What am I afraid of?

At what point does a plateau become self-sabotage? I would say month six is a pretty good slap in the face, no?

I have my own confession to make. I have been avoiding blogger. Avoiding reading and avoiding posting. This week I avoided the gym. I also avoided water. What I didn't avoid was ice cream and chips - and I ate seconds last night at dinner - FML!

So here's the deal. I have been in the 260's since November 12th. Yup, over 6 freaking months! Let's do a short re-cap, shall we? We shall.

April 23rd - 327 pounds - started pre-op diet (I use this as my starting weight)
May 5th - 315 - 12 lbs loss - surgery day
June 4th - 302 - loss 13 lbs
July 2nd - 297 - loss 5 lbs
Aug 6th - 293 - loss 4 lbs
Sep 3rd - 285 - loss 8 lbs
Oct 1st - 277 - loss 8 lbs
Nov 5th - 274 - loss 3 lbs
Dec 3rd - 269 - loss 5 lbs
Jan 7th - 270 - gain 1 lb
Feb 4th - 270 - loss 0
Mar 4th - 266 - loss 4 lbs
Apr 1st - 265 - loss 1 lb
May 1st - 264 - loss 1 lb

Did you notice that I really haven't lost crap since January? And my weight loss dramatically slowed down in November? W.T.F.?

From November to January I really just tried to maintain with it being the holidays and all. On January 23rd I started personal training and I knew the scales would stall for about 6 wks. Sure enough it did.  Then I lost that 4 pounds in about 1 1/2 wks at the end of March. April and May sucked big green donkey dicks. What the hell is wrong with me?

I am good to track my food until I get home then you could call me Hoover. My mouth turns into a black hole sucking up everything and anything I can get my hands on. Several times I have thrown away almost empty bags of cookies and chips as I would come up for air and have a brief moment of sanity between handfuls of shoving crap in my mouth. This is not me. I do not want this to be me.

Something is bothering me and I need to get it out. I don't know if it will help but hell, at this point it can't hurt.

I had a goal to be in the 250's for Christmas. Then I wanted it by Valentines, by Easter, and then it was Mother's Day. I get so close. Friday I saw 260.2. I was within a fart of seeing 259.9. I felt so defeated. Instead of being excited that I was so close I was pissed that I was that far way. Still that far way. This week I have completely killed any chance of seeing 259 tomorrow, official weigh-in day. Yesterday morning the scale showed 265. I haven't been getting enough water. I've been eating chips almost everyday. And I had ice cream 3 days this week. Oh, and I haven't done anything for exercise.

For the past couple of months when I get on the scale I hear these words..

Be careful what you wish for.

I hear my mom saying these words to me. The words she told me in the last lucid conversation I had with her. My mom struggled with her weight all her life. When she got to 300 pounds she decided to do whatever she had to do to lose it. She went from 300 to 135 in a little over 1 1/2 years. She did a lot of unhealthy things to lose it, but she exercised and changed her diet too.  She told me how she would give anything to just not be hungry all the time. She prayed to not be hungry, took pills, snapped elastics on her wrist, purged, and chased the latest diet fad. All to just lost weight and not be hungry.

Fast forward about 5 years, she has kept most of her weight off and even had a tummy tuck. But now she's laying in a hospital, dying. The tumor in her stomach prevented food from moving from her stomach to her intestines. She couldn't eat and she wasn't hungry. Her wish had come true. But at what cost? She told me in that last conversation that she would take all her weight back just to be able to see her daughter graduate from high school and to see her 8 year daughter go on her first date. She told me to be happy for what I had in life because wishing for more could take it all away. Be careful what you wish for.

I have wished for years to weigh 250. 250 has been my magic number. It is my hump. I have always felt that if I could get to the 250's then I would be closer to 200 than 300 and then I would really believe I could lose the rest -  if I could just get to 250. But every time I get close I screw it up. Because I'm scared to wish for it. Because I'd rather be fat than laying in a hospital bed with my family watching me waste away. Is is fair for me to wish I weigh less at the risk of my boys not having a mother? Yes, I realize how screwed up that is to think that. But I can't help it. Be careful what you wish for.

I'm not sure how to handle this. When I realized I was repeating that phrase to myself constantly I immediately knew it wasn't healthy. But I don't know how to stop or how to get passed it. What I do know is that I can't  get to 'healthy' both emotionally and physically until I figure it out. So I have to face this and deal with it. I just don't know how.

Workout Photos...finally

So Thursday May 5th was my 1 year surgery anniversary. No worries, the obligatory picture post is coming. But first I need to post my workout pics because I promised Maria I would and I don't want her to shank me in the middle of the night in Chicago :)

The best part of all this weight training is that I am really gaining muscle and losing fat. I'm a numbers kinda girl. If I don't see the payoff in numbers then it doesn't mean squat to me. And anybody that knows me knows I love analyzing numbers. When I did my 1-yr weigh in last week at the doctor the scales showed a 4 pound loss since my fill at the end of March. That doesn't seem like much but I've been in the 260's since November freaking 12th so 4 pounds in one month feels great! And I love that their scales give me a print out that shows the 4 pounds is a combination of a gain of 2 pounds of muscle and a loss of 6 pounds of fat. And that is as good as the scales moving. I'll take it!!

On to the pictures....These were taken March 31st at the YMCA where I work out.

This is me and my trainer, Tom. He's a HOTTIE - you should see him in a tank top. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hold your stomach in for a full hour while lifting weights...and then do sit ups? And yes I know how young he is ;) Oh and speaking of sit ups...I farted last week while doing said sit ups. And he was holding my feet. You know what they say about silent but deadly? Deadly yes, silent no, mortified definitely! He's such a trooper he just kept holding my feet and didn't even start choking even though I think his eyes started watering a little. Note to self: do not eat chile verde & beans for lunch on training days. You would think I would've thought of that huh?

Warm up on the elliptical

Bench Press - and yes I have weights on that sucker, it's only 55 with the bar but it's progress.

This is the Lateral Pull Down (or something like that) - grunting and making faces burns more calories.

Swiss Ball Squats - you can't tell but there is a big blue ball behind me that I use to 'roll' down the wall to do squats. One of these days I'll do big girl squats. 

The site of the crime. 

 Rowing - this machine is my bitch!

I'm not sure what this is called but I sit on the ball and lift weights over my head and try not to smack Tom with the weights or smack myself on the head with them. Again, grunting and making faces burns more calories.

Last but not least, my favorite (NOT). I try to hold this position as long as possible so that one day I can do a real push-up. In this picture my butt is up too high. Thanks to the hubby for taking not so great pictures of my ass sticking up in the air.

This is my can-we-go-home-now-look.