I wasn't going to blog. Because to do that I have to think and lately thinking makes me emotional, then I can't breath, and then I start thinking things that are not healthy to be thinking. Hell I already have tears running down my cheeks and I haven't even said anything interesting yet. FML!!
I guess I decided to blog today when I decided to check in and Read's blog was at the top of the list in my dashboard. I love Read!! She speaks my thoughts and makes me laugh...we have way more in common than I dare admit. As I was reading her blog and she was talking about being upset as she was leaving the marriage counselor and how she didn't want to go home after visiting her friend in Colorado I realized that maybe I wasn't so alone after all. Yes, I have supportive friends and I have my sister that I love dearly. And support is good. But knowing someone out there is feeling the same thing...well that is priceless. So I just wanted to say THANK YOU READ. You are an amazing woman!!
The most positive thing to happen this summer was a few weeks ago when I spent 4 incredible days in Washington with Ms. M and her family. And I got to see Jen Steele a couple of times too. It was perfect, even getting food poisoning wasn't so bad. I needed that vacation more than anything! That trip was my saving grace. I felt loved and safe and accepted. Something I don't feel at home anymore. I really didn't want to come home. And when I got home it was almost worse then when I left because feeling good again, feeling like there was a world away from this fucked up shit, where I actually looked forward to the day was something I haven't felt in a long time. Coming back was hard, really hard.
Since then I have been hiding.....literally avoiding people and not wanting to talk. Not answering texts or voice mails. I haven't been there for friends that I know needed me, because I can barely deal with my own life right now. I am angry and bitter with a shitty attitude. I don't have a whole lot of anything nice to say so I'm not saying anything. I am sorry....I am a horrible friend. I can't answer the phone because the first thing someone says is "How are you doing? How are things going? " So then I have to talk about "it" and then I cry...and then I can't stop crying. I know they (and those of you from here too) mean well, and are just trying to show they care. I do. But I am exhausted from crying, my pillowcase is crunchy from crying myself to sleep. I could say I just don't want to talk about it but I don't want to be rude. So I just don't answer the phone. I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying and lying to my son about the reason I'm crying. He's not stupid, he knows I'm lying, but we pretend that everything is ok.
So I have been avoiding people. Not blogging, not reading blogs, not answering phone calls or texts, not answering my door, and not wanting to go anywhere but work, and only because I have to go there. The only thing I have been doing a lot of is eating ice cream and Doritos because we all know what stress does to our bands. Yup....I'm tighter than a virgin on prom night. Consequently I'm not losing weight. Not really gaining either. Just in limbo. And honestly, I don't give a shit either way. I have no ambition to try to lose any weight right now or exercise. And if I gained a few pounds I can't say as it would bother me either. The one thing I am doing in abundance is smoking like a chimney and eating Xanax like M&Ms. I mean...if I can't eat and and I can't fix my marriage, and I can't bring myself to talk about it then the only thing left is self medication. Comfortably numb is a viable coping mechanism. Don't judge.
In an effort to keep busy and keep my mind off things I have been fixing up my home a little. I have decorated my kitchen, bought a new comforter, cleaned out closets, re-arranged furniture, brought home a new kitten, and bought a fountain for the dogs and cats to drink out of in my kitchen.
What the fuck am I thinking?
I know I can't keep my house...I'm sure the bank is going to appreciate the new chandelier in the entry way. How I'm going to keep my pets is a mystery to me and something I am choosing not to deal with right now. Hanging new things on my walls? What? Like I'm going to be able to enjoy it? Oh yea....that's right....I'm living in Denial. It's good here.
Wade came back from AT a week after I got home from Washington. He moved out of our bedroom and into a spare room upstairs. I asked him to move out of the bedroom. It was just too hard to lay next to him knowing he doesn't want me as his wife. If his foot accidentally touched mine it ripped me to shreds. And me laying there shaking and crying never phased him. So he lives upstairs and I live downstairs. He is actively searching for sex partners. He doesn't talk to me unless absolutely necessary. He wants to move out as soon as he can. He told his family that he is leaving me because his son and I don't get along. His sisters put on FB that their prayers have been answered, that God is great and rewards the righteous. They also said they are happy for his son. They are dancing on my grave. Fuck them! And fuck him too!
I have been so confused. He insists he wants to leave as soon as we can get a few bills paid off, but then he misses a credit card payment so he can buy a membership to Adult Friend Finder and he's $87 overdrawn in his bank account, all cash ATM transactions so I have no idea what the hell he is doing with the money...I could make a guess and I would probably be right but it's so much nicer over here in Denial. He shampooed my bedroom carpet after he moved out of the bedroom and went to the store at 9:00 last night to buy me ice cream, and he's downstairs right now putting together a bookcase for me so he can have the dresser. He still shows up for counseling. Yet he insists the marriage is beyond fixing. He wanted to give me a hug last night when he brought me ice cream. The counselor asked him today why he was doing nice things if he was so adamant about getting divorced. His answer? He's trying to get laid. I informed him there wasn't a chance in hell. Yet he came home and started putting together the bookcase. I don't get it! I just don't get it!!
I never knew it was possible to love someone that you hate so much.
Yes, I have been though divorce before. A few of them. But I was always the divorcer, never the divorcee. I am not in control of this situation. There isn't a check-list for this. I did not plan for months, putting money away, letting go of my feelings, preparing for every possible situation. Maybe this is just Karma giving me what I deserve. It's not like I've been a saint all my life.
This weekend is my family's annual Huckleberry picking camp-out. My dad called me a few days ago and told me that he knows I'm going through a really hard time right now but he knows I'll get though it. My father and I have never been much more than polite to each other. And I certainly have not told him anything about my current personal life. Obviously someone else did....my brother I'm sure. It wasn't his place. My personal life is really none of my father's business and I feel betrayed that my brother did that. So now I don't want to go. I don't want to talk about 'it'. I don't want to be exposed, grilled, interrogated for details of why I can't keep a marriage together. I committed to the camp-out for Saturday - I'm taking the potato salad. Clumsy was smart and said she wasn't going before the pot-luck assignments were handed out. She's the smart one.
Bottom line - I really don't want to be the responsible one anymore. I don't want to figure out when his budget will be solvent enough for him to leave, which is what he thinks I'm doing right now. I don't want to have to figure out how to cover his fucking overdraft. I don't want to have to fight for my sanity, for my house, or my marriage. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to figure it all out. I want to leave too. Just get in my car with my son and the dog and drive. Fuck the house. Fuck Wade. Fuck my job. Fuck it all. I just want out!
So here's the thing...I swear to God if anyone leaves me a comment that says anything like you are so strong you can make it through this or that I've done this before and after 4 it should be getting easier then I'm going to puke. Bitter, Shitty Attitude, Angry....remember? At some point we all have our breaking point. I believe that man has found mine.
