Things have been a little better the past couple of days with my husband and me. We had a long talk and he admitted there were some things that he could work on to make things better. And he has done much better. He has disciplined his son twice and he has supported me when I have told his son to pick up clothes and take a bath. He told me he doesn't want a divorce anymore and wants to work on our marriage. We have another counseling appointment Monday and I'm really looking forward to it.
Tuesday we are going to his grandmother's funeral in the town where his family lives, 3 hours away. When my husband's father called him to tell him he actually asked my husband if I would be coming. I'm pretty sure he didn't call my husband's sisters and ask them if their husbands would be coming...sheesh! My husband is a pall bearer so I will be on my own for most of the funeral. And his father told him he wants to talk to my husband ALONE...and my husband agreed to it. Nothing like six hours in a car on slick roads, family that would rather it be my funeral, and all the emotions that go along with a funeral to set off a fire storm of anxiety attacks and cold sores. Incidentally, his grandmother was 94 and had Alzheimer's for the better part of the past 10 years. It is always sad whenever a family member passes but in this case it was not unexpected and she is finally with her husband again...she is at peace.
This afternoon when I got home from work my husband told me he needed to talk to me about something. A few days before Christmas he received a call his from his 1st Sergeant. There is a new list and he's on it. The list is a made up of soldiers selected for deployment. The whole unit won't be going at once so he won't have the support of his guys...they are parting the unit out to other units across the country. So not fair!! The 'D' word. Deployment. This will by his 3rd. And deployments are for a whole year. It looks like he will be leaving in November. But this is the military we're talking about so it could be anytime from this summer to Spring 2011. I need to be able to plan and make lists and not knowing makes that almost impossible. Things are going to change....in a big way. Looks like next year we could be doing Christmas in October. If I thought my world was turned upside down over the past month then I was kidding myself. THIS turns my world upside down. 'Deployment' is the one word I fear as much as 'cancer'. It changes families, it changes lives, and you're never the same again. This scares the shit out of me!!
Enough crying today....it's time to party!!
We're off to my sister's to eat, drink and be merry. Everyone have a safe and happy new year!!
XOXO
Friday, December 31, 2010
BYOC
I'm doing BYOC today. But first I want to say a few things....
THANK YOU
to everyone who left me the best comments and emailed me and texted me after my last post. I've been in such a haze that a couple of time I thought I had texted someone back but then the next day I realized I didn't. So if I didn't text you back it's not because I'm ignoring you. I'll get my act together, I promise. But seriously, I am so blessed to have so much support and so much friendship. I am touched beyond words. I love you all!!!
Things are getting better. He dropped a brick wall on me today but I'm going to do a different post for that....cause LIVE FROM THE FROZEN DESERT IT'S B Y O C!! I always wanted to do that.
1. Do you make a New Year’s resolution list every year? Do you meet those resolutions, forget about them or never meet them?
* I try not to make a list of resolutions. I try to pick one major thing that I want to change in my life over the next year and I really try to focus my attention on that and what it takes to be successful. A few years ago I wanted to quit smoking, and I did. Last year my focus was on Lap Band surgery and being focused on what I needed to do to be successful and I think I have done that, I still have a long way to go, but for the year I think I did very well. For 2011 my focus is going to be my home. I have plans for the inside and outside and I know how I want it to look at this time next year. My focus will be a project each week to get our home to where I want it to be by this time next year.
2. If you could delete all the songs from existence from a certain singer, who would it be?
* Bob Dylan...his whiney nasaley voice really grates on my nerves. And really...if I can't understand the words to a song then there is no point in listening to it.
3. If you could have sex with any Superhero – who would it be?
* This is a hard one. I've never been interested in cartoons or superheros so I'm not sure what my options are. Draz said Superman and I like her reasons so I'm going to steal her idea. And I like the idea of a 'super' man that could go all night long ;)
4. If it was free AND unlimited – would you choose to have a cook, chauffeur, or masseuse?
* You had me at cook. I HATE to cook and I'm not very good at it. I burn everything. And I hate it when the kids ask 'What's for dinner?' I make a dinner menu for a month at a time (OCD much??) and hang it on the fridge. I try to make sure we don't have to eat the same meat two nights in a row and we get a least one day of fish, chicken, pork and beef each week. It's a chore!! And God forbid the menu runs out before I get another one on the fridge. In October I didn't get a menu done and we ate out every night for two weeks because nobody knew what to have for dinner. We were like deer staring at headlights standing in the kitchen looking at each other thinking the same thing....we're going to starve because mom didn't make a menu and we are incapable of finding something to make on our own. And I hate it!! Yes, I would love to have a cook so that I wouldn't have to coordinate meals.
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week – in real life and blogland.
• Blogland has been super supportive and a blessing. I love my BOOBs!!
Real life has not been so great. See my previous post. But tonight is going to be much better. The step-son is going home for the night and we don't have to pick him again until tomorrow at 6...for a whole day...then back to his mom again. This has to be the most screwed up visitation schedule on earth. We are going to my sister's house this afternoon and having a family sleep-over. We're going to wear our jammies all day, each Chinese, watch movies, let off fireworks at midnight and drink Pina Coladas. And in the morning my brother in law is making biscuits and gravy. I cannot wait!!
Work is good...I love the end of the year...reconciling accounts, making new files, running W2's...it's super busy and I love it like that.
Have a Happy New Year!!!
THANK YOU
to everyone who left me the best comments and emailed me and texted me after my last post. I've been in such a haze that a couple of time I thought I had texted someone back but then the next day I realized I didn't. So if I didn't text you back it's not because I'm ignoring you. I'll get my act together, I promise. But seriously, I am so blessed to have so much support and so much friendship. I am touched beyond words. I love you all!!!
Things are getting better. He dropped a brick wall on me today but I'm going to do a different post for that....cause LIVE FROM THE FROZEN DESERT IT'S B Y O C!! I always wanted to do that.
1. Do you make a New Year’s resolution list every year? Do you meet those resolutions, forget about them or never meet them?
* I try not to make a list of resolutions. I try to pick one major thing that I want to change in my life over the next year and I really try to focus my attention on that and what it takes to be successful. A few years ago I wanted to quit smoking, and I did. Last year my focus was on Lap Band surgery and being focused on what I needed to do to be successful and I think I have done that, I still have a long way to go, but for the year I think I did very well. For 2011 my focus is going to be my home. I have plans for the inside and outside and I know how I want it to look at this time next year. My focus will be a project each week to get our home to where I want it to be by this time next year.
2. If you could delete all the songs from existence from a certain singer, who would it be?
* Bob Dylan...his whiney nasaley voice really grates on my nerves. And really...if I can't understand the words to a song then there is no point in listening to it.
3. If you could have sex with any Superhero – who would it be?
* This is a hard one. I've never been interested in cartoons or superheros so I'm not sure what my options are. Draz said Superman and I like her reasons so I'm going to steal her idea. And I like the idea of a 'super' man that could go all night long ;)
4. If it was free AND unlimited – would you choose to have a cook, chauffeur, or masseuse?
* You had me at cook. I HATE to cook and I'm not very good at it. I burn everything. And I hate it when the kids ask 'What's for dinner?' I make a dinner menu for a month at a time (OCD much??) and hang it on the fridge. I try to make sure we don't have to eat the same meat two nights in a row and we get a least one day of fish, chicken, pork and beef each week. It's a chore!! And God forbid the menu runs out before I get another one on the fridge. In October I didn't get a menu done and we ate out every night for two weeks because nobody knew what to have for dinner. We were like deer staring at headlights standing in the kitchen looking at each other thinking the same thing....we're going to starve because mom didn't make a menu and we are incapable of finding something to make on our own. And I hate it!! Yes, I would love to have a cook so that I wouldn't have to coordinate meals.
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week – in real life and blogland.
• Blogland has been super supportive and a blessing. I love my BOOBs!!
Real life has not been so great. See my previous post. But tonight is going to be much better. The step-son is going home for the night and we don't have to pick him again until tomorrow at 6...for a whole day...then back to his mom again. This has to be the most screwed up visitation schedule on earth. We are going to my sister's house this afternoon and having a family sleep-over. We're going to wear our jammies all day, each Chinese, watch movies, let off fireworks at midnight and drink Pina Coladas. And in the morning my brother in law is making biscuits and gravy. I cannot wait!!
Work is good...I love the end of the year...reconciling accounts, making new files, running W2's...it's super busy and I love it like that.
Have a Happy New Year!!!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wake me up when the nightmare is over
The holidays are over, finally! Well, almost. There is still New Year's Eve and New Year's Day to get through but that shouldn't be a biggy...just going to sleep over at my sister's house, eat Chinese, drink, and pretend to be merry. Thank you everyone for the Christmas cards and emails. I didn't send cards this year, in fact I haven't done cards for at least the last 5 years. So it's not personal that you didn't get one from me cause nobody did. Yup, I'm a Scrooge!
From the day before Thanksgiving to the day after Christmas I lost a grand total of .2 pounds. No that is not 2 pounds...look closely...there is a period in front of the two. Yup, 2 tenths of a pound. Considering I was bouncing between losing 2 pounds and gaining 5 I don't think I did too bad. At least I didn't gain. And with all the shit going on right now I could have easily gained 10 pounds overnight just from stress-eating. Thank you LapBand! I don't have my ticker updated yet...I can't remember my password so I might have to start a new one.
After my last post I did some deep thinking and realized that Christmas wasn't just about me but the kids. It wasn't about my past or my pity party. It was about giving my kids a tradition to pass on to their kids. It's about the birth of Christ. And my mom....well, I tried really hard to do all the things she would have done, for her. I actually bought a real Christmas tree and decorated it....if my mom had been here and seen the 'plant' I was going to try to pass off as a Christmas tree she would have rung my bell. The family Christmas party was great, my sister cried, my dad came and brought presents, and nobody got in a fight. It was a true Christmas miracle.
Today was a day I didn't want to deal with, in fact I don't want to deal with anything that's going on right now. Lately I've had projects to keep me busy....Thanksgiving, then my family Christmas party, and Christmas itself. I have tried to stay busy and keep my mind off the inevitable. But I have no more projects right now to bury my brain. And thinking and feeling right now just hurts too much. The night before Thanksgiving, as my husband and I were standing in Walmart buying Cool Whip for pies, he told me he was 'thinking' that he wanted a divorce. I had no idea!! The reason: his son is 9 years old and hates me and my son's guts. He doesn't want a step mom or a step brother. His mother has told him he doesn't have to do anything I say and he doesn't have to be nice to my son because 'we're stupid'. And my husband won't put his foot down and tell him different. Really, it's more than that. My husband plays favorites. For example, in the car Friday night, my son was writing on the window and my husband told him to stop it (HUGE pet peeve for me...do not write on my car windows!!) and no sooner had he got the words out of his mouth than HIS son started writing on the window. I told Wade what he was doing (because I'm not 'allowed' to discipline his son....in fact NOBODY disciplines his son) and he shrugged his shoulders at me and ignored what his son was doing. Of course my son was furious. I wasn't none too happy either. His son stares at my son, kicks him, trips him, shoved him on his broken arm, and completely ignores anything I say. And he is never held accountable for his actions. It is hell 4 days a month!!! The three days leading up to him being here I have panic attacks, I can't breath, I break out with cold sores. When he's here, my husband and I yell at each other, I find reasons to work late or run errands so I don't have to come home, and I go to bed early and watch TV until I fall asleep. My son doesn't even want to be here...he calls my sister and asks if he can hang out there for a few days. For three days after he goes home my husband and I don't speak to each other, I try to clean up his path of destruction, and put my son's feelings back together. It is hell 4 days a month....and right now we are in the middle of a week of it.
Yes, we are in counseling. After my husband told me he thought if we got divorced it would make his son happy I talked him into going to counseling. We've had 3 sessions. One of those with the boys. His son agreed to do things and so did my son. Not an hour later his son was doing exactly what he had agreed not to do....and of course my husband refuses to hold him accountable. And do you know what my husband told me Friday night? Get this. Are you ready? Oh it's a doosey! He said to me that it's me and my son's problem, not his or his son's problem. That if our marriage is going to be saved that it's up to me...he doesn't see where he needs to do any work and that I need to let his son have 'fun'. REALLY??? Yes, really!!!
And for Christmas...
We had agreed to spend $150 on each other for Christmas. I spent way more than that to make sure he got everything on his list he wanted, and I found some things that weren't even on his list and made sure he had a nice Christmas. Guess what?? He didn't even spend the damn $150 on me. Nope. Said he didn't have time. And how long has Christmas been on the calendar exactly??? AND he told me that a couple things he ordered for me wouldn't be here by Christmas, but one of the boxes showed up Christmas Eve. But he never gave it to me. I kid you not. I asked him Christmas night what was in the box and he told me he was going to give it to me for another occasion. Oh great....so now I have to wait for my birthday to finish getting my Christmas presents?!? I got socks and yoga pants for Christmas and an ugly damn scarf that looks like a child made it that he bought from someone at his work so I can't even take it back to get one that will match my coat. And scales...scales that at one point I wanted but then my son bought new scales so I specifically told him I didn't want new scales. He bought them anyway. And he can't remember where he bought them so I can't take them back. Oh...and the 4 movies I got? Oh yea...I bought those myself.
I wasn't in a very good mood the next day...ya think? So Sunday night he hands me a Walmart bag and says 'If it really means that much to you.' Ummmm no...it meant that much to me on Christmas....now you're a day late and several dollars short. I didn't open it. It's still sitting on the coffee table. I want to burn it. Oh...and when he gave it to me and we were 'talking' about how he could possibly not have the 'time' to shop and trying to find a reason why I wasn't good enough for him to give me what he had bought for me he drops this on me.....
There is more stuff from B&BW that I really wanted that he hasn't given me.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Get this...he was just going to put it away in the closet for me. How the fuck is that a gift??? And how am I not supposed to be hurt??? Somebody please tell me!!!
And if that wasn't enough icing on the cake and you were waiting for sprinkles....
We have a rule in our house that guns should not be played with in the house. I compromised to allow the laser guns in the house. But we have both agreed that anything that could potentially shoot a projectile should be played with outside. Namely BB guns. Are you following me here? You know where I'm going...right?
After the big fallout with whatever is in the stupid Walmart bag I walk into his son's room where he is with his son to tell them that dinner is ready. And what is laying on the bed? His fetching BB gun!! As if the kid didn't get enough crap for Christmas he managed to go downstairs (with help from his father I have no doubt) and get his BB gun from the gun rack (which he couldn't even reach on his own) to play with in his room. And why you ask? Because my son got a BB gun for Christmas and isn't even allowed to take it out of the box until we go shoot it. But oh no....my husband's son has to rub it in my son's face that rules don't apply to him. And when I asked my husband about it...do you know what he said??? He said he forgot about the rule. I wish I was kidding. I really wish I do. I wish this was a bad episode of Punk'd. But it's not. It's my life.
My son wouldn't even come to my work with my husband and his son to have lunch with me today because he said my husband's son had already pushed his buttons today and he didn't want to get in trouble for something he might do or say. So he stayed home while my husband and his son got to go out to lunch. Doesn't quite seem fair does it?
One minute I'm hurt, then I'm numb, and then I'm angry and then I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. I want my husband back. It wasn't like this 6 months ago. The counselor explained how my husband was being manipulated, how his son is out to sabotage our marriage and my husband is playing right into his plan, and my husband promised to back me up, he promised to make the same rules apply to both kids, he promised to hold his son accountable, he promised to be fair. Then Friday night he tells me that he doesn't see where he needs to do anything, it's all me. I'm just sick, curled up on the couch in a fetal position sick. The only way I got to sleep the last 2 nights was by taking Loratab I had leftover from my surgery. That's going to last about 3 more nights. Then what??
I don't want to lose my husband. I don't want my marriage to end. But I know a relationship takes two people and if he lets his son make this decision for him and I mean so little to him then I don't know what I can do to stop him.
Just fucking great. My son just called and wants to spend the night at his friend's house tonight because he says that HE doesn't want to cause any problems. Unbelievable!!!
I really have no idea where the New Year is going to start or end. I'm just really lost right now.
From the day before Thanksgiving to the day after Christmas I lost a grand total of .2 pounds. No that is not 2 pounds...look closely...there is a period in front of the two. Yup, 2 tenths of a pound. Considering I was bouncing between losing 2 pounds and gaining 5 I don't think I did too bad. At least I didn't gain. And with all the shit going on right now I could have easily gained 10 pounds overnight just from stress-eating. Thank you LapBand! I don't have my ticker updated yet...I can't remember my password so I might have to start a new one.
After my last post I did some deep thinking and realized that Christmas wasn't just about me but the kids. It wasn't about my past or my pity party. It was about giving my kids a tradition to pass on to their kids. It's about the birth of Christ. And my mom....well, I tried really hard to do all the things she would have done, for her. I actually bought a real Christmas tree and decorated it....if my mom had been here and seen the 'plant' I was going to try to pass off as a Christmas tree she would have rung my bell. The family Christmas party was great, my sister cried, my dad came and brought presents, and nobody got in a fight. It was a true Christmas miracle.
Today was a day I didn't want to deal with, in fact I don't want to deal with anything that's going on right now. Lately I've had projects to keep me busy....Thanksgiving, then my family Christmas party, and Christmas itself. I have tried to stay busy and keep my mind off the inevitable. But I have no more projects right now to bury my brain. And thinking and feeling right now just hurts too much. The night before Thanksgiving, as my husband and I were standing in Walmart buying Cool Whip for pies, he told me he was 'thinking' that he wanted a divorce. I had no idea!! The reason: his son is 9 years old and hates me and my son's guts. He doesn't want a step mom or a step brother. His mother has told him he doesn't have to do anything I say and he doesn't have to be nice to my son because 'we're stupid'. And my husband won't put his foot down and tell him different. Really, it's more than that. My husband plays favorites. For example, in the car Friday night, my son was writing on the window and my husband told him to stop it (HUGE pet peeve for me...do not write on my car windows!!) and no sooner had he got the words out of his mouth than HIS son started writing on the window. I told Wade what he was doing (because I'm not 'allowed' to discipline his son....in fact NOBODY disciplines his son) and he shrugged his shoulders at me and ignored what his son was doing. Of course my son was furious. I wasn't none too happy either. His son stares at my son, kicks him, trips him, shoved him on his broken arm, and completely ignores anything I say. And he is never held accountable for his actions. It is hell 4 days a month!!! The three days leading up to him being here I have panic attacks, I can't breath, I break out with cold sores. When he's here, my husband and I yell at each other, I find reasons to work late or run errands so I don't have to come home, and I go to bed early and watch TV until I fall asleep. My son doesn't even want to be here...he calls my sister and asks if he can hang out there for a few days. For three days after he goes home my husband and I don't speak to each other, I try to clean up his path of destruction, and put my son's feelings back together. It is hell 4 days a month....and right now we are in the middle of a week of it.
Yes, we are in counseling. After my husband told me he thought if we got divorced it would make his son happy I talked him into going to counseling. We've had 3 sessions. One of those with the boys. His son agreed to do things and so did my son. Not an hour later his son was doing exactly what he had agreed not to do....and of course my husband refuses to hold him accountable. And do you know what my husband told me Friday night? Get this. Are you ready? Oh it's a doosey! He said to me that it's me and my son's problem, not his or his son's problem. That if our marriage is going to be saved that it's up to me...he doesn't see where he needs to do any work and that I need to let his son have 'fun'. REALLY??? Yes, really!!!
And for Christmas...
We had agreed to spend $150 on each other for Christmas. I spent way more than that to make sure he got everything on his list he wanted, and I found some things that weren't even on his list and made sure he had a nice Christmas. Guess what?? He didn't even spend the damn $150 on me. Nope. Said he didn't have time. And how long has Christmas been on the calendar exactly??? AND he told me that a couple things he ordered for me wouldn't be here by Christmas, but one of the boxes showed up Christmas Eve. But he never gave it to me. I kid you not. I asked him Christmas night what was in the box and he told me he was going to give it to me for another occasion. Oh great....so now I have to wait for my birthday to finish getting my Christmas presents?!? I got socks and yoga pants for Christmas and an ugly damn scarf that looks like a child made it that he bought from someone at his work so I can't even take it back to get one that will match my coat. And scales...scales that at one point I wanted but then my son bought new scales so I specifically told him I didn't want new scales. He bought them anyway. And he can't remember where he bought them so I can't take them back. Oh...and the 4 movies I got? Oh yea...I bought those myself.
I wasn't in a very good mood the next day...ya think? So Sunday night he hands me a Walmart bag and says 'If it really means that much to you.' Ummmm no...it meant that much to me on Christmas....now you're a day late and several dollars short. I didn't open it. It's still sitting on the coffee table. I want to burn it. Oh...and when he gave it to me and we were 'talking' about how he could possibly not have the 'time' to shop and trying to find a reason why I wasn't good enough for him to give me what he had bought for me he drops this on me.....
There is more stuff from B&BW that I really wanted that he hasn't given me.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Get this...he was just going to put it away in the closet for me. How the fuck is that a gift??? And how am I not supposed to be hurt??? Somebody please tell me!!!
And if that wasn't enough icing on the cake and you were waiting for sprinkles....
We have a rule in our house that guns should not be played with in the house. I compromised to allow the laser guns in the house. But we have both agreed that anything that could potentially shoot a projectile should be played with outside. Namely BB guns. Are you following me here? You know where I'm going...right?
After the big fallout with whatever is in the stupid Walmart bag I walk into his son's room where he is with his son to tell them that dinner is ready. And what is laying on the bed? His fetching BB gun!! As if the kid didn't get enough crap for Christmas he managed to go downstairs (with help from his father I have no doubt) and get his BB gun from the gun rack (which he couldn't even reach on his own) to play with in his room. And why you ask? Because my son got a BB gun for Christmas and isn't even allowed to take it out of the box until we go shoot it. But oh no....my husband's son has to rub it in my son's face that rules don't apply to him. And when I asked my husband about it...do you know what he said??? He said he forgot about the rule. I wish I was kidding. I really wish I do. I wish this was a bad episode of Punk'd. But it's not. It's my life.
My son wouldn't even come to my work with my husband and his son to have lunch with me today because he said my husband's son had already pushed his buttons today and he didn't want to get in trouble for something he might do or say. So he stayed home while my husband and his son got to go out to lunch. Doesn't quite seem fair does it?
One minute I'm hurt, then I'm numb, and then I'm angry and then I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. I want my husband back. It wasn't like this 6 months ago. The counselor explained how my husband was being manipulated, how his son is out to sabotage our marriage and my husband is playing right into his plan, and my husband promised to back me up, he promised to make the same rules apply to both kids, he promised to hold his son accountable, he promised to be fair. Then Friday night he tells me that he doesn't see where he needs to do anything, it's all me. I'm just sick, curled up on the couch in a fetal position sick. The only way I got to sleep the last 2 nights was by taking Loratab I had leftover from my surgery. That's going to last about 3 more nights. Then what??
I don't want to lose my husband. I don't want my marriage to end. But I know a relationship takes two people and if he lets his son make this decision for him and I mean so little to him then I don't know what I can do to stop him.
Just fucking great. My son just called and wants to spend the night at his friend's house tonight because he says that HE doesn't want to cause any problems. Unbelievable!!!
I really have no idea where the New Year is going to start or end. I'm just really lost right now.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Catching up with bullets....
I haven't posted anything in quite a while so I thought I'd take a few minutes and get you caught up. I think the best way to do this is with bullets. Too bad we don't have a Christmas themed bullet list. Oh well, I guess you'll have to suffer with the boring old stuff.
- I have a few new followers. How does that happen when I haven't even been blogging?? Thank you so much for following me!! And thank you to all my followers for not ditching me while I had the covers pulled over my head ignoring the world. I'm going to try to blog more. Please be patient with me, winters are hard on me and the winter blues are setting in hard this year.
- Thanksgiving kicked my ass. I haven't been to the gym since the Monday before Thanksgiving. I've gained 3 pounds from my lowest. But, I've lost 1 pound from my highest since Thanksgiving. I haven't been tracking calories or protein and I haven't been getting enough water. I need to get motivated but for various reasons I could really give a shit less right now.
- Last weekend was a B.A.D. weekend. My husband and I have been having some serious problems with his family, mostly because they believe I am the spawn of satan because I have tattoos, I love my gay family and friends, I'm fat, and I have 2 children from different fathers, among other various unforgivable sins. To make a long story short we have spent the past 2 years of Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family. When we left his sister's house on Christmas Eve last year I had BITCH written on my window....such a loving Christian sentiment don't you think? And of course nobody will take credit for it. For Valentine's Day his mom handed out personalized Valentines to all the kids except my son. This year due to their attitude and making me and my kids feel like shit we have decided not to attend any holiday parties at their homes. And they are so pissed because it's all my fault they don't get to see their grandson...not Wade, just his son. Makes my husband feel real good! So last weekend we decided to have lunch with his parents...in a public place...to talk about things and try to bury the hatchet. BAD IDEA!! They brought the hatchet alright...but not to bury it. It's not a good sign when before you even get seated your father is threatening you with a law suit for grandparents visitation rights....which don't really even exist in Idaho. He obviously didn't think I'd know anything about that. It was awful! I was attacked and yelled at and at one point I swear his dad was going to hit me. My husband was trying to stick up for me as best he could. I don't get pushed around easily and yes, I yelled back. I stood my ground. I stuck up for my husband, my kids, and me. And when both his mom and dad yelled at me to shut up I told them they had no right to speak to me that way. I was called a liar. They said they wished Wade had never met me. His dad accused me of writing BITCH on my own window just to cause problems. I left the restaurant in tears. I bought a pack of cigarettes and a Diet Dr. Pepper. I smoked 1 cigarette and walked back to the hotel, which was about a mile, in the snow. I just wanted to be alone. That night at the Army Christmas Party I drank a lot of vodka. It was a BAD weekend!!
- I have decided I need a new exercise goal. I accomplished my goal to walk a 5K and I felt really good about it. I'm hoping a new goal will get my ass to the gym and get me motivated. My new goal.......is to pass the Army Reserve PT test. The soldiers in the Army Reserve have to pass it two times a year. And I'm going to do it this spring. It's not crazy bad...but enough to be a real challenge. I will need to do 16 push ups (real ones from the toes, not sissy ones from the knees) in less than 2 minutes, 36 sit ups in less than 2 minutes (it might be a few more than that, I forget the exact number right now), and walk 2.5 miles in 39 minutes. This all has to be done one after the other. I have NEVER done a push up before so this will be interesting. The FRG (Family Readiness Group) president is going to do it with me and I think we're going to get some of the other wives/girlfriends/husbands/boyfriends to do it with us. We're going to wear Army shirts and everything.
- Christmas sucks! I am really not feeling it. My family has not done a Christmas party together since before my mom died but I decided to throw one together this year. My dad is even coming from Utah for it....that is HUGE considering he has NEVER accepted an invitation for dinner at my home in my entire life! I've got a lot of fun things planned but I haven't even put up Christmas decorations yet. I just can't get into it but I don't want to let my family down. The plain and simple fact is that I miss my mom. I miss her terribly. And Christmas just isn't the same without her and it never will be. Christmas was my mom's favorite holiday and every little decoration, every song, every twinkling light is a screaming reminder that she's not here and never will be again. I'm crying now just writing this. It's been almost 17 years since she passed away...and it never gets easier.
- I think I'll leave on a happier note. This is a comparison of the three years that my husband and I have been together and that we have gone to the Army Christmas Party. Thanks to Jen and her fabulous tutorial for the instructions on how to do a collage. I cannot believe the difference in my face! And yes, that is my Chicago dress.
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