I don't really expect anyone to read this. I'm just trying to get my feelings out and see if maybe I can find some light in all my darkness. I don't want to waste anyone's time so please don't feel obligated in any way to read what I have to say. It's ok, really.
I am having a hard time right now. Blogging, weight loss, life, and trying to think of a title for this damn post. I'm in a rut, a deep, dark, rut. I feel like a fish flopping around in the bottom of a boat. And I don't like it. I write blogs in my head when I am falling asleep but they never seem to make it here. I'm reading and trying to stay caught up but I haven't been very good at commenting. I just don't feel like I have anything of value to add when there are so many other great comments.
I'm disgusted and discouraged and today I feel like throwing in the towel. I have lost 60 pounds, maybe I should just be happy with that and not be greedy. I've been bouncing between 270 and 267 for over 3 months, since November 11th. One day, two weeks ago, I saw 263 but that was after a weekend out of town, shopping, lots of driving and not very much water, so I know I was just dehydrated. Still, I saw it and it pisses me off that I haven't seen anything near it since then. I saw 266.0 three mornings in a row this week so I was really hoping for at least 265.9 today. I was really thinking that all the training and sore muscles was going to start paying off and the scales would show it on official weigh-in day. Today…I saw a big fat screw you, laughing in my face, 268.6. I worked out hard on Wednesday, I did 25 minutes on the elliptical, situps, pushups, squats, and walking lunges. And today it seems like it was all for nothing. I have been working with my trainer for a month and still no difference. I mean really, what the hell is the point of putting myself through all this? Why am I spending all this money on a trainer and making myself sore if it's not going to make a fetching difference?
I work hard when I am with my trainer and I am able to do more now than I did when we started so I know I am making some progress. But the scales don't show it. I have 3 sets of scales in my bathroom so I know it's not because my scales are broke - I primarily use the same one all the time but I check at least once a week with the other two just to make sure. So unless all 3 of them are broke then it's just me.
I meet with my trainer one day a week. I'm supposed to repeat, on my own, what we do on one other day during the week and do two days of just elliptical intervals. But honestly I'm doing good to make it one other day to the gym and sometimes I don't even do that. I am so sore after I work with her that I can barely move for the next 3 days. When the soreness does go away I wake up all gung-ho to go to the gym. But when 5:00 comes and I walk out of the office and it's dark and cold and windy and snowing and I know that nobody will miss me if I don't go to the gym then all I want to do is go home, put my jammies on, curl up on the couch and watch TV. I wish I could afford to meet with my trainer two days a week but I can't so it is what it its. I hate going to the gym by myself, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and that everyone is staring at the fat girl. At least when I am there with someone else I don't feel as self-conscience and I work harder too. I have no ambition to clean my house or do laundry, and somedays I don't even want to take a shower because I hate that cold chill that hits you when you step out of the shower. I hate Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's here, it's been here for awhile, I just didn't want to admit it. I went to my doctor and she put me on Cymbalta. It would probably work better if I could remember to take it everyday.
There have been a few posts lately about journaling. Every once in a while I will log all my food for a week or so. But, when I can't find the nutrition info for something then I get frustrated and quit. I am really good with breakfast and dinner most of the time but lunch kills me. I eat out with my co-workers most of the time and when they want to go somewhere that doesn't offer their nutrition info then I'm screwed. We have a fridge and a microwave but my boss is an ass if anything has an odor when it's being cooked, which is just about everything. Popcorn, fish, anything with garlic, all forbidden. Basically the microwave is a glorified coffee warmer. So I'm pretty restricted with what I can do for lunch. For breakfast I bring yogurt or oatmeal that I can make with just boiled water, or a Zone bar. I could bring cold lunch meat but that gets old after a few days and it's hard to stay in the office by myself when everyone else is going out. And truth be told, I need that break away from the office.
Right now the only thing I am looking forward to is Chicago in September. But if I can't get any more fat off my ass then I don't feel like I should go. I would feel like a big fat fake fraud.
The anniversary of my mom's death was on the 18th and yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 61…she's been gone 17 years. I miss her as much today as I did 17 years ago.
I now have 100 followers. I'm not sure what I did to deserve more followers but I really do appreciate it. I know I need to try to be more positive so that nobody is disappointed or gets scared away. I'm sorry for being such a downer, I wish I could just snap out of this. I don't want to waste anyone's time on my stupidity.
There is so much in this post I can relate to. I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Wish I could give you a big hug. Chicago is defnitely something to look forward to and you should go no matter what. I think part of the beauty of Chicago & the group of women there is that everyone is at a different place, everyone struggles, and everyone understands... because chances are if they aren't where you are now they've been there or will be.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to you missing your Mom so much still. Next month it will be 23 years since my dad passed away. I still miss him like I did all those years ago - maybe more some days. This year is one of the dreaded years where the days & dates on the calendar are the same as they were that year... which always makes it that much harder for me.
I have that same issue with tracking my food. Once I stumble upon something I don't know the calories for, I get frustrated & lose focus on doing it for the rest of the day. Which so often leads to throwing in the towel on it all together.
Speaking of throwing in the towel. Don't do it. You've come so far. You are so worth the effort you're putting in at the gym... the results will come. Hang in there, my friend. Can't wait to come see you. :)
((big hugs))
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. I know how you feel. All the way around. Like you, I've been working out, but not seeing it on the scale.
ReplyDeleteMy mom passed away on March 21, 2006 and I dislike March with a passion. I miss her every day, but March, Mother's Day and her birthday are the worst times.
I know it's going to be hard to do, but I think my next step is to stop judging my accomplishments by what shows on the scale. I am a success if I work out 5 times a week. I am a success if I get my water in. I'm a success if I get my protein in and don't eat junk. I'm trying to stay away from journaling because as soon as I start writing down everything that goes in my mouth, I focus on what I shouldn't eat and then I want it more.
Does your gym have a bulletin board or a facebook page? I was nervous about taking a Zumba class by myself so pasted a comment on my gym's facebook page that I was trying to lose weight and was looking for someone trying to do the same who would want to meet up at the gym once in a while. I got a response pretty quickly. If you have someone to go with, it's definitely more fun and you have that accountability of meeting someone.
Hang in there. We can do this!
Oh man. don't be so down on yourself. this time of year sucks the big one. you are doing really good.
ReplyDeleteI think you should still plan on going to chicago. it is a great positive thing for you to go to.
hang in there. I hear you on the lunch thing at work. it gets hard trying to eat good while others are eating the junk food. I know.
Honey - I've missed you and have been worried about you. You are not a failure...no matter what you weigh. There are so many lap banders going through a stuck phase and it's so mentally discouraging. You're doing all the right things - so dig deep - and keep doing it for your health and because you are worth it. And honey - even if you gain weight - your butt better be in Chicago...we can't have BOOBs without you. I love you.
ReplyDelete"Big fat fake fraud"--NO, NO, NO. You will always be welcome. There is no xray required to prove we have a band. Just the desire to do the best we can to lose this weight. I am so jealous that you are getting out and actually exercising. It is a struggle for me right now but I see the light at the end of the tunnel (Spring!). I've also finally seen a 3 pounds drop in weight after a plateau from last September. We'll see if it holds. I am so sorry about your mom. I just realized she was only 4 years older than me.
ReplyDeleteAnd to repeat what Drazil said above-We can't have BOOBs without you.
i'm reading and i have faith in you that "this too shall pass"...winter doldrums suck, but spring will spring and so will you! you must must must go to chicago, who else will get in my pants? LOL xoxo
ReplyDeleteI am reading your words and wishing I could hug you for being brave enough to say them. I have also been struggling and I have to work harder to get my weight loss back on track. I've been told that strength training makes you stick... and even gain weight for a little while and then it starts flying off. Give it a little more time and hopefully it will come together for you. I wish I could say that I was working that hard, I only have myself to blame for my stall. I need to start strength training but I am very afraid of the pain causing me periods of lack of mobility. But that is how you build muscle and that what burns fat, so the more muscle you have, the more fat you burn. I see a huge drop in your future. Love you Roomie... and Chicago is not optional. I can't wait to see you there. *M*
ReplyDeleteI now when I was first starting with my trainer, my scale barely moved. I wanted to use it for target practice. I was in plateau hell...miserable...and then my body began to catch up with me. As you build those muscles, your scale may not move, but your body WILL change and that new muscle will help burn your fat...Promise!
ReplyDeleteI want you to snap out of it ONLY because it's hard to know you're struggling, and I want you to be blissfully happy! Such moments are hard, but I can only get through them with the hope that there is purpose for them. The Hubs and I laugh about how easy things don't build character-it's the really tough times. Maybe in truth you're just going through a HUGE growth spurt that's gonna lead you to success! :)
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to respond to this for DAYS but I just don't have the right words, because there are times when I could have written this myself. Especially for the times when I work SO hard for NO results, it seems. It will catch up though. You are awesome and you'll get to the right place where you need to be. (And if you are NOT in Chicago, I will be very upset, young lady! ;-))
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