them so much, the house just feels too quiet.

Tuesday was honestly one of the worst days of my life. I can't remember when I was ever so scared of losing someone I love, or prayed so much. It started Tuesday morning when Clumsy called me crying hysterically, crying so hard she was throwing up. I called her back twice and the same thing, she assured me she was ok but could barely talk. Then she called me again. And she was calm, eerily calm. And she said she loved me and would always love me and hung up. And I got chills and the hair stood up on my arms. I left work and drove way too fast for what what should have taken an hour to get to her house. When she finally opened the door I found her laying in her bed, a bottle of vodka on the bathroom floor, a bloody wash cloth on the edge of the tub. Her arm was bloody but not bleeding. When she finally let me see where the blood was coming from I tried not to let her see how scared or shocked I was. She cried and screamed and hit herself and begged me to let her die. I tried to hold her arms to keep her from hurting herself and she fought me back. Then she would ask me to just hold her and she would cry and ask me to hold her hand while she died so she wouldn't be alone. Then she started throwing up. And when I got the garbage can for her to throw up in she tried to wrap the plastic bag around her head. I prayed for her not to die and I prayed for strength to call for help even though I knew she would hate me for the rest of my life. I prayed for God to show her she was loved. And I prayed for her to stop bleeding. I finally realized she was not going to be ok on her own and called for help and the ambulance came. She spent the night in the hospital and was released the next day. My best friend, my baby sister, is still here and she doesn't hate me. But even if she did hate me I wouldn't change what I did. I love her with all my heart and I never want to find out what I would have to do without her.

Wednesday I started training to add a co-workers responsibilities to my current job. She is retiring and only works part-time so I was asked to pick up most of her work load....because I have so much free time on my hands since the bosses cut off Facebook and Blogger from our work computers (can you hear my sarcasm?) She is also the back-up for another co-worker that travels a lot so I have to learn her job as well. Today was her last day. I had one week to train on about a third of what I'm going to be doing. This month is open enrollment and as the only person in the HR/Payroll department for over 300 employees in 4 states I really don't have the time to learn two new jobs besides doing my own. So much for taking a lunch break for the next month. At least I'll get a lot of overtime.

To explain Thursday and Friday I  have to make a confession of my own. I have another son, who is really my second son. So yes, I have 3 sons.

You just said OH MY GOD didn't you? It's ok, take a deep breath.

My son "A" doesn't live with me, and hasn't since he was 13. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen him since he was 13 when the judge banged his gavel and said "From this point forward your son is a stranger to you." And it was done. I have seen him in passing at the fair, in a grocery store parking lot, and at community events where we happen to cross paths. Last year I saw him at the fireworks and he asked for my phone number, which I gave him. He called me on Christmas. And he brought me Avon lotion for Mother's Day last year. Why I don't know...I certainly didn't deserve it. The story of why A doesn't live with me is a post all its own, or maybe several. But I will tell you this, I didn't do anything wrong and he wasn't taken away from me. What I did was my own choice, a choice no mother should ever have to make, one we will both have to live with for the rest of our lives. Maybe one day I will tell you all about it. The fact that I'm saying this much is huge. The only people that know is my immediate family and a few very close friends. I don't talk about it because it's hard and because it's not something anyone can understand unless they have been through it themselves. With that said....Thursday A called me and asked if I would go to his high school graduation. Me. ME. He wanted me to be there, to see him graduate. I told him of course I would be there. He dropped off a ticket for me at my house. And Friday after work I went to see my son get his high school diploma. I met the man and woman he now calls mom and dad, and I met his girlfriend. He gave me a hug and told me he loves me and that he wants me to be a part of his life. Me. ME. Saturday I took A to lunch and we did some shopping. We talked and got to know each other a little. I'm hoping that we can continue to get to know each other better and spend more time together. I'm being cautious as I have reason to be, but at the same time I'm very hopeful that is the beginning of a new chapter for us.

The weekend was a visitation weekend with the step-son. If you have been reading my blog you know that visitation weekends are very stressful. This one was no different, except that we are now on the summer schedule so we get 4 fun-filled days of hell not just the usual 2 days. Oh goody!

Sunday morning my husband told me he lost his wedding band at work. Really? Yes really!

Today someone hit my car in the grocery store parking lot and broke off my passenger side mirror.

On the weight loss front nothing much going on there either. I have been eating chips like it's my job....it's either that or I start smoking. And Dorito breath is so much more appealing than ash tray breath...no?

Saturday and Sunday night I slept over 16 hours each night. I needed it. I still feel like I could sleep for a week.

I'm trying to keep up with blogs but I'm mostly reading on my phone on my lunch break and I can't comment from Reader. I'm also reading a lot and having fun cutting out coupons and organizing my coupon binder and color coordinating my shopping lists. Organizing 'things' when my life is so un-organized keeps me sane :)

Here's to a boring, safe, and uneventful rest of the week.