At what point does a plateau become self-sabotage? I would say month six is a pretty good slap in the face, no?
I have my own confession to make. I have been avoiding blogger. Avoiding reading and avoiding posting. This week I avoided the gym. I also avoided water. What I didn't avoid was ice cream and chips - and I ate seconds last night at dinner - FML!
So here's the deal. I have been in the 260's since November 12th. Yup, over 6 freaking months! Let's do a short re-cap, shall we? We shall.
April 23rd - 327 pounds - started pre-op diet (I use this as my starting weight)
May 5th - 315 - 12 lbs loss - surgery day
June 4th - 302 - loss 13 lbs
July 2nd - 297 - loss 5 lbs
Aug 6th - 293 - loss 4 lbs
Sep 3rd - 285 - loss 8 lbs
Oct 1st - 277 - loss 8 lbs
Nov 5th - 274 - loss 3 lbs
Dec 3rd - 269 - loss 5 lbs
Jan 7th - 270 - gain 1 lb
Feb 4th - 270 - loss 0
Mar 4th - 266 - loss 4 lbs
Apr 1st - 265 - loss 1 lb
May 1st - 264 - loss 1 lb
Did you notice that I really haven't lost crap since January? And my weight loss dramatically slowed down in November? W.T.F.?
From November to January I really just tried to maintain with it being the holidays and all. On January 23rd I started personal training and I knew the scales would stall for about 6 wks. Sure enough it did. Then I lost that 4 pounds in about 1 1/2 wks at the end of March. April and May sucked big green donkey dicks. What the hell is wrong with me?
I am good to track my food until I get home then you could call me Hoover. My mouth turns into a black hole sucking up everything and anything I can get my hands on. Several times I have thrown away almost empty bags of cookies and chips as I would come up for air and have a brief moment of sanity between handfuls of shoving crap in my mouth. This is not me. I do not want this to be me.
Something is bothering me and I need to get it out. I don't know if it will help but hell, at this point it can't hurt.
I had a goal to be in the 250's for Christmas. Then I wanted it by Valentines, by Easter, and then it was Mother's Day. I get so close. Friday I saw 260.2. I was within a fart of seeing 259.9. I felt so defeated. Instead of being excited that I was so close I was pissed that I was that far way. Still that far way. This week I have completely killed any chance of seeing 259 tomorrow, official weigh-in day. Yesterday morning the scale showed 265. I haven't been getting enough water. I've been eating chips almost everyday. And I had ice cream 3 days this week. Oh, and I haven't done anything for exercise.
For the past couple of months when I get on the scale I hear these words..
Be careful what you wish for.
I hear my mom saying these words to me. The words she told me in the last lucid conversation I had with her. My mom struggled with her weight all her life. When she got to 300 pounds she decided to do whatever she had to do to lose it. She went from 300 to 135 in a little over 1 1/2 years. She did a lot of unhealthy things to lose it, but she exercised and changed her diet too. She told me how she would give anything to just not be hungry all the time. She prayed to not be hungry, took pills, snapped elastics on her wrist, purged, and chased the latest diet fad. All to just lost weight and not be hungry.
Fast forward about 5 years, she has kept most of her weight off and even had a tummy tuck. But now she's laying in a hospital, dying. The tumor in her stomach prevented food from moving from her stomach to her intestines. She couldn't eat and she wasn't hungry. Her wish had come true. But at what cost? She told me in that last conversation that she would take all her weight back just to be able to see her daughter graduate from high school and to see her 8 year daughter go on her first date. She told me to be happy for what I had in life because wishing for more could take it all away. Be careful what you wish for.
I have wished for years to weigh 250. 250 has been my magic number. It is my hump. I have always felt that if I could get to the 250's then I would be closer to 200 than 300 and then I would really believe I could lose the rest - if I could just get to 250. But every time I get close I screw it up. Because I'm scared to wish for it. Because I'd rather be fat than laying in a hospital bed with my family watching me waste away. Is is fair for me to wish I weigh less at the risk of my boys not having a mother? Yes, I realize how screwed up that is to think that. But I can't help it. Be careful what you wish for.
I'm not sure how to handle this. When I realized I was repeating that phrase to myself constantly I immediately knew it wasn't healthy. But I don't know how to stop or how to get passed it. What I do know is that I can't get to 'healthy' both emotionally and physically until I figure it out. So I have to face this and deal with it. I just don't know how.
Okay, I don't know why but reading that was way harder than listening to you tell me on the phone. But I'm glad you wrote it out & I hope it helps you to get it out there. We both know I don't have any great advice for how to get past it (& that I have the same type of issue to figure out)... I wish I did, for both of us. Wait. Stop the press. I think I may have just had an idea. I will text you rather than write it here, lol. I'm so proud of you for sharing... now I guess I have to get my butt in gear and write my post. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeletei hope putting it into words will help you. don't give up! sorry i don't have any advice, but i do know how hard it can be to share things like that, so you should be proud of yourself!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this with us! I hope it helps you move past your stall.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you are having a hard time getting off the plateau. I am glad you were able to share this, maybe it will help you work through it knowing that you have your BOOBs to support you. I can't tell you how grateful I am that I was able to call you when I needed you and knowing that you have been having a hard time yourself while offering me band support makes it mean even more. You are the best. I love ya and I wish for this to get better.If there is anything I can do- well you know I'd do it! You can and you will get past this weight plateau... you will!!
ReplyDeletePlateaus suck. But just remember. We love you. And I miss seeing your posts. Don't be discouraged.
ReplyDeleteBig big hugs...this post must have been very hard to write, and you are so brave for doing so. I think I am having some of the same mental blocks...my father also had a stomach tumor which caused him to drop half of his body weight in a year, and I find it ironic that I am trying to the same thing in parallel. We spent so many years wishing he would lose weight...now we would give anything to have him back, at whatever weight.
ReplyDeleteOh Donut Butt, I really didn't want to cry today, but you make it well worth it...we will have to chat about this on our trip tomorrow ~Loves~
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're going through this. I feel like I have sabotaged myself too, we are all scared and all of us come with plenty of baggage, if we didn't, we wouldn't be here. The good news is you're not alone. My therapist told me that I needed to stop trying to shut the voice in my head up, and start trying to change the dialogue of that voice. Maybe you could try that. Don't focus on the number or what it holds for you, just think of yourself in a healthy, happy state, with no numbers in the equation, maybe that will help. good luck!
ReplyDeleteI can understand how you may subconciously be sabotaging yourself but everyone has regrets at the end of their life, and many people wish to change things... Getting more fit doesn't mean you have to give up other happinesses... Getting fit won't make you happy. Continue trying to find contentment on your way to being more fit and it's not a race. You will work at it harder when you are ready. And so will I... I hope.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what to say here, but I just wanted to let you know I read it and I'm sending big hugs. XOXO
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything thought provoking to say, but I know how you feel. My starting weight was 327 also. It's so frustrating to know that we have more than 100 pounds to lose. I'm kind of stuck in the same situation. It's a mental thing, not a physical one. I just know how you feel. That's all. :-/
ReplyDeleteYou can get past this. Thank you for sharing such a touching story. This was my first visit to your blog, but it won't be the last. However, you do make me crave frosting with sprinkles!!!
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