Things have been a little better the past couple of days with my husband and me. We had a long talk and he admitted there were some things that he could work on to make things better. And he has done much better. He has disciplined his son twice and he has supported me when I have told his son to pick up clothes and take a bath. He told me he doesn't want a divorce anymore and wants to work on our marriage. We have another counseling appointment Monday and I'm really looking forward to it.
Tuesday we are going to his grandmother's funeral in the town where his family lives, 3 hours away. When my husband's father called him to tell him he actually asked my husband if I would be coming. I'm pretty sure he didn't call my husband's sisters and ask them if their husbands would be coming...sheesh! My husband is a pall bearer so I will be on my own for most of the funeral. And his father told him he wants to talk to my husband ALONE...and my husband agreed to it. Nothing like six hours in a car on slick roads, family that would rather it be my funeral, and all the emotions that go along with a funeral to set off a fire storm of anxiety attacks and cold sores. Incidentally, his grandmother was 94 and had Alzheimer's for the better part of the past 10 years. It is always sad whenever a family member passes but in this case it was not unexpected and she is finally with her husband again...she is at peace.
This afternoon when I got home from work my husband told me he needed to talk to me about something. A few days before Christmas he received a call his from his 1st Sergeant. There is a new list and he's on it. The list is a made up of soldiers selected for deployment. The whole unit won't be going at once so he won't have the support of his guys...they are parting the unit out to other units across the country. So not fair!! The 'D' word. Deployment. This will by his 3rd. And deployments are for a whole year. It looks like he will be leaving in November. But this is the military we're talking about so it could be anytime from this summer to Spring 2011. I need to be able to plan and make lists and not knowing makes that almost impossible. Things are going to change....in a big way. Looks like next year we could be doing Christmas in October. If I thought my world was turned upside down over the past month then I was kidding myself. THIS turns my world upside down. 'Deployment' is the one word I fear as much as 'cancer'. It changes families, it changes lives, and you're never the same again. This scares the shit out of me!!
Enough crying today....it's time to party!!
We're off to my sister's to eat, drink and be merry. Everyone have a safe and happy new year!!
XOXO
Friday, December 31, 2010
BYOC
I'm doing BYOC today. But first I want to say a few things....
THANK YOU
to everyone who left me the best comments and emailed me and texted me after my last post. I've been in such a haze that a couple of time I thought I had texted someone back but then the next day I realized I didn't. So if I didn't text you back it's not because I'm ignoring you. I'll get my act together, I promise. But seriously, I am so blessed to have so much support and so much friendship. I am touched beyond words. I love you all!!!
Things are getting better. He dropped a brick wall on me today but I'm going to do a different post for that....cause LIVE FROM THE FROZEN DESERT IT'S B Y O C!! I always wanted to do that.
1. Do you make a New Year’s resolution list every year? Do you meet those resolutions, forget about them or never meet them?
* I try not to make a list of resolutions. I try to pick one major thing that I want to change in my life over the next year and I really try to focus my attention on that and what it takes to be successful. A few years ago I wanted to quit smoking, and I did. Last year my focus was on Lap Band surgery and being focused on what I needed to do to be successful and I think I have done that, I still have a long way to go, but for the year I think I did very well. For 2011 my focus is going to be my home. I have plans for the inside and outside and I know how I want it to look at this time next year. My focus will be a project each week to get our home to where I want it to be by this time next year.
2. If you could delete all the songs from existence from a certain singer, who would it be?
* Bob Dylan...his whiney nasaley voice really grates on my nerves. And really...if I can't understand the words to a song then there is no point in listening to it.
3. If you could have sex with any Superhero – who would it be?
* This is a hard one. I've never been interested in cartoons or superheros so I'm not sure what my options are. Draz said Superman and I like her reasons so I'm going to steal her idea. And I like the idea of a 'super' man that could go all night long ;)
4. If it was free AND unlimited – would you choose to have a cook, chauffeur, or masseuse?
* You had me at cook. I HATE to cook and I'm not very good at it. I burn everything. And I hate it when the kids ask 'What's for dinner?' I make a dinner menu for a month at a time (OCD much??) and hang it on the fridge. I try to make sure we don't have to eat the same meat two nights in a row and we get a least one day of fish, chicken, pork and beef each week. It's a chore!! And God forbid the menu runs out before I get another one on the fridge. In October I didn't get a menu done and we ate out every night for two weeks because nobody knew what to have for dinner. We were like deer staring at headlights standing in the kitchen looking at each other thinking the same thing....we're going to starve because mom didn't make a menu and we are incapable of finding something to make on our own. And I hate it!! Yes, I would love to have a cook so that I wouldn't have to coordinate meals.
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week – in real life and blogland.
• Blogland has been super supportive and a blessing. I love my BOOBs!!
Real life has not been so great. See my previous post. But tonight is going to be much better. The step-son is going home for the night and we don't have to pick him again until tomorrow at 6...for a whole day...then back to his mom again. This has to be the most screwed up visitation schedule on earth. We are going to my sister's house this afternoon and having a family sleep-over. We're going to wear our jammies all day, each Chinese, watch movies, let off fireworks at midnight and drink Pina Coladas. And in the morning my brother in law is making biscuits and gravy. I cannot wait!!
Work is good...I love the end of the year...reconciling accounts, making new files, running W2's...it's super busy and I love it like that.
Have a Happy New Year!!!
THANK YOU
to everyone who left me the best comments and emailed me and texted me after my last post. I've been in such a haze that a couple of time I thought I had texted someone back but then the next day I realized I didn't. So if I didn't text you back it's not because I'm ignoring you. I'll get my act together, I promise. But seriously, I am so blessed to have so much support and so much friendship. I am touched beyond words. I love you all!!!
Things are getting better. He dropped a brick wall on me today but I'm going to do a different post for that....cause LIVE FROM THE FROZEN DESERT IT'S B Y O C!! I always wanted to do that.
1. Do you make a New Year’s resolution list every year? Do you meet those resolutions, forget about them or never meet them?
* I try not to make a list of resolutions. I try to pick one major thing that I want to change in my life over the next year and I really try to focus my attention on that and what it takes to be successful. A few years ago I wanted to quit smoking, and I did. Last year my focus was on Lap Band surgery and being focused on what I needed to do to be successful and I think I have done that, I still have a long way to go, but for the year I think I did very well. For 2011 my focus is going to be my home. I have plans for the inside and outside and I know how I want it to look at this time next year. My focus will be a project each week to get our home to where I want it to be by this time next year.
2. If you could delete all the songs from existence from a certain singer, who would it be?
* Bob Dylan...his whiney nasaley voice really grates on my nerves. And really...if I can't understand the words to a song then there is no point in listening to it.
3. If you could have sex with any Superhero – who would it be?
* This is a hard one. I've never been interested in cartoons or superheros so I'm not sure what my options are. Draz said Superman and I like her reasons so I'm going to steal her idea. And I like the idea of a 'super' man that could go all night long ;)
4. If it was free AND unlimited – would you choose to have a cook, chauffeur, or masseuse?
* You had me at cook. I HATE to cook and I'm not very good at it. I burn everything. And I hate it when the kids ask 'What's for dinner?' I make a dinner menu for a month at a time (OCD much??) and hang it on the fridge. I try to make sure we don't have to eat the same meat two nights in a row and we get a least one day of fish, chicken, pork and beef each week. It's a chore!! And God forbid the menu runs out before I get another one on the fridge. In October I didn't get a menu done and we ate out every night for two weeks because nobody knew what to have for dinner. We were like deer staring at headlights standing in the kitchen looking at each other thinking the same thing....we're going to starve because mom didn't make a menu and we are incapable of finding something to make on our own. And I hate it!! Yes, I would love to have a cook so that I wouldn't have to coordinate meals.
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week – in real life and blogland.
• Blogland has been super supportive and a blessing. I love my BOOBs!!
Real life has not been so great. See my previous post. But tonight is going to be much better. The step-son is going home for the night and we don't have to pick him again until tomorrow at 6...for a whole day...then back to his mom again. This has to be the most screwed up visitation schedule on earth. We are going to my sister's house this afternoon and having a family sleep-over. We're going to wear our jammies all day, each Chinese, watch movies, let off fireworks at midnight and drink Pina Coladas. And in the morning my brother in law is making biscuits and gravy. I cannot wait!!
Work is good...I love the end of the year...reconciling accounts, making new files, running W2's...it's super busy and I love it like that.
Have a Happy New Year!!!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wake me up when the nightmare is over
The holidays are over, finally! Well, almost. There is still New Year's Eve and New Year's Day to get through but that shouldn't be a biggy...just going to sleep over at my sister's house, eat Chinese, drink, and pretend to be merry. Thank you everyone for the Christmas cards and emails. I didn't send cards this year, in fact I haven't done cards for at least the last 5 years. So it's not personal that you didn't get one from me cause nobody did. Yup, I'm a Scrooge!
From the day before Thanksgiving to the day after Christmas I lost a grand total of .2 pounds. No that is not 2 pounds...look closely...there is a period in front of the two. Yup, 2 tenths of a pound. Considering I was bouncing between losing 2 pounds and gaining 5 I don't think I did too bad. At least I didn't gain. And with all the shit going on right now I could have easily gained 10 pounds overnight just from stress-eating. Thank you LapBand! I don't have my ticker updated yet...I can't remember my password so I might have to start a new one.
After my last post I did some deep thinking and realized that Christmas wasn't just about me but the kids. It wasn't about my past or my pity party. It was about giving my kids a tradition to pass on to their kids. It's about the birth of Christ. And my mom....well, I tried really hard to do all the things she would have done, for her. I actually bought a real Christmas tree and decorated it....if my mom had been here and seen the 'plant' I was going to try to pass off as a Christmas tree she would have rung my bell. The family Christmas party was great, my sister cried, my dad came and brought presents, and nobody got in a fight. It was a true Christmas miracle.
Today was a day I didn't want to deal with, in fact I don't want to deal with anything that's going on right now. Lately I've had projects to keep me busy....Thanksgiving, then my family Christmas party, and Christmas itself. I have tried to stay busy and keep my mind off the inevitable. But I have no more projects right now to bury my brain. And thinking and feeling right now just hurts too much. The night before Thanksgiving, as my husband and I were standing in Walmart buying Cool Whip for pies, he told me he was 'thinking' that he wanted a divorce. I had no idea!! The reason: his son is 9 years old and hates me and my son's guts. He doesn't want a step mom or a step brother. His mother has told him he doesn't have to do anything I say and he doesn't have to be nice to my son because 'we're stupid'. And my husband won't put his foot down and tell him different. Really, it's more than that. My husband plays favorites. For example, in the car Friday night, my son was writing on the window and my husband told him to stop it (HUGE pet peeve for me...do not write on my car windows!!) and no sooner had he got the words out of his mouth than HIS son started writing on the window. I told Wade what he was doing (because I'm not 'allowed' to discipline his son....in fact NOBODY disciplines his son) and he shrugged his shoulders at me and ignored what his son was doing. Of course my son was furious. I wasn't none too happy either. His son stares at my son, kicks him, trips him, shoved him on his broken arm, and completely ignores anything I say. And he is never held accountable for his actions. It is hell 4 days a month!!! The three days leading up to him being here I have panic attacks, I can't breath, I break out with cold sores. When he's here, my husband and I yell at each other, I find reasons to work late or run errands so I don't have to come home, and I go to bed early and watch TV until I fall asleep. My son doesn't even want to be here...he calls my sister and asks if he can hang out there for a few days. For three days after he goes home my husband and I don't speak to each other, I try to clean up his path of destruction, and put my son's feelings back together. It is hell 4 days a month....and right now we are in the middle of a week of it.
Yes, we are in counseling. After my husband told me he thought if we got divorced it would make his son happy I talked him into going to counseling. We've had 3 sessions. One of those with the boys. His son agreed to do things and so did my son. Not an hour later his son was doing exactly what he had agreed not to do....and of course my husband refuses to hold him accountable. And do you know what my husband told me Friday night? Get this. Are you ready? Oh it's a doosey! He said to me that it's me and my son's problem, not his or his son's problem. That if our marriage is going to be saved that it's up to me...he doesn't see where he needs to do any work and that I need to let his son have 'fun'. REALLY??? Yes, really!!!
And for Christmas...
We had agreed to spend $150 on each other for Christmas. I spent way more than that to make sure he got everything on his list he wanted, and I found some things that weren't even on his list and made sure he had a nice Christmas. Guess what?? He didn't even spend the damn $150 on me. Nope. Said he didn't have time. And how long has Christmas been on the calendar exactly??? AND he told me that a couple things he ordered for me wouldn't be here by Christmas, but one of the boxes showed up Christmas Eve. But he never gave it to me. I kid you not. I asked him Christmas night what was in the box and he told me he was going to give it to me for another occasion. Oh great....so now I have to wait for my birthday to finish getting my Christmas presents?!? I got socks and yoga pants for Christmas and an ugly damn scarf that looks like a child made it that he bought from someone at his work so I can't even take it back to get one that will match my coat. And scales...scales that at one point I wanted but then my son bought new scales so I specifically told him I didn't want new scales. He bought them anyway. And he can't remember where he bought them so I can't take them back. Oh...and the 4 movies I got? Oh yea...I bought those myself.
I wasn't in a very good mood the next day...ya think? So Sunday night he hands me a Walmart bag and says 'If it really means that much to you.' Ummmm no...it meant that much to me on Christmas....now you're a day late and several dollars short. I didn't open it. It's still sitting on the coffee table. I want to burn it. Oh...and when he gave it to me and we were 'talking' about how he could possibly not have the 'time' to shop and trying to find a reason why I wasn't good enough for him to give me what he had bought for me he drops this on me.....
There is more stuff from B&BW that I really wanted that he hasn't given me.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Get this...he was just going to put it away in the closet for me. How the fuck is that a gift??? And how am I not supposed to be hurt??? Somebody please tell me!!!
And if that wasn't enough icing on the cake and you were waiting for sprinkles....
We have a rule in our house that guns should not be played with in the house. I compromised to allow the laser guns in the house. But we have both agreed that anything that could potentially shoot a projectile should be played with outside. Namely BB guns. Are you following me here? You know where I'm going...right?
After the big fallout with whatever is in the stupid Walmart bag I walk into his son's room where he is with his son to tell them that dinner is ready. And what is laying on the bed? His fetching BB gun!! As if the kid didn't get enough crap for Christmas he managed to go downstairs (with help from his father I have no doubt) and get his BB gun from the gun rack (which he couldn't even reach on his own) to play with in his room. And why you ask? Because my son got a BB gun for Christmas and isn't even allowed to take it out of the box until we go shoot it. But oh no....my husband's son has to rub it in my son's face that rules don't apply to him. And when I asked my husband about it...do you know what he said??? He said he forgot about the rule. I wish I was kidding. I really wish I do. I wish this was a bad episode of Punk'd. But it's not. It's my life.
My son wouldn't even come to my work with my husband and his son to have lunch with me today because he said my husband's son had already pushed his buttons today and he didn't want to get in trouble for something he might do or say. So he stayed home while my husband and his son got to go out to lunch. Doesn't quite seem fair does it?
One minute I'm hurt, then I'm numb, and then I'm angry and then I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. I want my husband back. It wasn't like this 6 months ago. The counselor explained how my husband was being manipulated, how his son is out to sabotage our marriage and my husband is playing right into his plan, and my husband promised to back me up, he promised to make the same rules apply to both kids, he promised to hold his son accountable, he promised to be fair. Then Friday night he tells me that he doesn't see where he needs to do anything, it's all me. I'm just sick, curled up on the couch in a fetal position sick. The only way I got to sleep the last 2 nights was by taking Loratab I had leftover from my surgery. That's going to last about 3 more nights. Then what??
I don't want to lose my husband. I don't want my marriage to end. But I know a relationship takes two people and if he lets his son make this decision for him and I mean so little to him then I don't know what I can do to stop him.
Just fucking great. My son just called and wants to spend the night at his friend's house tonight because he says that HE doesn't want to cause any problems. Unbelievable!!!
I really have no idea where the New Year is going to start or end. I'm just really lost right now.
From the day before Thanksgiving to the day after Christmas I lost a grand total of .2 pounds. No that is not 2 pounds...look closely...there is a period in front of the two. Yup, 2 tenths of a pound. Considering I was bouncing between losing 2 pounds and gaining 5 I don't think I did too bad. At least I didn't gain. And with all the shit going on right now I could have easily gained 10 pounds overnight just from stress-eating. Thank you LapBand! I don't have my ticker updated yet...I can't remember my password so I might have to start a new one.
After my last post I did some deep thinking and realized that Christmas wasn't just about me but the kids. It wasn't about my past or my pity party. It was about giving my kids a tradition to pass on to their kids. It's about the birth of Christ. And my mom....well, I tried really hard to do all the things she would have done, for her. I actually bought a real Christmas tree and decorated it....if my mom had been here and seen the 'plant' I was going to try to pass off as a Christmas tree she would have rung my bell. The family Christmas party was great, my sister cried, my dad came and brought presents, and nobody got in a fight. It was a true Christmas miracle.
Today was a day I didn't want to deal with, in fact I don't want to deal with anything that's going on right now. Lately I've had projects to keep me busy....Thanksgiving, then my family Christmas party, and Christmas itself. I have tried to stay busy and keep my mind off the inevitable. But I have no more projects right now to bury my brain. And thinking and feeling right now just hurts too much. The night before Thanksgiving, as my husband and I were standing in Walmart buying Cool Whip for pies, he told me he was 'thinking' that he wanted a divorce. I had no idea!! The reason: his son is 9 years old and hates me and my son's guts. He doesn't want a step mom or a step brother. His mother has told him he doesn't have to do anything I say and he doesn't have to be nice to my son because 'we're stupid'. And my husband won't put his foot down and tell him different. Really, it's more than that. My husband plays favorites. For example, in the car Friday night, my son was writing on the window and my husband told him to stop it (HUGE pet peeve for me...do not write on my car windows!!) and no sooner had he got the words out of his mouth than HIS son started writing on the window. I told Wade what he was doing (because I'm not 'allowed' to discipline his son....in fact NOBODY disciplines his son) and he shrugged his shoulders at me and ignored what his son was doing. Of course my son was furious. I wasn't none too happy either. His son stares at my son, kicks him, trips him, shoved him on his broken arm, and completely ignores anything I say. And he is never held accountable for his actions. It is hell 4 days a month!!! The three days leading up to him being here I have panic attacks, I can't breath, I break out with cold sores. When he's here, my husband and I yell at each other, I find reasons to work late or run errands so I don't have to come home, and I go to bed early and watch TV until I fall asleep. My son doesn't even want to be here...he calls my sister and asks if he can hang out there for a few days. For three days after he goes home my husband and I don't speak to each other, I try to clean up his path of destruction, and put my son's feelings back together. It is hell 4 days a month....and right now we are in the middle of a week of it.
Yes, we are in counseling. After my husband told me he thought if we got divorced it would make his son happy I talked him into going to counseling. We've had 3 sessions. One of those with the boys. His son agreed to do things and so did my son. Not an hour later his son was doing exactly what he had agreed not to do....and of course my husband refuses to hold him accountable. And do you know what my husband told me Friday night? Get this. Are you ready? Oh it's a doosey! He said to me that it's me and my son's problem, not his or his son's problem. That if our marriage is going to be saved that it's up to me...he doesn't see where he needs to do any work and that I need to let his son have 'fun'. REALLY??? Yes, really!!!
And for Christmas...
We had agreed to spend $150 on each other for Christmas. I spent way more than that to make sure he got everything on his list he wanted, and I found some things that weren't even on his list and made sure he had a nice Christmas. Guess what?? He didn't even spend the damn $150 on me. Nope. Said he didn't have time. And how long has Christmas been on the calendar exactly??? AND he told me that a couple things he ordered for me wouldn't be here by Christmas, but one of the boxes showed up Christmas Eve. But he never gave it to me. I kid you not. I asked him Christmas night what was in the box and he told me he was going to give it to me for another occasion. Oh great....so now I have to wait for my birthday to finish getting my Christmas presents?!? I got socks and yoga pants for Christmas and an ugly damn scarf that looks like a child made it that he bought from someone at his work so I can't even take it back to get one that will match my coat. And scales...scales that at one point I wanted but then my son bought new scales so I specifically told him I didn't want new scales. He bought them anyway. And he can't remember where he bought them so I can't take them back. Oh...and the 4 movies I got? Oh yea...I bought those myself.
I wasn't in a very good mood the next day...ya think? So Sunday night he hands me a Walmart bag and says 'If it really means that much to you.' Ummmm no...it meant that much to me on Christmas....now you're a day late and several dollars short. I didn't open it. It's still sitting on the coffee table. I want to burn it. Oh...and when he gave it to me and we were 'talking' about how he could possibly not have the 'time' to shop and trying to find a reason why I wasn't good enough for him to give me what he had bought for me he drops this on me.....
There is more stuff from B&BW that I really wanted that he hasn't given me.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Get this...he was just going to put it away in the closet for me. How the fuck is that a gift??? And how am I not supposed to be hurt??? Somebody please tell me!!!
And if that wasn't enough icing on the cake and you were waiting for sprinkles....
We have a rule in our house that guns should not be played with in the house. I compromised to allow the laser guns in the house. But we have both agreed that anything that could potentially shoot a projectile should be played with outside. Namely BB guns. Are you following me here? You know where I'm going...right?
After the big fallout with whatever is in the stupid Walmart bag I walk into his son's room where he is with his son to tell them that dinner is ready. And what is laying on the bed? His fetching BB gun!! As if the kid didn't get enough crap for Christmas he managed to go downstairs (with help from his father I have no doubt) and get his BB gun from the gun rack (which he couldn't even reach on his own) to play with in his room. And why you ask? Because my son got a BB gun for Christmas and isn't even allowed to take it out of the box until we go shoot it. But oh no....my husband's son has to rub it in my son's face that rules don't apply to him. And when I asked my husband about it...do you know what he said??? He said he forgot about the rule. I wish I was kidding. I really wish I do. I wish this was a bad episode of Punk'd. But it's not. It's my life.
My son wouldn't even come to my work with my husband and his son to have lunch with me today because he said my husband's son had already pushed his buttons today and he didn't want to get in trouble for something he might do or say. So he stayed home while my husband and his son got to go out to lunch. Doesn't quite seem fair does it?
One minute I'm hurt, then I'm numb, and then I'm angry and then I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. I want my husband back. It wasn't like this 6 months ago. The counselor explained how my husband was being manipulated, how his son is out to sabotage our marriage and my husband is playing right into his plan, and my husband promised to back me up, he promised to make the same rules apply to both kids, he promised to hold his son accountable, he promised to be fair. Then Friday night he tells me that he doesn't see where he needs to do anything, it's all me. I'm just sick, curled up on the couch in a fetal position sick. The only way I got to sleep the last 2 nights was by taking Loratab I had leftover from my surgery. That's going to last about 3 more nights. Then what??
I don't want to lose my husband. I don't want my marriage to end. But I know a relationship takes two people and if he lets his son make this decision for him and I mean so little to him then I don't know what I can do to stop him.
Just fucking great. My son just called and wants to spend the night at his friend's house tonight because he says that HE doesn't want to cause any problems. Unbelievable!!!
I really have no idea where the New Year is going to start or end. I'm just really lost right now.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Catching up with bullets....
I haven't posted anything in quite a while so I thought I'd take a few minutes and get you caught up. I think the best way to do this is with bullets. Too bad we don't have a Christmas themed bullet list. Oh well, I guess you'll have to suffer with the boring old stuff.
- I have a few new followers. How does that happen when I haven't even been blogging?? Thank you so much for following me!! And thank you to all my followers for not ditching me while I had the covers pulled over my head ignoring the world. I'm going to try to blog more. Please be patient with me, winters are hard on me and the winter blues are setting in hard this year.
- Thanksgiving kicked my ass. I haven't been to the gym since the Monday before Thanksgiving. I've gained 3 pounds from my lowest. But, I've lost 1 pound from my highest since Thanksgiving. I haven't been tracking calories or protein and I haven't been getting enough water. I need to get motivated but for various reasons I could really give a shit less right now.
- Last weekend was a B.A.D. weekend. My husband and I have been having some serious problems with his family, mostly because they believe I am the spawn of satan because I have tattoos, I love my gay family and friends, I'm fat, and I have 2 children from different fathers, among other various unforgivable sins. To make a long story short we have spent the past 2 years of Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family. When we left his sister's house on Christmas Eve last year I had BITCH written on my window....such a loving Christian sentiment don't you think? And of course nobody will take credit for it. For Valentine's Day his mom handed out personalized Valentines to all the kids except my son. This year due to their attitude and making me and my kids feel like shit we have decided not to attend any holiday parties at their homes. And they are so pissed because it's all my fault they don't get to see their grandson...not Wade, just his son. Makes my husband feel real good! So last weekend we decided to have lunch with his parents...in a public place...to talk about things and try to bury the hatchet. BAD IDEA!! They brought the hatchet alright...but not to bury it. It's not a good sign when before you even get seated your father is threatening you with a law suit for grandparents visitation rights....which don't really even exist in Idaho. He obviously didn't think I'd know anything about that. It was awful! I was attacked and yelled at and at one point I swear his dad was going to hit me. My husband was trying to stick up for me as best he could. I don't get pushed around easily and yes, I yelled back. I stood my ground. I stuck up for my husband, my kids, and me. And when both his mom and dad yelled at me to shut up I told them they had no right to speak to me that way. I was called a liar. They said they wished Wade had never met me. His dad accused me of writing BITCH on my own window just to cause problems. I left the restaurant in tears. I bought a pack of cigarettes and a Diet Dr. Pepper. I smoked 1 cigarette and walked back to the hotel, which was about a mile, in the snow. I just wanted to be alone. That night at the Army Christmas Party I drank a lot of vodka. It was a BAD weekend!!
- I have decided I need a new exercise goal. I accomplished my goal to walk a 5K and I felt really good about it. I'm hoping a new goal will get my ass to the gym and get me motivated. My new goal.......is to pass the Army Reserve PT test. The soldiers in the Army Reserve have to pass it two times a year. And I'm going to do it this spring. It's not crazy bad...but enough to be a real challenge. I will need to do 16 push ups (real ones from the toes, not sissy ones from the knees) in less than 2 minutes, 36 sit ups in less than 2 minutes (it might be a few more than that, I forget the exact number right now), and walk 2.5 miles in 39 minutes. This all has to be done one after the other. I have NEVER done a push up before so this will be interesting. The FRG (Family Readiness Group) president is going to do it with me and I think we're going to get some of the other wives/girlfriends/husbands/boyfriends to do it with us. We're going to wear Army shirts and everything.
- Christmas sucks! I am really not feeling it. My family has not done a Christmas party together since before my mom died but I decided to throw one together this year. My dad is even coming from Utah for it....that is HUGE considering he has NEVER accepted an invitation for dinner at my home in my entire life! I've got a lot of fun things planned but I haven't even put up Christmas decorations yet. I just can't get into it but I don't want to let my family down. The plain and simple fact is that I miss my mom. I miss her terribly. And Christmas just isn't the same without her and it never will be. Christmas was my mom's favorite holiday and every little decoration, every song, every twinkling light is a screaming reminder that she's not here and never will be again. I'm crying now just writing this. It's been almost 17 years since she passed away...and it never gets easier.
- I think I'll leave on a happier note. This is a comparison of the three years that my husband and I have been together and that we have gone to the Army Christmas Party. Thanks to Jen and her fabulous tutorial for the instructions on how to do a collage. I cannot believe the difference in my face! And yes, that is my Chicago dress.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Paying it forward...Please welcome 'Bones'
Hey my blog sisters there's a new bandster in town. Well, she's not a new bandster but she's got a new blog. And she's so dang nice and funny and I'm lucky to know her as a friend. I've been telling her since this summer how great you all are and that she should do a blog. And now you all get to know her too. She could really use some support and sisterhood lovin'. So....would you please help me show her how great you all are and head over to Long Lost Bones and say howdy? If you hurry you can catch her first post and be able to say you followed her from the beginning. Thanks everybody!!
XOXO
XOXO
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
It's been awhile since I posted anything so I thought I'd take a few minutes and let you all know how things are going.
- I'm 1 1/2 pounds away from losing 60 pounds. I really want to be in the 250s by Christmas so I've got to get my shit together.
- I went to the gym tonight for the first time in almost two weeks. I really didn't want to go but I knew I needed it. When I go to the gym regularly then I want to go and I look forward to it. When I slack off for more than 3 days then it takes a cattle prod to get me back. I have to stop being a slacker.
- I'm doing better drinking my water. I'm getting about 72 ounces a day. I got one of those nifty water bottles from Target that has the counter on the cap like Amy W had a while ago. It's a 24 ounce bottle. I set a task reminder on my computer at work and I keep hitting the snooze on it for 15 minutes. So every 15 minutes I get a reminder that pops up on my screen that tells me to drink water. It's cheesy but it works and I'm finally getting enough water in me.
- We went to Utah last weekend. It was a fabulous weekend. We got to have dinner with Lara (Band Babe) and her husband and son. They are a such a cute family!! And I swear Lara has lost another 10 pounds since Chicago. She is SO beautiful. Seriously, I want to be her when I grow up. I'll probably write more about our Utah weekend later.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
What's up with my URL? ...and other stuff
Miss Tori over at thewindingroadtoparenthood has let me know that there is something wrong with my URL settings on my blog. Does anyone know why she would be getting a message that my blog doesn't detect a feed for URL? When I went semi-private I changed the setting for search engines to find me but I didn't think I changed anything about URLs. Of course I could be wrong. I just went back into my settings but couldn't find anything about URL settings. Any suggestions? Anybody??
Today is the first day of the Holiday Challenge. It's the first challenge I have done so this will be interesting. My weight this morning was 274.4, which is up from last week. Ummm yea, I really need this challenge to get my motivation back.
I haven't been blogging much lately, or reading, or commenting. Yea, I know, I suck!! I've been feeling blah and just haven't felt like doing much of anything. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, whether I'm up or down, in or out, right or wrong, or if I'm just going crazy. I've been reading a lot. I crawl into bed and escape into someone else's world and then I don't have to deal with my own. I'm stressed. I cry at least once a day. I just want to run away! I hate the shorter days, going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark. I can't get warm. I miss the sun! The snow hasn't even started yet and I already hate winter. Mostly I'm just bitchy and in a pissy mood and can't find anything positive to say about anything if I had to to save my life. And I don't want to come on here and be all Debbie Downer so I've just been trying to lay low and hope that I'll wake up and feel better, so far that's not happening.
I have a lot of blogs to catch up on so I'm going to go try to read a few before I go to bed. Have a good Monday everybody.
Today is the first day of the Holiday Challenge. It's the first challenge I have done so this will be interesting. My weight this morning was 274.4, which is up from last week. Ummm yea, I really need this challenge to get my motivation back.
I haven't been blogging much lately, or reading, or commenting. Yea, I know, I suck!! I've been feeling blah and just haven't felt like doing much of anything. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, whether I'm up or down, in or out, right or wrong, or if I'm just going crazy. I've been reading a lot. I crawl into bed and escape into someone else's world and then I don't have to deal with my own. I'm stressed. I cry at least once a day. I just want to run away! I hate the shorter days, going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark. I can't get warm. I miss the sun! The snow hasn't even started yet and I already hate winter. Mostly I'm just bitchy and in a pissy mood and can't find anything positive to say about anything if I had to to save my life. And I don't want to come on here and be all Debbie Downer so I've just been trying to lay low and hope that I'll wake up and feel better, so far that's not happening.
I have a lot of blogs to catch up on so I'm going to go try to read a few before I go to bed. Have a good Monday everybody.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Bedhead for Dazee
Ok Dazee this is for you. Just cause you make me laugh and I big fluffy purple heart you!!
If you don't follow Dazee then you are really missing out. She is sassy and sarcastic and funny as hell...and I love her field trips. So if you don't follow her then you should. Cause really, your day isn't complete without a dose of Dazee.
This week Dazee challenged her followers to post a pic of their bedhead. Yes really. And I fell for it.
So, here it is....but first a little disclaimer that I will delete these pics after a few days...cause really...this is not flattering in the least.
If you don't follow Dazee then you are really missing out. She is sassy and sarcastic and funny as hell...and I love her field trips. So if you don't follow her then you should. Cause really, your day isn't complete without a dose of Dazee.
This week Dazee challenged her followers to post a pic of their bedhead. Yes really. And I fell for it.
So, here it is....but first a little disclaimer that I will delete these pics after a few days...cause really...this is not flattering in the least.
Time for a lip wax?
The toilet in the background really makes it special, don't you think?
Friday, October 29, 2010
My Confession
I have a confession....
I ate 1/2 of a glazed donut for breakfast. It didn't taste as good as I remember it.
That is all.
I ate 1/2 of a glazed donut for breakfast. It didn't taste as good as I remember it.
That is all.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Going Private.....sort of
I've been thinking for awhile now about how I wish I could start my blog over and what I would do differently if I could. Then Drazil talked about doing just that. And one of our Boob's took the leap and started fresh. So I decided to stop thinking about it and actually do something about it.
I started toying with names for a new blog, code names for my family and me, and how I would want my new blog to look. And I started worrying about whether my followers would follow me to a new blog, and what about all the blogs I follow....it would take me forever to put all those on a new blog. The more I thought about it the more overwhelming it became.
I really like my current blog, and I like the name....it just fits me. I don't have anyone following my blog that I'm not comfortable with...I'm just trying to avoid any of my family or co-workers from stumbling across it and figuring out it's me. And I don't want to feel like I can't talk about something if it would hurt someone's feelings if they found my blog. So I started thinking....what if I made my current blog private? What would I have to do to make that happen and would it even be possible at this stage? What if I removed all the identifying information on my blog? Would that work? I hope so because that's what I did. All proper names and for me, my husband and my children have been changed. Photos have been deleted. References to where I live have also been deleted.
When I was at BOOB's and I walked into the room where Draz and Jenny were handing out the t-shirts and goodie bags someone called me Donut Butt. And I liked it. So that's me now. I hope my followers will stick with me. I promise I'm not changing who I am. The only thing changing are the names and places to protect the innocent...or not so innocent as the case may be.
XOXO
I started toying with names for a new blog, code names for my family and me, and how I would want my new blog to look. And I started worrying about whether my followers would follow me to a new blog, and what about all the blogs I follow....it would take me forever to put all those on a new blog. The more I thought about it the more overwhelming it became.
I really like my current blog, and I like the name....it just fits me. I don't have anyone following my blog that I'm not comfortable with...I'm just trying to avoid any of my family or co-workers from stumbling across it and figuring out it's me. And I don't want to feel like I can't talk about something if it would hurt someone's feelings if they found my blog. So I started thinking....what if I made my current blog private? What would I have to do to make that happen and would it even be possible at this stage? What if I removed all the identifying information on my blog? Would that work? I hope so because that's what I did. All proper names and for me, my husband and my children have been changed. Photos have been deleted. References to where I live have also been deleted.
When I was at BOOB's and I walked into the room where Draz and Jenny were handing out the t-shirts and goodie bags someone called me Donut Butt. And I liked it. So that's me now. I hope my followers will stick with me. I promise I'm not changing who I am. The only thing changing are the names and places to protect the innocent...or not so innocent as the case may be.
XOXO
Friday, October 22, 2010
I'm going to need bail money!
I just need to vent for a minute. I can't really yell at my husband for his ex-wife being an irresponsible, lazy, cretin so I'm here and you'll just have to bear with me. Or not. I'm not writing this really for feedback, but just to get it out. So if you don't want to read this I'm ok with that. And you might regret it if you do. Just warning you. This is not a pretty side of me!
So hubby and I thought it would be a great idea to take advantage of the lower mortgage rates right now and refinance my house. I bought it with my ex-husband and then I got it in the divorce. And I thought it would be a good time to put my husband on the mortgage, ya know, since we're married and he pays his fair share of the bills and all.
We've been going through the motions, getting all the documentation, had the appraisal done, ready to close by the end of October and way excited that we won't have to make a November house payment so we can do Christmas shopping and maybe a trip to Utah to see friends and family.
BUT that freaking bitch face has screwed things up AGAIN! It turns out that she never refinanced their house to take hubby's name off it. AND she was 30 days late on a payment less than a year ago. I am going to rip her arms off and beat her with the bloody stumps, then I'm going to rip her head off and shit in the hole!! I am so fucking pissed!!!
This pisses me off so freaking bad because I am anal about bills, I protect my credit score like one of my children. I check it at least twice a week. I consider myself a responsible consumer. So, when someone that makes 10 times what I do and has at least 4 more years of college then me can't get her act together to pay her bills on time and follow through on a court order to have husband's name off the house loan...oh over a year ago she was supposed to do it. I GET PISSY!!
So...husband's credit shows a late house payment within the last year AND with her $2000/mth house pymt figured into our debt to income ratio it totally kills us! Did I mention I'm mad as hell?
And will my husband say anything to her about it? Hell no! They don't talk. The extent of their communication is him texting her to find out where to pick up and drop off their son for visitation. It's like he's scared of her or something and it pisses me off. So, it looks like I'm going to have to get in the middle of it, which I didn't want to do.You just don't mess with my credit! You just don't!!
We've already been turned down by 2 lenders because of her bullshit. Talk about being beyond embarrassed when the broker called to tell me. The mortgage broker is still trying for us, so hopefully he'll come through.
I know times are hard for everybody, so please don't anyone think I'm looking down my nose at anyone having a hard time right now. I'm not. I've been at the bottom of the barrel and I know it sucks big donkey dicks. But this is just so typical of her to do something like this and quite frankly this is the last straw! She is not in any financial stress right now. She has a maid for just her and an 8 yr old child in a 5 bedroom house. She takes professional golf lessons. She goes on week-long guided hunting and fishing trips. She has a Lexus, a Prius, and a 1/2 ton truck. She goes on week-long vacations every other month. She has no reason or excuse for this other than just being lazy!! I swear it's a good thing I'm at work because if I ran across her right now I'd have to do my next blog from jail. They have computers in jail, right?
Rant over. And no, I don't feel any better. But it's Friday and after work I'll go to the gym and work off a lot of agression and then I'll have a couple drinks. And then maybe I'll feel better.
So hubby and I thought it would be a great idea to take advantage of the lower mortgage rates right now and refinance my house. I bought it with my ex-husband and then I got it in the divorce. And I thought it would be a good time to put my husband on the mortgage, ya know, since we're married and he pays his fair share of the bills and all.
We've been going through the motions, getting all the documentation, had the appraisal done, ready to close by the end of October and way excited that we won't have to make a November house payment so we can do Christmas shopping and maybe a trip to Utah to see friends and family.
BUT that freaking bitch face has screwed things up AGAIN! It turns out that she never refinanced their house to take hubby's name off it. AND she was 30 days late on a payment less than a year ago. I am going to rip her arms off and beat her with the bloody stumps, then I'm going to rip her head off and shit in the hole!! I am so fucking pissed!!!
This pisses me off so freaking bad because I am anal about bills, I protect my credit score like one of my children. I check it at least twice a week. I consider myself a responsible consumer. So, when someone that makes 10 times what I do and has at least 4 more years of college then me can't get her act together to pay her bills on time and follow through on a court order to have husband's name off the house loan...oh over a year ago she was supposed to do it. I GET PISSY!!
So...husband's credit shows a late house payment within the last year AND with her $2000/mth house pymt figured into our debt to income ratio it totally kills us! Did I mention I'm mad as hell?
And will my husband say anything to her about it? Hell no! They don't talk. The extent of their communication is him texting her to find out where to pick up and drop off their son for visitation. It's like he's scared of her or something and it pisses me off. So, it looks like I'm going to have to get in the middle of it, which I didn't want to do.You just don't mess with my credit! You just don't!!
We've already been turned down by 2 lenders because of her bullshit. Talk about being beyond embarrassed when the broker called to tell me. The mortgage broker is still trying for us, so hopefully he'll come through.
I know times are hard for everybody, so please don't anyone think I'm looking down my nose at anyone having a hard time right now. I'm not. I've been at the bottom of the barrel and I know it sucks big donkey dicks. But this is just so typical of her to do something like this and quite frankly this is the last straw! She is not in any financial stress right now. She has a maid for just her and an 8 yr old child in a 5 bedroom house. She takes professional golf lessons. She goes on week-long guided hunting and fishing trips. She has a Lexus, a Prius, and a 1/2 ton truck. She goes on week-long vacations every other month. She has no reason or excuse for this other than just being lazy!! I swear it's a good thing I'm at work because if I ran across her right now I'd have to do my next blog from jail. They have computers in jail, right?
Rant over. And no, I don't feel any better. But it's Friday and after work I'll go to the gym and work off a lot of agression and then I'll have a couple drinks. And then maybe I'll feel better.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
The 5K and Gluttony
I finished the 5K!! My time was 59:32 and I was the 111th woman across the finish line. We didn't finish last, but only 4 people came in after us. I know my husband could have done it a lot faster but he stayed right with me, encouraging me, and not letting me get discouraged. It was only 37 degrees when we started. This is us at the finish line. I had my best supporters with me - my husband and my BOOBs.
Last night we went to the themed-suite inn we stayed in the caveman room . It was so awesome! I swear I want one of their jacuzzi tubs in my bathroom. The tub fills from a waterfall that comes out of the ceiling. Waking up to rocks over my head was pretty cool too. As we were sitting in the tub, talking, and it was so peaceful, I thought Wow!...now I know why Drazil loves her baths with Rambo so much!
In band news...My eating this weekend has been absolute shit! The only good part was yesterday before the 5K I had a Zone bar, then after the race I had 1/2 banana and a 1 oz chedder cheese stick. It went downhill fast from there. For lunch we went to Famous Dave's BBQ and I had a dinner salad with ranch and chicken strips from the kids menu with Drunken Apples (baked apples in cinnamon and amaretto OMG I want to die swimming in a huge vat of this stuff!). It really got bad at the hotel. They give you a choice for breakfast of a 'goody basket' where you can pick stuff off a list like yogurt, muffins, chips, candy bars, fresh fruit, croissants, etc. or 2 gift certificates for breakfast at Perkins. Hubby wanted the goody basket, so I got yogurt, mandarin oranges, fritos, peanut butter cookies, and cheesecake (we each could pick 5 things off the list). That wouldn't have been so bad except we also got pizza (thin crust so not so bad) and I only had one piece. But then I ate 1/2 of a bag of Ruffles with about 1/3 of a small container of Dill Pickle chip dip. OMG! do not let anyone tell you that you can't get full or stuck on chips....trust me...if you eat enough of them fast enough you will get stuck. Just saying. I've done shit for water too. The only positive thing I can say is that I bought a Diet Pepsi last night to eat with the pizza and popcorn but I didn't drink it, I drank a quart of water instead, and we didn't even pop the popcorn.
Today wasn't much better. I ate the yogurt for breakfast, with the peanut butter cookies. For lunch I had left-over pizza and the cheesecake. For supper we had fast food, I got halibut, deep fried of course...but I didn't get fries.
I'm not trying to be flip about what I ate, just being honest with myself and putting it out there. So when I want to bitch about not losing any weight this week I won't have a reason to complain. I haven't had a day of eating crap like this since before I was banded, and I'm not going to make it a habit. It was just a crazy weekend. Tomorrow I'll be back on track, drinking all my water, eating healthy food, and going to the gym. C'est la vie.
I'm off to catch up on blogs. XOXO
Last night we went to the themed-suite inn we stayed in the caveman room . It was so awesome! I swear I want one of their jacuzzi tubs in my bathroom. The tub fills from a waterfall that comes out of the ceiling. Waking up to rocks over my head was pretty cool too. As we were sitting in the tub, talking, and it was so peaceful, I thought Wow!...now I know why Drazil loves her baths with Rambo so much!
In band news...My eating this weekend has been absolute shit! The only good part was yesterday before the 5K I had a Zone bar, then after the race I had 1/2 banana and a 1 oz chedder cheese stick. It went downhill fast from there. For lunch we went to Famous Dave's BBQ and I had a dinner salad with ranch and chicken strips from the kids menu with Drunken Apples (baked apples in cinnamon and amaretto OMG I want to die swimming in a huge vat of this stuff!). It really got bad at the hotel. They give you a choice for breakfast of a 'goody basket' where you can pick stuff off a list like yogurt, muffins, chips, candy bars, fresh fruit, croissants, etc. or 2 gift certificates for breakfast at Perkins. Hubby wanted the goody basket, so I got yogurt, mandarin oranges, fritos, peanut butter cookies, and cheesecake (we each could pick 5 things off the list). That wouldn't have been so bad except we also got pizza (thin crust so not so bad) and I only had one piece. But then I ate 1/2 of a bag of Ruffles with about 1/3 of a small container of Dill Pickle chip dip. OMG! do not let anyone tell you that you can't get full or stuck on chips....trust me...if you eat enough of them fast enough you will get stuck. Just saying. I've done shit for water too. The only positive thing I can say is that I bought a Diet Pepsi last night to eat with the pizza and popcorn but I didn't drink it, I drank a quart of water instead, and we didn't even pop the popcorn.
Today wasn't much better. I ate the yogurt for breakfast, with the peanut butter cookies. For lunch I had left-over pizza and the cheesecake. For supper we had fast food, I got halibut, deep fried of course...but I didn't get fries.
I'm not trying to be flip about what I ate, just being honest with myself and putting it out there. So when I want to bitch about not losing any weight this week I won't have a reason to complain. I haven't had a day of eating crap like this since before I was banded, and I'm not going to make it a habit. It was just a crazy weekend. Tomorrow I'll be back on track, drinking all my water, eating healthy food, and going to the gym. C'est la vie.
I'm off to catch up on blogs. XOXO
Friday, October 15, 2010
I’ll get to the 50 in a minute (I'm such a tease hee hee)
I turned the big 4-0 on Monday. I still can't believe I'm actually 40 freaking years old! I don't feel 40. I don't want to feel 40. I guess the thing that bothers me the most about it is that when my mom was 40 she only had 3 more years to live. 40 was the beginning of the end for my mom. And when she was 40 and I was 20 she seemed old and tired. She really was tired, she had cancer raging through her body and didn't know it, but was feeling the effects of it. It's hard, thinking what my mom might have done differently if she had known she was only going to live 3 more years. What would I do if I only had 3 years to live? What would you do?
And then I think about my life. How much I love my life, finally! I love where my relationships are, my kids, my dad, brother & sisters are all getting along for the 1st time in over 15 years. We are almost out of debt, except for the house. And I'm healthier than I have been in over 13 years. And I don't want it to end!! My husband and I were married last year, he is 43. And it's sad for me to think that he and I will most likely never celebrate a 50 year anniversary. I'll never get to see the look on his face by telling him he's going to be a daddy. I'll never get to take a picture of him sleeping with our child laying on his chest. I wouldn't want to have another kid now even if I could. But thinking about all the things that will never be possible is very sad for me. I feel like my own mortality is staring me in the face and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Moving on because all this downer crap sucks….
Tomorrow is the big 5K day! Let me fill you in on the weather forcast for tomorrow. Maybe the best way to do this is to compare today's forcast with tomorrow's:
Today: Hi-66*, Lo-40*, Mostly Sunny, at 9:52 AM it is 37*
Tomorrow: Hi-63*, Lo-39*, Mostly Sunny with 30% Chance of Rain
The 5K starts 9:00 AM.
So…It's going to be just a few degrees above freezing, and it could be raining to boot. I did a 5K on the treadmill twice this week. The first time I thought I was going to die, the second time, last night, I was ok. If I don't freeze to death then I think I might be able to finish it. I'm going to buy sweatpants and a sweatshirt to wear since I don't think my yoga pants and tank top are going to offer much warmth. I'm planning on taking knit gloves and a scarf too. If I make it to the finish line then my husband will take a picture and I'll post it. Honestly, I would like to find the aliens that kidnapped me, probed me, and implanted the assinine idea in my head of doing a 5K in October. Kidnapped by aliens, yup, it's my only excuse for such a stupid idea. Say a prayer for me :)
Tomorrow (after a hot shower and a nap) hubby and I are running away. We are going to an inn about an hour south that has theme suites. I love theme suite inns!! Last year I got to pick our get-away. It was incredible!! This year it's his turn to pick. I'm so excited!! We're going to order take-out, watch movies on the big screen TV and have lots of dessert :)
In weight loss news…
I finally made it to *50* pounds down..YEA!!! I actually saw it last week but didn't want to say anything until I saw it for 2 weeks in a row just to make sure it was for real. It took me 63 days to lose 10 stupid pounds. So aggravating!! This week I didn't lose anything, in fact I am up 2/10 of a pound. But it's still a full 50 pound loss so I'm not feeling too bad about it. I've really noticed the past month that my weight loss has slowed down a bunch. I've gone from losing a good 1.5-2 pounds a week to barely 1 pound a week. My friend at work, who is the only one at work that knows I have a band, says I'm losing inches and she can see it in my butt and my calves. Hmph. I want to see it on the damn scales!
I'm sorry I haven't been blogging very much. Life has been crazy, I've been at the gym almost every night, and I've been reading a new book. I'll try to do better. And I'm way behind on blogs, I try to read a few here and there when I'm at work but I know there are so many that I am missing. I'm hoping I'll get some time Sunday night to catch up.
I think that's it for now. Have a fantabulous weekend!! XOXO
Monday, October 4, 2010
Karma is a real bitch
So....I haven't posted in over a week. And there is a really good reason. I hate eating crow! And I knew that to be completely honest, full disclosure, and all that happy horse shit that I'd have to come on here and set the record straight....on more than one thing. And I hate crow!!
In my last post I was pretty proud of myself that I didn't need a seat belt extender on the flight to Chicago. I was ecstatic. And feeling pretty full of myself. Evidently Karma heard my mental high fives and decided I could not possibly be allowed that much self esteem. And she hit me where it hurt. I had the honor of flying back to Salt Lake with Band Babe. She is skinny and HOT and I love her to pieces!! So when I found out we were on the same flight I was super excited. When we got to the gate I got our seats changed so we could sit together. I had a seat in the exit row and the seat next to me was empty so they just moved her to so she could sit next to me. I was loving the thought of extra leg room!!
I have to jump back a year for a just a minute so I can give a full background on this so you will understand why not needing an extender and being able to sit in the exit row is so important to me. I'll try to make it short.
In March my husband and I went to Las Vegas. On the flight back we were assigned seats in the exit row. I was so happy for my husband that he could stretch out his legs. He had a bad knee that he needed to stretch out and all the walking we did in the previous 3 days was really bothering him. (He has since had surgery on his knee and it's much better.) So, we got on the plane, I asked for an extender belt, went to our seats, buckled in and was half asleep when the flight attendant came by to make sure everyone's seat belts were clicked. I swear she yelled for everyone to hear 'You can't sit here. We don't allow people that need extenders to sit in the exit row.' I was mortified and I didn't want to make a scene. So I just said ok and said I would move. And of course my husband wouldn't stay there without me, although I told him it was ok. In the row behind us were two anorexics that I swear didn't weigh 150 pounds between them. They literally jumped up and squealed 'We'll take their seats.' The flight attendant asked if they were over 18. They were in there 30's. So, I got humiliated and they got flattered. I sat down in the seat behind the exit row and I tried really hard not to cry but I couldn't help it. I was so embarrassed for my husband and I was embarrassed for me. And I wanted to give that flight attendant a lesson in tact. I swore I would NEVER put anyone I traveled with in that situation again.
So, back to the flight home from Chicago. When we got on the plane I didn't ask for an extender, didn't even think for a minute that I would need one. Lara and I got to our seats. I sat down. I wrapped the seat belt around me. It wouldn't go around me, and not by an inch or if I really pulled it tight and sucked my gut in, we're talking at least 6 inches short of going around me. I didn't want Lara to see that after my brag-fest about not needing an extender that now I couldn't get a seat belt around me. But she did. And I started to feel a panic attack coming on. A great weekend, a new awesome friend, and I'm going to ruin it all with my fat ass, just like before. I swore I was not going to cry!! So I did the only thing I could think of. I stood up, buckled the seat belt in the seat and then sat on the seat belt. I pulled my jacket down so it looked like it was covering the seat belt. And I prayed I wouldn't get caught. The flight attendant came down the isle and I saw where she was asking people to lift up their shirts to make sure they had their seat-belt done up and I was sure I was busted. But I didn't make eye contact and when she asked if I had my seat-belt on I lied through my teeth and said Yup. She didn't make me lift up my jacket thank God! As the plane took off I was thinking please God do not let us hit turbulence because I am screwed if I really need that seat-belt. I will never again even try to sit in the exit row. I have learned my lesson!!
Also, in Chicago I mentioned that I have never BP'd. I was actually hoping someone would BP so I could see what it was, and I even have the audacity to say such a thing to my roommates. I was even feeling a little cocky about it, thinking I must be one of the 'special people' that just never BP. Well, once again Karma heard me and decided to give me taste of my own medicine. And that she did, tonight, at Applebees no less. I didn't even feel it coming and didn't have time to run to the bathroom. I was a little stuck and I was trying to burb like I normally do to get unstuck except this time I got a present with my burp. Thanks Karma!!
And because everything comes in 3's.....
I found Jen's three pounds she lost in Chicago. They followed me home on my ass. Personally I think they looked better on Jen. I was at 279.0 the Friday before we left for Chicago. I didn't lose anything the next week which I totally expected because I didn't get to the gym all that week. When I got home from Chicago and stepped on the scales Monday morning I was not a happy camper. I went to the gym three days in a row and Thursday I walked the trail at the river. So that made four days in a row that I worked out. And today, Monday, I am back at 279.0. It took me a week to lose Jen's three pounds!! Peachy!!!
And while I'm on the bitch wagon.....
I turn 40 next week. I have a really hard time saying that. And I'm having a really hard time accepting this birthday for several reasons that I won't bore you with right now. Anyway, I really wanted to lose 50 pounds by my birthday, which is 2 pounds away. So I'm really going to bust my ass this week and try to make it to my birthday goal. I really need something positive to come of this birthday!
Bitching & Moaning done.
I'm still trying to download BOOB's pics from and as soon as I get a few together then I will do a BOOB's post. My internet has been really slow so it's taking almost 20 minutes to download one picture.
Have a Terrific Tuesday!!
In my last post I was pretty proud of myself that I didn't need a seat belt extender on the flight to Chicago. I was ecstatic. And feeling pretty full of myself. Evidently Karma heard my mental high fives and decided I could not possibly be allowed that much self esteem. And she hit me where it hurt. I had the honor of flying back to Salt Lake with Band Babe. She is skinny and HOT and I love her to pieces!! So when I found out we were on the same flight I was super excited. When we got to the gate I got our seats changed so we could sit together. I had a seat in the exit row and the seat next to me was empty so they just moved her to so she could sit next to me. I was loving the thought of extra leg room!!
I have to jump back a year for a just a minute so I can give a full background on this so you will understand why not needing an extender and being able to sit in the exit row is so important to me. I'll try to make it short.
In March my husband and I went to Las Vegas. On the flight back we were assigned seats in the exit row. I was so happy for my husband that he could stretch out his legs. He had a bad knee that he needed to stretch out and all the walking we did in the previous 3 days was really bothering him. (He has since had surgery on his knee and it's much better.) So, we got on the plane, I asked for an extender belt, went to our seats, buckled in and was half asleep when the flight attendant came by to make sure everyone's seat belts were clicked. I swear she yelled for everyone to hear 'You can't sit here. We don't allow people that need extenders to sit in the exit row.' I was mortified and I didn't want to make a scene. So I just said ok and said I would move. And of course my husband wouldn't stay there without me, although I told him it was ok. In the row behind us were two anorexics that I swear didn't weigh 150 pounds between them. They literally jumped up and squealed 'We'll take their seats.' The flight attendant asked if they were over 18. They were in there 30's. So, I got humiliated and they got flattered. I sat down in the seat behind the exit row and I tried really hard not to cry but I couldn't help it. I was so embarrassed for my husband and I was embarrassed for me. And I wanted to give that flight attendant a lesson in tact. I swore I would NEVER put anyone I traveled with in that situation again.
So, back to the flight home from Chicago. When we got on the plane I didn't ask for an extender, didn't even think for a minute that I would need one. Lara and I got to our seats. I sat down. I wrapped the seat belt around me. It wouldn't go around me, and not by an inch or if I really pulled it tight and sucked my gut in, we're talking at least 6 inches short of going around me. I didn't want Lara to see that after my brag-fest about not needing an extender that now I couldn't get a seat belt around me. But she did. And I started to feel a panic attack coming on. A great weekend, a new awesome friend, and I'm going to ruin it all with my fat ass, just like before. I swore I was not going to cry!! So I did the only thing I could think of. I stood up, buckled the seat belt in the seat and then sat on the seat belt. I pulled my jacket down so it looked like it was covering the seat belt. And I prayed I wouldn't get caught. The flight attendant came down the isle and I saw where she was asking people to lift up their shirts to make sure they had their seat-belt done up and I was sure I was busted. But I didn't make eye contact and when she asked if I had my seat-belt on I lied through my teeth and said Yup. She didn't make me lift up my jacket thank God! As the plane took off I was thinking please God do not let us hit turbulence because I am screwed if I really need that seat-belt. I will never again even try to sit in the exit row. I have learned my lesson!!
Also, in Chicago I mentioned that I have never BP'd. I was actually hoping someone would BP so I could see what it was, and I even have the audacity to say such a thing to my roommates. I was even feeling a little cocky about it, thinking I must be one of the 'special people' that just never BP. Well, once again Karma heard me and decided to give me taste of my own medicine. And that she did, tonight, at Applebees no less. I didn't even feel it coming and didn't have time to run to the bathroom. I was a little stuck and I was trying to burb like I normally do to get unstuck except this time I got a present with my burp. Thanks Karma!!
And because everything comes in 3's.....
I found Jen's three pounds she lost in Chicago. They followed me home on my ass. Personally I think they looked better on Jen. I was at 279.0 the Friday before we left for Chicago. I didn't lose anything the next week which I totally expected because I didn't get to the gym all that week. When I got home from Chicago and stepped on the scales Monday morning I was not a happy camper. I went to the gym three days in a row and Thursday I walked the trail at the river. So that made four days in a row that I worked out. And today, Monday, I am back at 279.0. It took me a week to lose Jen's three pounds!! Peachy!!!
And while I'm on the bitch wagon.....
I turn 40 next week. I have a really hard time saying that. And I'm having a really hard time accepting this birthday for several reasons that I won't bore you with right now. Anyway, I really wanted to lose 50 pounds by my birthday, which is 2 pounds away. So I'm really going to bust my ass this week and try to make it to my birthday goal. I really need something positive to come of this birthday!
Bitching & Moaning done.
I'm still trying to download BOOB's pics from and as soon as I get a few together then I will do a BOOB's post. My internet has been really slow so it's taking almost 20 minutes to download one picture.
Have a Terrific Tuesday!!
Friday, September 24, 2010
Things I learned today
1. Telling my husband and my son goodbye when they dropped me off at the airport this morning was harder than I thought. My son cried and then I cried too.
2. Traffic in Chicago sucks!! If you're staying downtown fly into Midway not O'Hare. It took almost 1 1/2 hours to go 18 miles. According to the driver of the shuttle bus there is never traffic from Midway into downtown and it's 8 miles closer.
3. If you lose the back of an earring you can bite a chunk off a wine cork and use that. Thanks Jenn Steele for that awesome tip...you saved the night!!
4. I had a really good hair & make-up day. It felt good.
5. I don't look like my picture on my blog, at least that's what I was told, twice. Jen took pictures and as soon as she posts them I'm going to steal one of me and use if for my new picture.
7. Best NSV of all - I don't need a seat belt extension on the plane anymore. Really! When I got on the plane I asked the stewardess for an extension and she said. "You don't need one." I said "Yes I do I'm flying to Chicago." Like it didn't even hit me what she was really saying. She said "No, really, I'm sure you won't need one." And when I sat down in my seat I was thinking how stupid we were both going to look when I had to back and tell her she was wrong. But you know what? She wasn't. The regular seat belt fit me...barely...but it fit. And I cried because I was so happy.
8. I am having the best time! It's all so much better than I ever imagined!!
2. Traffic in Chicago sucks!! If you're staying downtown fly into Midway not O'Hare. It took almost 1 1/2 hours to go 18 miles. According to the driver of the shuttle bus there is never traffic from Midway into downtown and it's 8 miles closer.
3. If you lose the back of an earring you can bite a chunk off a wine cork and use that. Thanks Jenn Steele for that awesome tip...you saved the night!!
4. I had a really good hair & make-up day. It felt good.
5. I don't look like my picture on my blog, at least that's what I was told, twice. Jen took pictures and as soon as she posts them I'm going to steal one of me and use if for my new picture.
7. Best NSV of all - I don't need a seat belt extension on the plane anymore. Really! When I got on the plane I asked the stewardess for an extension and she said. "You don't need one." I said "Yes I do I'm flying to Chicago." Like it didn't even hit me what she was really saying. She said "No, really, I'm sure you won't need one." And when I sat down in my seat I was thinking how stupid we were both going to look when I had to back and tell her she was wrong. But you know what? She wasn't. The regular seat belt fit me...barely...but it fit. And I cried because I was so happy.
8. I am having the best time! It's all so much better than I ever imagined!!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The whole truth and nothing but the truth
I got this in an email today and I just had to share it. I added my own comments in parentheses.
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1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (Failure to complete this duty will result in being haunted for the rest of your life!)
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (Yup, been there)
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Why can't we turn the break room into the nap room for an hour a day?)
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. (Why hasn't anyone figured this out?)
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (We've been to the moon but this one thing is still beyond the grasp of the human race)
6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (Ha! They don't even teach it anymore!)
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. (Yup, been there)
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (Why can't we turn the break room into the nap room for an hour a day?)
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. (Why hasn't anyone figured this out?)
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (We've been to the moon but this one thing is still beyond the grasp of the human race)
6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (Ha! They don't even teach it anymore!)
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. (Barely...I've been known to get lost taking a *short-cut* to work.)
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (Does anyone watch '1000 Ways to Die' on Spike? I love that show!)
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. (Well, at least in daylight hours anyway....when the sun goes down BAM wide freaking awake!)
10. Bad decisions make good stories. (and funny blogs)
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. (or week, as in this week)
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. (Anybody want about 100 Disney movies on VHS?....no?....didn't think so)
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. (I hate it when that happens)
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. (guilty!)
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. (How else are you supposed to find hidden ice cream at 1 AM without waking up anyone else...ya know, cause then you'd have to share!)
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. (You would have bet on it because nobody remembers for sure)
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. (Amy W would really like this option)
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. (AMEN!!!)
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? (What?)
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! (Not so sure about this one....I'm usually the jerk trying to cut in)
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. (just ask my son...he'll wear the same pants for a week if I don't steal them out of his room and hide them in the laundry)
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. (Who still uses a watch?)
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! (This is SO true)
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (or to learn where their brain is REALLY located)
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. (You would have bet on it because nobody remembers for sure)
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. (Amy W would really like this option)
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. (AMEN!!!)
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? (What?)
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! (Not so sure about this one....I'm usually the jerk trying to cut in)
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. (just ask my son...he'll wear the same pants for a week if I don't steal them out of his room and hide them in the laundry)
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. (Who still uses a watch?)
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! (This is SO true)
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (or to learn where their brain is REALLY located)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
BOOB's questionaire
Hi all the boobie girls! Someone much more organized than I am thought it would be fun to know more about you, and she enlisted me to think of some crazy questions…so…this is sort of a Gillyified version of Drazil’s BYOC. Knock yourselves out.
1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favorite foods along. What do you bring?
Nachos
Shrimp cocktail
Cherry Garcia ice cream
2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?
Princess Diana - cause I wanted to be her when I was younger, I loved everything about her. I cried for a week when she died.
The man (you know it was a man) that invented high heels - cause I want to bitch slap him upside the head!!
Drazil - cause she warms my heart, makes me laugh, gives me hope and reads my thoughts then puts them into words that I cannot . I respect her so much...she is a superstar to me!! And guess what?? I get to meet her in 2 days!!
3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)
Rusty Falls....I better not quit my day job with a name like that LOL. Personally, I like LaVikit Trickelson.
4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?
I was 15. Least favorite: bat wings. Most favorite: I have a waist.
5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted? Yes and NO!
6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come? Natural color is mousy brown. I dye it because I like being blonde, it feels more like 'me'....and it gives me an excuse for when I do really dumb things. Life is for living, hair is for dying!!
7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?
bikini's for both ;-)
8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)
No trilogies??? UGH!! I don't care, I'm breaking the rules...Twilight duh!! But if I have to follow the rules (which were made to be broken) I'd say Dirty Dancing.
9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)
Pedicures
10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :) 48 YEA!!!
1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favorite foods along. What do you bring?
Nachos
Shrimp cocktail
Cherry Garcia ice cream
2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?
Princess Diana - cause I wanted to be her when I was younger, I loved everything about her. I cried for a week when she died.
The man (you know it was a man) that invented high heels - cause I want to bitch slap him upside the head!!
Drazil - cause she warms my heart, makes me laugh, gives me hope and reads my thoughts then puts them into words that I cannot . I respect her so much...she is a superstar to me!! And guess what?? I get to meet her in 2 days!!
3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)
Rusty Falls....I better not quit my day job with a name like that LOL. Personally, I like LaVikit Trickelson.
4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?
I was 15. Least favorite: bat wings. Most favorite: I have a waist.
5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted? Yes and NO!
6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come? Natural color is mousy brown. I dye it because I like being blonde, it feels more like 'me'....and it gives me an excuse for when I do really dumb things. Life is for living, hair is for dying!!
7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?
bikini's for both ;-)
8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)
No trilogies??? UGH!! I don't care, I'm breaking the rules...Twilight duh!! But if I have to follow the rules (which were made to be broken) I'd say Dirty Dancing.
9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)
Pedicures
10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :) 48 YEA!!!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Random Catching Up....
I guess I've been away for a few days...ok...it's been a week. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to abandon you, things have just been really crazy.
I've been busy with a lot of things but mostly reading a few books. When I really get into a good book the rest of the world stops turning. Seriously, I called in sick to work once (in the middle of Breaking Dawn) so I could read. The books I was reading was The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay. I've read the first two before but the last one came out a couple weeks ago and hubby bought it Wednesday for me as a surprise so I wanted to read the others again before I read the last one. Really, really good books!! I read until 4:30 in the morning Saturday night so I could finish the last book....I just could not put it down!
My son turns 13 on Wednesday. I cannot believe my baby will be a teenager. I feel so old!!
I had a .25 cc fill on Wednesday last week. I feel much better. I'm still able to eat but not as much and I'm staying full longer. Hopefully I can keep the restriction.
After my pity-post last week I did what Drazil told me to do. I got my ass off the couch and went to the gym both Wednesday and Thursday. And I lost 1 pound. Which I will take and be very proud of thank you very much. So, I am now 2 pounds from losing 50. This week is hella crazy and there is no way I see a gym date before Friday. I'm ok with that. I've trying to think of all the things I will be gaining by losing the weight and it's making me feel better. I've even managed to move a few things out of my closet for giving away, things I have no emotional attachment to, thanks to my husband taking everything out of my closet one by one and asking what the story is for that item. If I didn't have a good story it went in the give-away pile. It actually felt good, like progress, and a cleansing of sorts.
Hubby and I built a dog run for our dog Sunday. OMG let me tell you...my arms hurt so freaking bad today from putting all those wire tires around the top of the fencing. Now we're working on building a floor for it, just 2x4's and plywood but it will have to do until spring when we can poor cement. We planned on doing the cement before winter but we realized we won't have another free weekend until mid November and by then we'll have snow. My point in all this is that I managed to rip off half of my big toe nail while playing construction worker. Yea, it hurt like a bitch!! So I will have pretty painted toe nails in Chicago but one toe nail won't be so pretty. It's all my husband's fault, even though he was in the house when I did it, it's still his fault...ummm cause he wasn't there to stop me from trying to move the plywood by kicking it with nothing more than my flip flops on my feet. Sometimes blond goes more than skin deep.
I have been to my hairdresser 4 times to get my hair done for Chicago. #1 The initial appt to color and cut my hair. #2 to cut my hair because he ran out of time and didn't get it cut the first time. #3 To fix the crooked back of my hair and fix the color because after 2 days the color went white with black streaks. Can you say skunk?? But of course he never showed up. Do not even get me started on how pissed off I am. Needless to say I will NEVER go back to him again. #4 To a new hairdresser that fixed my hair perfect, better than perfect. I now love it!!
Like everyone else I am trying to figure out what to bring to Chicago. I really wanted to try to fit everything into a carry-on bag, but I'm kidding myself if I think that will work. I was telling my husband last night at midnight, that I can't decide what to take to Chicago. I was trying to explain to him how important it is that I am comfortable, look good, and that I present a good impression. He said "That's not hard for you to do, you always look good." Huge brownie points for him!! Seriously, I think if I just pack everything I own then I should be covered :-)
I really am getting so excited and nervous. What if I freeze and wind up sitting in the corner with that deer in the headlights stare on my face, terrified to talk to anyone? What if I try to talk to Drazil or Amy W and all I can do is studder and stare? What if I fart in my sleep? I've never had wine...will I like it? If I break a nail will there be somewhere I can get it fixed? What if I twist my ankle walking to the restaurant, fall down, and rip my dress? What if I never want to leave my new best friends? It's all so exciting and scary at the same time. But mostly exciting :)
I'm going to go catch up on blogs and get some sleep. Nite nite everyone :)
I've been busy with a lot of things but mostly reading a few books. When I really get into a good book the rest of the world stops turning. Seriously, I called in sick to work once (in the middle of Breaking Dawn) so I could read. The books I was reading was The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay. I've read the first two before but the last one came out a couple weeks ago and hubby bought it Wednesday for me as a surprise so I wanted to read the others again before I read the last one. Really, really good books!! I read until 4:30 in the morning Saturday night so I could finish the last book....I just could not put it down!
My son turns 13 on Wednesday. I cannot believe my baby will be a teenager. I feel so old!!
I had a .25 cc fill on Wednesday last week. I feel much better. I'm still able to eat but not as much and I'm staying full longer. Hopefully I can keep the restriction.
After my pity-post last week I did what Drazil told me to do. I got my ass off the couch and went to the gym both Wednesday and Thursday. And I lost 1 pound. Which I will take and be very proud of thank you very much. So, I am now 2 pounds from losing 50. This week is hella crazy and there is no way I see a gym date before Friday. I'm ok with that. I've trying to think of all the things I will be gaining by losing the weight and it's making me feel better. I've even managed to move a few things out of my closet for giving away, things I have no emotional attachment to, thanks to my husband taking everything out of my closet one by one and asking what the story is for that item. If I didn't have a good story it went in the give-away pile. It actually felt good, like progress, and a cleansing of sorts.
Hubby and I built a dog run for our dog Sunday. OMG let me tell you...my arms hurt so freaking bad today from putting all those wire tires around the top of the fencing. Now we're working on building a floor for it, just 2x4's and plywood but it will have to do until spring when we can poor cement. We planned on doing the cement before winter but we realized we won't have another free weekend until mid November and by then we'll have snow. My point in all this is that I managed to rip off half of my big toe nail while playing construction worker. Yea, it hurt like a bitch!! So I will have pretty painted toe nails in Chicago but one toe nail won't be so pretty. It's all my husband's fault, even though he was in the house when I did it, it's still his fault...ummm cause he wasn't there to stop me from trying to move the plywood by kicking it with nothing more than my flip flops on my feet. Sometimes blond goes more than skin deep.
I have been to my hairdresser 4 times to get my hair done for Chicago. #1 The initial appt to color and cut my hair. #2 to cut my hair because he ran out of time and didn't get it cut the first time. #3 To fix the crooked back of my hair and fix the color because after 2 days the color went white with black streaks. Can you say skunk?? But of course he never showed up. Do not even get me started on how pissed off I am. Needless to say I will NEVER go back to him again. #4 To a new hairdresser that fixed my hair perfect, better than perfect. I now love it!!
Like everyone else I am trying to figure out what to bring to Chicago. I really wanted to try to fit everything into a carry-on bag, but I'm kidding myself if I think that will work. I was telling my husband last night at midnight, that I can't decide what to take to Chicago. I was trying to explain to him how important it is that I am comfortable, look good, and that I present a good impression. He said "That's not hard for you to do, you always look good." Huge brownie points for him!! Seriously, I think if I just pack everything I own then I should be covered :-)
I really am getting so excited and nervous. What if I freeze and wind up sitting in the corner with that deer in the headlights stare on my face, terrified to talk to anyone? What if I try to talk to Drazil or Amy W and all I can do is studder and stare? What if I fart in my sleep? I've never had wine...will I like it? If I break a nail will there be somewhere I can get it fixed? What if I twist my ankle walking to the restaurant, fall down, and rip my dress? What if I never want to leave my new best friends? It's all so exciting and scary at the same time. But mostly exciting :)
I'm going to go catch up on blogs and get some sleep. Nite nite everyone :)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Dealing with the mental losses...
Drazil's post today really struck a chord (she has an annoying habit of doing that to me!). This paragraph specifically sent tears streaming down my cheeks....it was truly an ah-ha moment for me.
I've almost lost 50 pounds, 47 to be exact. I really want to hit that 50 pound mark for Chicago. And I should be ecstatic that I've lost 47 pounds, but I'm not. So many things are changing...my body, my clothes, and my emotions. I wasn't ready for all this, didn't see it coming, and I don't know how to deal with it.
It's like I have two people living inside me, and it's getting crowded. Meet Skinny Me and Fat Me (they really need better names, but this will have to work for now). Skinny Me is screaming to get off my ass and lose those 3 measly pounds. Skinny Me packs her gym bag before she goes to bed and even puts it in the car so Fat Me can't 'accidentally' forget it in the morning. Fat Me claims to have a brain fart and forgets to put socks in the gym bag, so Skinny Me can't work out after work. Skinny Me plans dinner meals a month in advance and posts the menu on the fridge for everyone to see. Fat Me decides she wants Arctic Circle instead of Tilapia, and seduces her husband into going along with her. Skinny Me is trying hard to evict Fat Me. Fat Me is scared....and sad. She misses chicken pot pie and scone nuggets at the fair. She feels left behind. Discarded. Useless. Like all those years didn't matter, all the times we cried together, ate Cherry Garcia ice cream at 2 in the morning, like she's been kicked to the curb as soon as something better came along. Abandoned.
The catalyst for all this is that my clothes don't fit anymore. Clothes I've had for years. My three favorite sweaters that I have worn every winter for years and they still look brand new because I baby them when I wash them. I love the way I could snuggle my arms into them on cold mornings. But now I can't. Because they fall off my shoulders. There is the dress that I wore to the first Christmas Army Ball I went to with my husband when we were dating.
I never got to go to the prom in high school, so the Ball was my turn to be a princess. And I felt like one. We danced, we had pictures taken, and for once, I sparkled. I wrote on Facebook that night that it was better than a fairytale, because fairy tales don't come true. The dress I wore to the Army Ball last year, long, black, flowy, elegant, beautiful. And I'll never be able to wear it again. (This picture is at the after party.....we had a blast!)
Or the bra that I wore on my wedding day. (I'll spare you the picture of that one.) It's all lace and boy howdy does that sucker lift and make some awesome cleavage. It was the most I had ever spent on a bra. But I was worth it. And every time I wore it I remembered how special that day was, how I cried when my sister helped me get dressed, and how incredible it was that night when my husband took that bra off me and we made love as husband and wife. And I can't wear it anymore. But I can't let it go. The jacket I was wearing when I signed the papers on MY home. The skirt I wore to my mom's funeral. So many more....
I actually took several things out of my closet last week. Put them aside to give away. Before I could go to sleep I had to get out of bed and hang them back up.
Like Draz said, they're not just clothes. They're memories. My scrapbooks.
My friend talked me into going shopping this weekend. I bought bras, pants, and tops. And I wore one of the outfits today, but it just didn't 'feel' right. Oh, it fit perfect,and I got lots of compliments. But it wasn't the same. It's like moving into a new house. It's exciting and fun to decorate. But it takes a while for it to feel like 'home'. My new clothes aren't 'home'. They are like the fun hotel you stay in for a week, but then want to go home to your old comfy bed, your own kitchen, and your own bathroom. But this time I can't. I can never go back.
So where do I go from here? I realize I am sabotaging myself. Stalling the inevitable grief of letting go. Trying to fit into my clothes for just one more week. Eating that whole damn Tostino's pizza Friday night, nachos for lunch yesterday, and 3 chocolatey turtles on the way home today. And I didn't go to the gym today even though I told everyone that come hell or high water I was going, but something came up and I let it be an excuse to not go. And Skinny Me is pissed as hell sitting here on the couch, crying at 10:30 at night, because I wasted another day not moving toward my goal.
I know that for me to be healthy, to be the me I know I am inside, I have to say goodbye to Fat Me and her clothes. I know that to lose I have to let go. But it's so hard. I've had to let go of so much in my life....my mom, my son, four husbands, my birds. I know these are just clothes, not priceless works of art, not people, just material objects, but priceless objects to me. They are the link that ties me to all the things that have made me who I am, to those memories that I don't want to let go of, can't let go. Grieving is one thing that does not get easier with practice!
I feel guilty that I haven't done a 'From My Rack to Yours' post. And I feel horrible that I haven't sent any clothes to anyone. But right now I just can't. I'm sorry. And that has to be good enough for now. Please be patient with me. I am slowly understanding why this is a journey and not just a to-do list.
Thank you all for being here, for listening to me, and for being my friends. You all mean more to me than I could ever put into words.
"if you don’t deal with the mental losses, if you just keep losing without letting go, even grieving who you were….well you’ll miss what you’ve gained and wake up one morning and wonder who the hell you really are at the core. It isn’t just physical. I don’t believe it can be."For the past couple weeks I've really been struggling. Conflicted. Anxious. In the lap band seminars, the appointments with the dietitian, the psych eval...nobody ever said I would lose so much more than the weight. But even if they had told me I'm sure I would have said something like 'Bring it on...this fat bitch has worn out her welcome' because honestly nothing anyone could have said would have prepared me for the emotional struggle that goes with my weight loss. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sorry I got my band. I love it! I don't regret it for a second. But I didn't know how hard it would be to 'allow' myself to lose the weight.
I've almost lost 50 pounds, 47 to be exact. I really want to hit that 50 pound mark for Chicago. And I should be ecstatic that I've lost 47 pounds, but I'm not. So many things are changing...my body, my clothes, and my emotions. I wasn't ready for all this, didn't see it coming, and I don't know how to deal with it.
It's like I have two people living inside me, and it's getting crowded. Meet Skinny Me and Fat Me (they really need better names, but this will have to work for now). Skinny Me is screaming to get off my ass and lose those 3 measly pounds. Skinny Me packs her gym bag before she goes to bed and even puts it in the car so Fat Me can't 'accidentally' forget it in the morning. Fat Me claims to have a brain fart and forgets to put socks in the gym bag, so Skinny Me can't work out after work. Skinny Me plans dinner meals a month in advance and posts the menu on the fridge for everyone to see. Fat Me decides she wants Arctic Circle instead of Tilapia, and seduces her husband into going along with her. Skinny Me is trying hard to evict Fat Me. Fat Me is scared....and sad. She misses chicken pot pie and scone nuggets at the fair. She feels left behind. Discarded. Useless. Like all those years didn't matter, all the times we cried together, ate Cherry Garcia ice cream at 2 in the morning, like she's been kicked to the curb as soon as something better came along. Abandoned.
The catalyst for all this is that my clothes don't fit anymore. Clothes I've had for years. My three favorite sweaters that I have worn every winter for years and they still look brand new because I baby them when I wash them. I love the way I could snuggle my arms into them on cold mornings. But now I can't. Because they fall off my shoulders. There is the dress that I wore to the first Christmas Army Ball I went to with my husband when we were dating.
I never got to go to the prom in high school, so the Ball was my turn to be a princess. And I felt like one. We danced, we had pictures taken, and for once, I sparkled. I wrote on Facebook that night that it was better than a fairytale, because fairy tales don't come true. The dress I wore to the Army Ball last year, long, black, flowy, elegant, beautiful. And I'll never be able to wear it again. (This picture is at the after party.....we had a blast!)
Or the bra that I wore on my wedding day. (I'll spare you the picture of that one.) It's all lace and boy howdy does that sucker lift and make some awesome cleavage. It was the most I had ever spent on a bra. But I was worth it. And every time I wore it I remembered how special that day was, how I cried when my sister helped me get dressed, and how incredible it was that night when my husband took that bra off me and we made love as husband and wife. And I can't wear it anymore. But I can't let it go. The jacket I was wearing when I signed the papers on MY home. The skirt I wore to my mom's funeral. So many more....
I actually took several things out of my closet last week. Put them aside to give away. Before I could go to sleep I had to get out of bed and hang them back up.
Like Draz said, they're not just clothes. They're memories. My scrapbooks.
My friend talked me into going shopping this weekend. I bought bras, pants, and tops. And I wore one of the outfits today, but it just didn't 'feel' right. Oh, it fit perfect,and I got lots of compliments. But it wasn't the same. It's like moving into a new house. It's exciting and fun to decorate. But it takes a while for it to feel like 'home'. My new clothes aren't 'home'. They are like the fun hotel you stay in for a week, but then want to go home to your old comfy bed, your own kitchen, and your own bathroom. But this time I can't. I can never go back.
So where do I go from here? I realize I am sabotaging myself. Stalling the inevitable grief of letting go. Trying to fit into my clothes for just one more week. Eating that whole damn Tostino's pizza Friday night, nachos for lunch yesterday, and 3 chocolatey turtles on the way home today. And I didn't go to the gym today even though I told everyone that come hell or high water I was going, but something came up and I let it be an excuse to not go. And Skinny Me is pissed as hell sitting here on the couch, crying at 10:30 at night, because I wasted another day not moving toward my goal.
I know that for me to be healthy, to be the me I know I am inside, I have to say goodbye to Fat Me and her clothes. I know that to lose I have to let go. But it's so hard. I've had to let go of so much in my life....my mom, my son, four husbands, my birds. I know these are just clothes, not priceless works of art, not people, just material objects, but priceless objects to me. They are the link that ties me to all the things that have made me who I am, to those memories that I don't want to let go of, can't let go. Grieving is one thing that does not get easier with practice!
I feel guilty that I haven't done a 'From My Rack to Yours' post. And I feel horrible that I haven't sent any clothes to anyone. But right now I just can't. I'm sorry. And that has to be good enough for now. Please be patient with me. I am slowly understanding why this is a journey and not just a to-do list.
Thank you all for being here, for listening to me, and for being my friends. You all mean more to me than I could ever put into words.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
What is wrong with this picture?
I got up late this morning, didn't have time for a shower, did damage control on my hair, and dressed in the dark so I wouldn't wake up my husband then off to work I went without taking 2 extra seconds to check the mirror. I worked all day, then went to dinner with my husband and my son, and then to an appointment to have my hair colored and cut. When I was walking out of the salon I looked down to step off the curb...and this is what I saw....
I shit you not!! I have walked around all freaking day with two different fucking shoes!! I am now wondering if anyone at work noticed. And how could they not notice? I mean really! Women notice other women's shoes. And why didn't anyone say anything to me? Hmmm? That'll teach me to over-sleep and get dressed in the dark half asleep. I cannot believe I did that!!
I threatened my husband with his life if he ever told anyone I did this. His correct response was "Did what?" Good husband.
And you know I can only share this with you because you are all so supportive and I know you would never laugh at me...right?!? You are my friends and you would never do that..right? Are you laughing? ok...really...you can stop laughing now...it's really not that funny. It could have happened to anyone. I'm sure I'm not the first. So who else has done this? No one? Really? hmmmm
Just one more thing to add to the growing list of 'Things that only happen to me.
I shit you not!! I have walked around all freaking day with two different fucking shoes!! I am now wondering if anyone at work noticed. And how could they not notice? I mean really! Women notice other women's shoes. And why didn't anyone say anything to me? Hmmm? That'll teach me to over-sleep and get dressed in the dark half asleep. I cannot believe I did that!!
I threatened my husband with his life if he ever told anyone I did this. His correct response was "Did what?" Good husband.
And you know I can only share this with you because you are all so supportive and I know you would never laugh at me...right?!? You are my friends and you would never do that..right? Are you laughing? ok...really...you can stop laughing now...it's really not that funny. It could have happened to anyone. I'm sure I'm not the first. So who else has done this? No one? Really? hmmmm
Just one more thing to add to the growing list of 'Things that only happen to me.
Thousand Word Thursday
This weeks assignment: A decoration in your home that is very meaningful to you - a family heirloom, a gift from your BFF, etc.
This is a a set of china that was my mom's and my grandma's before her. I have a couple more pieces from this set tucked away for 'someday' when I get a real china cabinet. For now this much sits on a shelf above the kitchen sink. A little piece of my mom to keep me company while I'm doing dishes. Here is a close up of the pattern (please ignore the dead gnats that get fried from that dumb light):
This is a a set of china that was my mom's and my grandma's before her. I have a couple more pieces from this set tucked away for 'someday' when I get a real china cabinet. For now this much sits on a shelf above the kitchen sink. A little piece of my mom to keep me company while I'm doing dishes. Here is a close up of the pattern (please ignore the dead gnats that get fried from that dumb light):
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I Wish Wednesday
Thought I'd take a minute and do a little I Wish Wednesday.
I wish I could put into words how much all your comments mean to me. I was so scared hitting the Publish button on my last post. I thought I wouldn't have any followers when I came back the next day. Not one person left me. Why do we not have words for more than Thank you? Those 2 words just don't seem enough. Your support is priceless.....I wish I would have found you all 10 years ago!
I wish it wasn't time for the fair. And I wish there wasn't so much damn food that I want to eat. I wish I could eat just one scone nugget covered in honey butter. I wish I could eat a slice of the homemade bread with fresh strawberry jam. I wish I could eat a Hansen's Hogie with 1/4 pound of grilled onions. But then I'm so glad that I can't eat everything I want. I love my band!!
I wish I didn't have to exercise to lose weight. To lose weight I have to move my ass, and sweat. And I hate to sweat!
I wish summer wasn't over and we had another warm weekend to go camping. Just two days with no TV, no computers...just campfires and board games. Weekends in the mountains feed my soul and rejuvenates me like nothing else.
I guess that's it for today....not much else going on. Have a great Thursday!!
I wish I could put into words how much all your comments mean to me. I was so scared hitting the Publish button on my last post. I thought I wouldn't have any followers when I came back the next day. Not one person left me. Why do we not have words for more than Thank you? Those 2 words just don't seem enough. Your support is priceless.....I wish I would have found you all 10 years ago!
I wish it wasn't time for the fair. And I wish there wasn't so much damn food that I want to eat. I wish I could eat just one scone nugget covered in honey butter. I wish I could eat a slice of the homemade bread with fresh strawberry jam. I wish I could eat a Hansen's Hogie with 1/4 pound of grilled onions. But then I'm so glad that I can't eat everything I want. I love my band!!
I wish I didn't have to exercise to lose weight. To lose weight I have to move my ass, and sweat. And I hate to sweat!
I wish summer wasn't over and we had another warm weekend to go camping. Just two days with no TV, no computers...just campfires and board games. Weekends in the mountains feed my soul and rejuvenates me like nothing else.
I guess that's it for today....not much else going on. Have a great Thursday!!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Thousand Word Thursday.....literally
When I started writing this I just meant to post the pic and a little description of why I like my tattoo. I didn't fathom this would go where it did. I have skeletons in my closet. Scary skeletons. I am ok with what I have written but it's a big leap for me to even mention the things I did. I don't talk about my deep dark feelings very much, or my feelings at all for that matter, if you hadn't noticed. I have a wall. A thick wall. There are things I have started to write about, decided it was too risky, and deleted. I could have deleted the last paragraph just the same. But, the fact that these things started flowing, I started crying, and I just let it go, tells me I might be ready. It hurts, but I know I can't heal without letting it go. Blogging is new for me. I am still testing the water so to speak. But I like it. I need this safe place. I need this outlet. And I'm afraid if I 'go there' it will be gone. Please be patient with me, I have a lot to work through....and I am hoping blogging will help me with that.
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Thank you Amy for this great post topic!!
I don't really have a favorite body *part*. I have crooked toes, my boobs sag and I'm dramatically lop-sided, yea, I know you wanted to know that. I like my face when I have make-up on, but really I haven't used make-up since it got over 80 degrees...and I wasn't about to do it for a blog picture, sorry, you'll just have to wait for Chicago to see that. My hair sucks!! I desperately need a dye job...I don't have gray hair (which really pisses off my younger sister that has a lot of gray) and it's straight and very fine so it doesn't do a lot and doesn't like to hold a curl. My lips are thin...we're talking chicken lips thin. I have no top lip! So I have my lips tattooed. Yes it hurts like a bitch!! My ass is HUGE. My thunder thighs are an embarrassment all their own. So as far as body parts go....I have a lot of room for improvement.
The one thing on my body that I do like is the tattoo of my parrots on my back. The fact that my sister did it makes it even more special. The tattoo is of Ralph & Gus. Ralph is an African Grey and Gus is a Quaker. Ralph was my first rescue and he taught me so much about patience and understanding and forgiveness. I found him in a dark, outside shed, freezing and starving to death in a tiny locked cage. He hadn't seen the light of day in over a year. I don't have Ralph anymore, he lives in Utah with a family that he adores. He became very aggressive toward me when I got divorced. African Grays are very sensitive to changes in environment and family structure. My husband left and he blamed it on me. It broke my heart but I had to do what was best for him. I get to see him when I go to Utah and he is very happy, and that is what really matters.
Gus is my little stinker. He is the only parrot I have right now. He lifts up his wings and says 'tickle tickle' for me to scritch his wings. He plays peek-a-boo in his birdie bed that I made for him. And he goes to school for show & tells.
When I got the tattoo it was to keep my first two rescue parrots with me forever. It has become so much more since then. I didn't realize it then, but now I see how the time that I was doing rescue/rehab was such a dark time in my life. I know now that I didn't save them, they saved me! I would sit in the bird room for hours and cry and they wouldn't judge me for my tears, they didn't pry or ask questions or try to *fix* me and their noises drowned out my cries so no one in the other room would know, they just let me cry, and I needed that. I cried for for my mom. I cried for my 4th marriage that was circling the drain. And I cried for my son that I couldn't save, that calls someone else mom, that I can't talk about, there are no words for the pain or how I will never forgive myself, so I cry. (And that I risk so much for even mentioning here now.) And I cried for me because I hated the person I saw in the mirror. Unlike my husband, or my kids, my birds were always happy to see me, would always talk to me, were always excited to learn new things. They were damaged, had been abused, and they needed to heal. And I understood. And something amazing happened....as they healed, as I saw them overcome fears of hands and food dishes and new toys and they would start talking again....I too decided I wanted to be happy and I let myself believe I was worth it. My parrots saved me! When I didn't want to get out of bed, when I laid there and prayed for God to just make my life go away, feeling that I couldn't make it through one more day. When I just wanted OUT.....I got out of bed for my birds. They needed me, but I needed them more!!
*******************************************
Thank you Amy for this great post topic!!
I don't really have a favorite body *part*. I have crooked toes, my boobs sag and I'm dramatically lop-sided, yea, I know you wanted to know that. I like my face when I have make-up on, but really I haven't used make-up since it got over 80 degrees...and I wasn't about to do it for a blog picture, sorry, you'll just have to wait for Chicago to see that. My hair sucks!! I desperately need a dye job...I don't have gray hair (which really pisses off my younger sister that has a lot of gray) and it's straight and very fine so it doesn't do a lot and doesn't like to hold a curl. My lips are thin...we're talking chicken lips thin. I have no top lip! So I have my lips tattooed. Yes it hurts like a bitch!! My ass is HUGE. My thunder thighs are an embarrassment all their own. So as far as body parts go....I have a lot of room for improvement.
The one thing on my body that I do like is the tattoo of my parrots on my back. The fact that my sister did it makes it even more special. The tattoo is of Ralph & Gus. Ralph is an African Grey and Gus is a Quaker. Ralph was my first rescue and he taught me so much about patience and understanding and forgiveness. I found him in a dark, outside shed, freezing and starving to death in a tiny locked cage. He hadn't seen the light of day in over a year. I don't have Ralph anymore, he lives in Utah with a family that he adores. He became very aggressive toward me when I got divorced. African Grays are very sensitive to changes in environment and family structure. My husband left and he blamed it on me. It broke my heart but I had to do what was best for him. I get to see him when I go to Utah and he is very happy, and that is what really matters.
Gus is my little stinker. He is the only parrot I have right now. He lifts up his wings and says 'tickle tickle' for me to scritch his wings. He plays peek-a-boo in his birdie bed that I made for him. And he goes to school for show & tells.
When I got the tattoo it was to keep my first two rescue parrots with me forever. It has become so much more since then. I didn't realize it then, but now I see how the time that I was doing rescue/rehab was such a dark time in my life. I know now that I didn't save them, they saved me! I would sit in the bird room for hours and cry and they wouldn't judge me for my tears, they didn't pry or ask questions or try to *fix* me and their noises drowned out my cries so no one in the other room would know, they just let me cry, and I needed that. I cried for for my mom. I cried for my 4th marriage that was circling the drain. And I cried for my son that I couldn't save, that calls someone else mom, that I can't talk about, there are no words for the pain or how I will never forgive myself, so I cry. (And that I risk so much for even mentioning here now.) And I cried for me because I hated the person I saw in the mirror. Unlike my husband, or my kids, my birds were always happy to see me, would always talk to me, were always excited to learn new things. They were damaged, had been abused, and they needed to heal. And I understood. And something amazing happened....as they healed, as I saw them overcome fears of hands and food dishes and new toys and they would start talking again....I too decided I wanted to be happy and I let myself believe I was worth it. My parrots saved me! When I didn't want to get out of bed, when I laid there and prayed for God to just make my life go away, feeling that I couldn't make it through one more day. When I just wanted OUT.....I got out of bed for my birds. They needed me, but I needed them more!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Chicago....wanna ride the shuttle with me??
Safety in numbers and all that jazz......
I am taking the 3:20 shuttle to the hotel on Friday and then on Sunday I'm taking the 10:25 shuttle back to the airport.
That's less than 48 hours with BOOB sisters. How will I ever get to talk to everyone in such a short time? I'm wishing we had more time. I really hope this isn't the one and only time we do this. There has to be more! We're not even there yet and I already don't want it to end!!!
So...if you're getting into O'Hare or leaving the hotel about the same time leave a comment and your email address and we'll get it worked out. I think I can change the times of the shuttles if it helps.
I am taking the 3:20 shuttle to the hotel on Friday and then on Sunday I'm taking the 10:25 shuttle back to the airport.
That's less than 48 hours with BOOB sisters. How will I ever get to talk to everyone in such a short time? I'm wishing we had more time. I really hope this isn't the one and only time we do this. There has to be more! We're not even there yet and I already don't want it to end!!!
So...if you're getting into O'Hare or leaving the hotel about the same time leave a comment and your email address and we'll get it worked out. I think I can change the times of the shuttles if it helps.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
NSV or creepy encounter???
I am almost all caught up on blogs. I finally got to my special day on the BOOB's blog. It's like having my name in lights. Pretty freaking cool. And thank you for all the awesome comments. You guys make my day!!
I really need to be getting to bed but I just wanted to leave you all with something funny that happened today. I'm not sure if you'd call it an NSV or a just a creepy encounter....I'm still on the fence.
So I went over to the grocery store today to get something for lunch. I was standing at the deli counter waiting in line when a very elderly gentlemen, way older than my dad, had to be in his 70's, forgot his dentures, and smelled like Pepto Bismal, starts talking to me out of the blue. At first I didn't realize it was me he was talking to. He said something about how the prices of things keep going up. I was polite and agreed. Small talk in the deli line....me thinking I'd be nice because he probably doesn't get out much. Then the conversation talks an awkward turn....
Pepto Man: Do you live around here?
Me: No, I live south of here.
Pepto Man: names a few towns around here
Me: says town I live in (is this line EVER going to move? and why the hell did I just tell a weird old man that?)
Pepto Man: Do you like to dance?
Me: No, not really. (holy shit, this just took a really awkward turn...and is he trying to hit on me? Seriously??)
Pepto Man: Would you like to go for a walk sometime?
Me: I don't think my husband would like that very much.
And then it was his turn at the counter and while he was talking to the deli clerk I ducked out of line.
So...I ask you...what the hell was that??? Seriously he could have been my grandpa!! Ewww!!! Double ewww!! I need to take a shower!!
Of course I was wearing Carmen's pants today so I'm going to blame it on her. It's all Carmen's fault!
I really need to be getting to bed but I just wanted to leave you all with something funny that happened today. I'm not sure if you'd call it an NSV or a just a creepy encounter....I'm still on the fence.
So I went over to the grocery store today to get something for lunch. I was standing at the deli counter waiting in line when a very elderly gentlemen, way older than my dad, had to be in his 70's, forgot his dentures, and smelled like Pepto Bismal, starts talking to me out of the blue. At first I didn't realize it was me he was talking to. He said something about how the prices of things keep going up. I was polite and agreed. Small talk in the deli line....me thinking I'd be nice because he probably doesn't get out much. Then the conversation talks an awkward turn....
Pepto Man: Do you live around here?
Me: No, I live south of here.
Pepto Man: names a few towns around here
Me: says town I live in (is this line EVER going to move? and why the hell did I just tell a weird old man that?)
Pepto Man: Do you like to dance?
Me: No, not really. (holy shit, this just took a really awkward turn...and is he trying to hit on me? Seriously??)
Pepto Man: Would you like to go for a walk sometime?
Me: I don't think my husband would like that very much.
And then it was his turn at the counter and while he was talking to the deli clerk I ducked out of line.
So...I ask you...what the hell was that??? Seriously he could have been my grandpa!! Ewww!!! Double ewww!! I need to take a shower!!
Of course I was wearing Carmen's pants today so I'm going to blame it on her. It's all Carmen's fault!
And then.......
Time to catch up on blogs. You have all been busy little bloggers the past few days haven't you? We went camping over the weekend and yesterday we cleaned out the trailer and my youngest had karate. So I am just now getting to sit down and read blogs.
AND
I noticed I have a lot more followers. Thank you all so much for following me. If I'm not following you and you would like me to follow you please leave me a link to your blog in a comment and I'll be right over :)
AND
I was Blogger of the Day at BOOB's!! How cool is that? I haven't had a chance to read the blog yet, I just saw it for a second as I was scrolling through my dashboard to see how far behind I am. But, I'm headed there right now.
AND
I promised a picture blog. It's coming, I promise. But honestly, I might not get to it this week. We're going camping again for Labor Day, so there's a lot to get ready for that. And I really need to get some clothes together and in the mail. And I have made a commitment to myself to exercise for at least 30 minutes every day this week.
I'll be back...headed to immerse myself in blog heaven now :)
AND
I noticed I have a lot more followers. Thank you all so much for following me. If I'm not following you and you would like me to follow you please leave me a link to your blog in a comment and I'll be right over :)
AND
I was Blogger of the Day at BOOB's!! How cool is that? I haven't had a chance to read the blog yet, I just saw it for a second as I was scrolling through my dashboard to see how far behind I am. But, I'm headed there right now.
AND
I promised a picture blog. It's coming, I promise. But honestly, I might not get to it this week. We're going camping again for Labor Day, so there's a lot to get ready for that. And I really need to get some clothes together and in the mail. And I have made a commitment to myself to exercise for at least 30 minutes every day this week.
I'll be back...headed to immerse myself in blog heaven now :)
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
New Bandster & Mom's Chili
Hey Everybody! There is a new bandster in town and she could really use lots of Sisterhood lovin' and support. Her name is Angela and her blog is A Better Me :) She had her surgery a week ago and she's having a really hard time right now. AND if things aren't crazy enough when you first have surgery....she became a new foster-mom to a 2 day old baby just 5 days before her surgery. Hell I could barely take care of myself after surgery let alone the thought of a new baby. She's a single mom with 2 of the cutest girls and now a new baby. Please visit her blog and give her a big hug!
I had lots of good ideas for blog posts this week, one of them with lots of pictures for Sandy Lee's picture-post challenge. Alas, it will have to wait. Hubby started back to school and started back to work all in the same 24 hours. And my son is finally growing, that's the good news. The bad news is his bones are growing faster than his ligaments. So when the bone in his foot grew, the ligament wasn't as fast and the ligament broke a piece of bone off his foot. It's very painful and he's miserable. No karate for 3 weeks. No jumping, no running, no kicking. It's been one day and he's already driving me crazy! I'll get the picture post up, just don't throw tomatoes :)
Tonight I'm getting Chili ready for the crock pot tomorrow. Actually, I'm putting all together in the crock and putting it in the fridge for hubby to put in the pot tomorrow. I have never done it the night before so hopefully it will turn out ok. And since I have the recipe handy I thought I'd share it with all my sisters here.
Mom's Chili
2 lbs lean ground beef, cooked & drained
3 cans kidney beans (I like to use 3 different kinds of beans)
3 small cans tomato sauce
3 reg cans stewed tomatoes (regular stewed tomatoes, the kind with celery, peppers, and onion)
1 small onion, chopped
1 tsp dry mustard (it has to be dry mustard)
2 or 3 beef bullion cubes
garlic salt or powder - couple sprinkles
1 glug worcestershire sauce
1 glug apple cider vinegar
3 tsp chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp pepper
1 tsp salt
little bit of brown sugar (I just get a small handful out of the canister)
Crock Pot: Combine everything together in a large crock pot (I have an oval one) and cook for about 6 hours on high.
Stove Top: Combine everything in a large stock pot. Bring to a boil. Simmer for 2 hours. It's much better in the crock pot but I have done it this way in a pinch.
This is thick chili, so if want it more saucy then only use 1 lb of hamburger. Or sometimes I'll only use 1 lb of hamburger and add more beans. This is great to freeze in individual servings for lunches at work. And it's a yummy mushy too!!
I had lots of good ideas for blog posts this week, one of them with lots of pictures for Sandy Lee's picture-post challenge. Alas, it will have to wait. Hubby started back to school and started back to work all in the same 24 hours. And my son is finally growing, that's the good news. The bad news is his bones are growing faster than his ligaments. So when the bone in his foot grew, the ligament wasn't as fast and the ligament broke a piece of bone off his foot. It's very painful and he's miserable. No karate for 3 weeks. No jumping, no running, no kicking. It's been one day and he's already driving me crazy! I'll get the picture post up, just don't throw tomatoes :)
Tonight I'm getting Chili ready for the crock pot tomorrow. Actually, I'm putting all together in the crock and putting it in the fridge for hubby to put in the pot tomorrow. I have never done it the night before so hopefully it will turn out ok. And since I have the recipe handy I thought I'd share it with all my sisters here.
Mom's Chili
2 lbs lean ground beef, cooked & drained
3 cans kidney beans (I like to use 3 different kinds of beans)
3 small cans tomato sauce
3 reg cans stewed tomatoes (regular stewed tomatoes, the kind with celery, peppers, and onion)
1 small onion, chopped
1 tsp dry mustard (it has to be dry mustard)
2 or 3 beef bullion cubes
garlic salt or powder - couple sprinkles
1 glug worcestershire sauce
1 glug apple cider vinegar
3 tsp chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp pepper
1 tsp salt
little bit of brown sugar (I just get a small handful out of the canister)
Crock Pot: Combine everything together in a large crock pot (I have an oval one) and cook for about 6 hours on high.
Stove Top: Combine everything in a large stock pot. Bring to a boil. Simmer for 2 hours. It's much better in the crock pot but I have done it this way in a pinch.
This is thick chili, so if want it more saucy then only use 1 lb of hamburger. Or sometimes I'll only use 1 lb of hamburger and add more beans. This is great to freeze in individual servings for lunches at work. And it's a yummy mushy too!!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Random Thoughts, Why's, and Observations
I haven't posted for a few days so I thought I'd do a quick (is that even possible for me?) recap of the week. I'm going to use bullets so hopefully that will keep me from blabbering.
- That fill of .5cc I had last week? It's gone. I had an unfill yesterday. I only wanted about 1/2 of it taken out but the nurse took the whole damn thing. I'm not happy about it. I wasn't having night reflux or throwing up but I was getting stuck after 3 bites of anything, was having a hard time getting all my water to go down, and I noticed the past few days I was looking for slider foods to avoid the stuck. I feel much better now, but worried that I won't have good restriction when the swelling goes down. big sigh.
- My scales landed right back where they were last Friday, 287.2, so no loss this week. Not a big mystery why...I only exercised one day this week, the day I did 3.5 miles at the gym. And every meal except breakfast for the past week was an eat-out meal. I hate cooking when it's hot outside (ok, anytime really).…hate the smells, hate the left-overs tempting me, hate the grocery shopping and hate the mess & clean-up. Yes, I realize if I am going to really be successful at losing this weight then I need to at least get used to cooking at home.
- A few days ago the home page of Ro@m@n's was sporting GOLD METALLIC leggings. Seriously…do these look flattering on anybody?!? It's one of those things where you shake your head, blink a few times and try to make the image go away. And all you can do is ask WHY? The only place I have seen anyone wearing anything like that is in People of Walmart emails. I just don't get it!!
- I bought the dress for dress-up night in Chicago. I can't wait to wear it!!
- I'm not sure if this is an NSV or a fluke, but I haven't had any allergies this year. None. Not even a sneeze. For as long as I can remember by mid July I would have itchy eyes, sneezing, throat itched and would get a 3-mth sinus infection. I was miserable until we had a good hard freeze generally toward the middle or end of October. It was just SOP that I would be getting at least 2 kenelog shots, along with the osteoporosis scare that goes along with them. This year…I haven't even had to take a Claritin. I drive by the grain and potato fields every day so I know all the allergy crap is out there. But now, I roll down my windows when I drive by. The only thing that has changed is the 40 pounds I've lost. I'm not counting it out yet, but I'm gong to enjoy it while the allergies are gone.
- I'm leaving work today at noon. We're going to Jellystone (that's Yellowstone for you yung-uns that don't know Yogi bear). It's our first camping trip in our new camp trailer…it's not new, but new to us….we've never had a trailer before so I am so stoked!! And it's the first camping trip for our dog. She's 8 yrs old but she still thinks she's a puppy and she is going to love the lake!
- Inquiring minds want to know....will Drazil's real name be revealed in Chicago? Is she in the witness protection program? CIA? Does she even know her real name? Does Rambo call her Drazil? I've often wondered about this. In my head I see her as a Nikki. Should we all take a guess as to what her real name is and the winner will get a prize? Of course that means she would have to be willing to reveal her real name, and maybe it's more fun just knowing her as Drazil. Yup, I really need to get a life! LOL
- This one is for the BOOB's planners. Would it be possible to find out what sizes those that are participating in the swap need and/or want? I have a lot of clothes, but mostly in 28/26 sizes and I think most of us are in smaller sizes than that. It would be helpful if I knew that someone could use those clothes, otherwise I would like to send them to someone not going to Chicagoor give them to our local shelter.
Monday, August 16, 2010
I did it! I really did it!
Until today I have been consistently walking 2.5 miles on the treadmill, 2-3 times a week, and being exhausted when I was done. But this week I decided I was going to push myself to 3 full miles. Today, on the treadmill at the gym, I walked and walked and walked some more. I just kept going. And I finally made it 3.1 miles, a full 5K....and I did it in 52 minutes. Ok, so the time isn't that great, but the fact that I lasted that long is a miracle in itself.
Then, when I passed the 3.1 mile mark....I kept going. Oh yes I did!! I walked for a full hour for a total of 3.56 miles.
I did a 5 minute warm up at 3.5 mph, then did 1 minute at 4 mph, then alternated between 4 minutes at 3.5 mph and 1 minute at 4 mph. The last 5 minutes I walked 2.5 minutes at 3.5 mph then 2.5 minutes at 3 mph. When I was doing 4 mph my heart rate was 128-129. I will be 40 in October, I weigh 287 pounds. So I think I did pretty good :)
I'm going to try to go back tomorrow and do the same thing. We'll see how sore I am in the morning.
Have a Terrific Tuesday everybody!!!
Then, when I passed the 3.1 mile mark....I kept going. Oh yes I did!! I walked for a full hour for a total of 3.56 miles.
I did a 5 minute warm up at 3.5 mph, then did 1 minute at 4 mph, then alternated between 4 minutes at 3.5 mph and 1 minute at 4 mph. The last 5 minutes I walked 2.5 minutes at 3.5 mph then 2.5 minutes at 3 mph. When I was doing 4 mph my heart rate was 128-129. I will be 40 in October, I weigh 287 pounds. So I think I did pretty good :)
I'm going to try to go back tomorrow and do the same thing. We'll see how sore I am in the morning.
Have a Terrific Tuesday everybody!!!
Friday, August 13, 2010
BYOC
1. Do you remember your last dream?
*Yes - I had the same dream about my mom again. I am at a train station and I see what I think is my mom in the crowd ahead of me, but I know she died a long time ago. Then, she turns and I see her and I know it's her and I call out to her. She turns and looks at me and I know she sees me. Then she turns and runs to jump on the train. I run after her, calling for her. I am running to catch up with the train and I see her in the window looking at me, but never calling back to me. It's like she never died but was hiding from us all this time. I hate that damn dream!
2. Which is your favorite body part of the human body and why?
* On a man, my favorite body part is his arms. I don't like big muscle-busting body builder arms. That's just not attractive to me. And I never thought about arms before I met my husband. But I truly love his arms. He doesn't have obvious huge biceps, but you can definitely tell they are there. And when he puts his arms around me and I feel the strength and the safety in his arms I know there is nowhere else on earth I could ever feel that way. I love holding his arm when we are dressed up, my hand above the bend of his elbow. He tells me I'm his arm candy, and I like that.
On a woman, I like her hair. Is that a body part? I always notice a woman's hair. I have a hard time getting my straight, fine hair to do anything presentable. So, I am always impressed with women that have great hairstyles.
3. Tell me about your first kiss...
* It was the summer before I turned 14, my family had just moved to a new state. I didn't even really have friends where we lived before, so a boy that wanted to talk to me was like the twilight zone. His was 16. He had the bluest eyes I've ever seen, was very tall, broad shoulders, and he shaved, in my eyes he was a *real* man. And my dad hated him, which made him even more attractive. Every time I was around him I felt like I was going to throw up, my ears would get hot, and I couldn't form complete sentences. I was so twitterpated. We talked almost every day when I would take our dog for a walk. He would wait for me in his yard. One day I was riding my bike and he stopped me and asked me if I had ever been kissed before. I lied. Then he told me that he wanted to kiss me. It was awkward and I didn't even know what I was doing. We dated for 2 years then broke up. We stayed friends and kept in touch until I was about 22, then we just kind of fell away from each other. My sister saw him a couple weeks ago, turns out he lives on the other side of the pasture from my best friend in high school. He asked about me. My sister told him I was married, and he said to tell me hi. awww memories...
4. How big is your bed?
* We have a regular full sized bed. We cuddle most of the night so it works for us. I like being able to reach out my arm during the night and be able to touch him and know he's there.
5. Repeat question....whose blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?
* I really have to say Kerri's answers about herself when she accepted her Versatile Blogger award. Specifically what she had to say about her son. I know what she is going through, I have been there, and my heart goes out to her. It took a lot of courage for her to put that out there, she is a very strong woman! I can't wait to meet her in Chicago and give her a hug!
*Yes - I had the same dream about my mom again. I am at a train station and I see what I think is my mom in the crowd ahead of me, but I know she died a long time ago. Then, she turns and I see her and I know it's her and I call out to her. She turns and looks at me and I know she sees me. Then she turns and runs to jump on the train. I run after her, calling for her. I am running to catch up with the train and I see her in the window looking at me, but never calling back to me. It's like she never died but was hiding from us all this time. I hate that damn dream!
2. Which is your favorite body part of the human body and why?
* On a man, my favorite body part is his arms. I don't like big muscle-busting body builder arms. That's just not attractive to me. And I never thought about arms before I met my husband. But I truly love his arms. He doesn't have obvious huge biceps, but you can definitely tell they are there. And when he puts his arms around me and I feel the strength and the safety in his arms I know there is nowhere else on earth I could ever feel that way. I love holding his arm when we are dressed up, my hand above the bend of his elbow. He tells me I'm his arm candy, and I like that.
On a woman, I like her hair. Is that a body part? I always notice a woman's hair. I have a hard time getting my straight, fine hair to do anything presentable. So, I am always impressed with women that have great hairstyles.
3. Tell me about your first kiss...
* It was the summer before I turned 14, my family had just moved to a new state. I didn't even really have friends where we lived before, so a boy that wanted to talk to me was like the twilight zone. His was 16. He had the bluest eyes I've ever seen, was very tall, broad shoulders, and he shaved, in my eyes he was a *real* man. And my dad hated him, which made him even more attractive. Every time I was around him I felt like I was going to throw up, my ears would get hot, and I couldn't form complete sentences. I was so twitterpated. We talked almost every day when I would take our dog for a walk. He would wait for me in his yard. One day I was riding my bike and he stopped me and asked me if I had ever been kissed before. I lied. Then he told me that he wanted to kiss me. It was awkward and I didn't even know what I was doing. We dated for 2 years then broke up. We stayed friends and kept in touch until I was about 22, then we just kind of fell away from each other. My sister saw him a couple weeks ago, turns out he lives on the other side of the pasture from my best friend in high school. He asked about me. My sister told him I was married, and he said to tell me hi. awww memories...
4. How big is your bed?
* We have a regular full sized bed. We cuddle most of the night so it works for us. I like being able to reach out my arm during the night and be able to touch him and know he's there.
5. Repeat question....whose blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?
* I really have to say Kerri's answers about herself when she accepted her Versatile Blogger award. Specifically what she had to say about her son. I know what she is going through, I have been there, and my heart goes out to her. It took a lot of courage for her to put that out there, she is a very strong woman! I can't wait to meet her in Chicago and give her a hug!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
When 4 becomes 10....a real honest-to-goodness band post
I had a fill today. It was very interesting. Not interesting like how does a kid get a matchbox car up his nose. But interesting like why the hell wasn't I told THAT!
I have had 3 fills, the first was 2 cc's, the second was 1 cc, the third was .5 cc. So, doing the math that would be 3.5 cc's. I wanted another .5 cc so that would give me 4 cc in my 14 cc band. Remember this...it will be important....and there will be a quiz.
Let me start at the beginning since I don't think I've ever really brought you along on a fill appointment before. I always weigh in first. Their scales are always about 3 pounds off from mine, but then I weigh in the morning at home and I'm always at the clinic in the afternoon. The scales said the exact same as they did 2 weeks ago, 291. No big surprise there. Two weeks ago I told the nurse I didn't want a fill. I felt pretty good, was staying full for 4 hours on about 1 1/2 cups of food and didn't feel that I needed a fill. About 3 days later I started losing restriction. The past week or so I've been eating a full plate of food and wanting seconds. I didn't eat seconds but I really wanted to. Oh...I did too eat seconds 1 time when we had a luncheon at work and I had 2 bowls of apple crisp with ice cream. It was damn good too!! And I've been hungry about 2 hours after eating. A fill was definitely in order.
To get a fill I have to talk to the exercise physiologist and the nutritionist. And they both have to agree to the fill. The exercise guy is way gung ho about weight training, not so much for cardio. I've been walking, not weight training. So he wasn't too happy about that. Weight training is still really hard for me to get in and out of the circuit machines but I told him I'd work on it.
Then the dietitian comes in the room next. She's new. I feel a little awkward telling her what I'm eating and how I'm doing. Didn't get a good 'vibe' from her. But she agreed to a fill so I can't complain too much.
The nurse comes in. She's new too! I had just gotten used to everyone that was there before and now the 2 people I liked the most are gone. Not feeling the love at that point.
So the nurse is looking at my chart and asks when I had surgery. Then asks me some dumb questions that are already in my chart, I don't have time for small talk, I need to get the fill and get back to work. Yea, I was getting a little testy by then. She did the fill, didn't seem to have as much difficulty finding my port as the other nurse, so that really impressed me. Then she's handing me the water to drink and she says......
wait for it.........
'That gives you 10'
Me: 10 what?
Nurse: 10 cc's of fluid in your band
Me: (thinking...What the fuck!) saying....ummm you said you were only going to give me .5 cc's (and I'm starting to freak out a little).
Nurse: I did give you .5 cc's. I drew out 9.5 cc's and added another .5 for a total of 10.
I guess I must have had that deer in the headlights look on my face because she showed me my chart. And there it was. At my first fill appointment I already had 2 cc's in my band, that the surgeon must have put in at the time of my surgery. My first fill was.....get this....6 mother effing cc's!! The pain I had in my shoulder I had for a week after my first fill and the ache in my neck and throat makes a little more sense now. After that 1st fill I asked the nurse how much I had and she told me 2 cc's. Obviously she meant before the fill, not after. I took it to mean 2 cc's after the fill.
So...I have 10 cc's in my 14 cc band. I am 3 months and 1 week out from surgery. I am a little freaked out. Does this make me a higher risk for erosion? Slipping? I feel like this is a lot of fluid so soon and there isn't a lot of room left for future fills in the next year. I'm close to the sweet spot, I had it for a couple weeks and then lost it. So what happens if I get to 12 or 13 cc's and lose it again? Where do I go from there? I was really feeling good that I haven't had a BP experience or thrown up anything. I attributed that to only having 3.5 cc's of fluid in my band. Now that I know I have 10, what does that mean? Do I really not have the restriction I thought I did? Am I just a really good chewer?
So how many cc's did you have at 3 months? How many cc's did you have at your first good restriction?
In other news.....I found a black dress for BOOB's that I really like, it's classy, sophisticated, not clingy, perfect. But it's spendy. I don't know if I can justify the cost for a dress that I will likely only wear one time. If I thought it would still fit in December for the Army Ball I'd buy it in a heartbeat. On the other hand, I found a sassy blouse in a dark plum color that would be very cute with the black pants Carmen sent me. The blouse is a fourth the cost of the dress, not as dressy but would be acceptable. Decisions, decisions. Is anyone else going to wear dress pants? Or would pants be under-dressed? The fun, flirty side of me wants you all to tell me to get the dress. The practical, penny pincher says the blouse. What do you think....the dress or pants?
I've got some blogs to catch up on so I'm closing for now. Catch ya all later :)
I have had 3 fills, the first was 2 cc's, the second was 1 cc, the third was .5 cc. So, doing the math that would be 3.5 cc's. I wanted another .5 cc so that would give me 4 cc in my 14 cc band. Remember this...it will be important....and there will be a quiz.
Let me start at the beginning since I don't think I've ever really brought you along on a fill appointment before. I always weigh in first. Their scales are always about 3 pounds off from mine, but then I weigh in the morning at home and I'm always at the clinic in the afternoon. The scales said the exact same as they did 2 weeks ago, 291. No big surprise there. Two weeks ago I told the nurse I didn't want a fill. I felt pretty good, was staying full for 4 hours on about 1 1/2 cups of food and didn't feel that I needed a fill. About 3 days later I started losing restriction. The past week or so I've been eating a full plate of food and wanting seconds. I didn't eat seconds but I really wanted to. Oh...I did too eat seconds 1 time when we had a luncheon at work and I had 2 bowls of apple crisp with ice cream. It was damn good too!! And I've been hungry about 2 hours after eating. A fill was definitely in order.
To get a fill I have to talk to the exercise physiologist and the nutritionist. And they both have to agree to the fill. The exercise guy is way gung ho about weight training, not so much for cardio. I've been walking, not weight training. So he wasn't too happy about that. Weight training is still really hard for me to get in and out of the circuit machines but I told him I'd work on it.
Then the dietitian comes in the room next. She's new. I feel a little awkward telling her what I'm eating and how I'm doing. Didn't get a good 'vibe' from her. But she agreed to a fill so I can't complain too much.
The nurse comes in. She's new too! I had just gotten used to everyone that was there before and now the 2 people I liked the most are gone. Not feeling the love at that point.
So the nurse is looking at my chart and asks when I had surgery. Then asks me some dumb questions that are already in my chart, I don't have time for small talk, I need to get the fill and get back to work. Yea, I was getting a little testy by then. She did the fill, didn't seem to have as much difficulty finding my port as the other nurse, so that really impressed me. Then she's handing me the water to drink and she says......
wait for it.........
'That gives you 10'
Me: 10 what?
Nurse: 10 cc's of fluid in your band
Me: (thinking...What the fuck!) saying....ummm you said you were only going to give me .5 cc's (and I'm starting to freak out a little).
Nurse: I did give you .5 cc's. I drew out 9.5 cc's and added another .5 for a total of 10.
I guess I must have had that deer in the headlights look on my face because she showed me my chart. And there it was. At my first fill appointment I already had 2 cc's in my band, that the surgeon must have put in at the time of my surgery. My first fill was.....get this....6 mother effing cc's!! The pain I had in my shoulder I had for a week after my first fill and the ache in my neck and throat makes a little more sense now. After that 1st fill I asked the nurse how much I had and she told me 2 cc's. Obviously she meant before the fill, not after. I took it to mean 2 cc's after the fill.
So...I have 10 cc's in my 14 cc band. I am 3 months and 1 week out from surgery. I am a little freaked out. Does this make me a higher risk for erosion? Slipping? I feel like this is a lot of fluid so soon and there isn't a lot of room left for future fills in the next year. I'm close to the sweet spot, I had it for a couple weeks and then lost it. So what happens if I get to 12 or 13 cc's and lose it again? Where do I go from there? I was really feeling good that I haven't had a BP experience or thrown up anything. I attributed that to only having 3.5 cc's of fluid in my band. Now that I know I have 10, what does that mean? Do I really not have the restriction I thought I did? Am I just a really good chewer?
So how many cc's did you have at 3 months? How many cc's did you have at your first good restriction?
In other news.....I found a black dress for BOOB's that I really like, it's classy, sophisticated, not clingy, perfect. But it's spendy. I don't know if I can justify the cost for a dress that I will likely only wear one time. If I thought it would still fit in December for the Army Ball I'd buy it in a heartbeat. On the other hand, I found a sassy blouse in a dark plum color that would be very cute with the black pants Carmen sent me. The blouse is a fourth the cost of the dress, not as dressy but would be acceptable. Decisions, decisions. Is anyone else going to wear dress pants? Or would pants be under-dressed? The fun, flirty side of me wants you all to tell me to get the dress. The practical, penny pincher says the blouse. What do you think....the dress or pants?
I've got some blogs to catch up on so I'm closing for now. Catch ya all later :)
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