Wake me up when the nightmare is over

The holidays are over, finally! Well, almost. There is still New Year's Eve and New Year's Day to get through but that shouldn't be a biggy...just going to sleep over at my sister's house, eat Chinese, drink, and pretend to be merry. Thank you everyone for the Christmas cards and emails. I didn't send cards this year, in fact I haven't done cards for at least the last 5 years. So it's not personal that you didn't get one from me cause nobody did. Yup, I'm a Scrooge!

From the day before Thanksgiving to the day after Christmas I lost a grand total of .2 pounds. No that is not 2 pounds...look closely...there is a period in front of the two. Yup, 2 tenths of a pound. Considering I was bouncing between losing 2 pounds and gaining 5 I don't think I did too bad. At least I didn't gain. And with all the shit going on right now I could have easily gained 10 pounds overnight just from stress-eating. Thank you LapBand! I don't have my ticker updated yet...I can't remember my password so I might have to start a new one.

After my last post I did some deep thinking and realized that Christmas wasn't just about me but the kids. It wasn't about my past or my pity party. It was about giving my kids a tradition to pass on to their kids. It's about the birth of Christ. And my mom....well, I tried really hard to do all the things she would have done, for her. I actually bought a real Christmas tree and decorated it....if my mom had been here and seen the 'plant' I was going to try to pass off as a Christmas tree she would have rung my bell. The family Christmas party was great, my sister cried, my dad came and brought presents, and nobody got in a fight. It was a true Christmas miracle.

Today was a day I didn't want to deal with, in fact I don't want to deal with anything that's going on right now. Lately I've had projects to keep me busy....Thanksgiving, then my family Christmas party, and Christmas itself. I have tried to stay busy and keep my mind off the inevitable. But I have no more projects right now to bury my brain. And thinking and feeling right now just hurts too much. The night before Thanksgiving, as my husband and I were standing in Walmart buying Cool Whip for pies, he told me he was 'thinking' that he wanted a divorce. I had no idea!! The reason: his son is 9 years old and hates me and my son's guts. He doesn't want a step mom or a step brother. His mother has told him he doesn't have to do anything I say and he doesn't have to be nice to my son because 'we're stupid'. And my husband won't put his foot down and tell him different. Really, it's more than that. My husband plays favorites. For example, in the car Friday night, my son was writing on the window and my husband told him to stop it (HUGE pet peeve for me...do not write on my car windows!!) and no sooner had he got the words out of his mouth than HIS son started writing on the window. I told Wade what he was doing (because I'm not 'allowed' to discipline his son....in fact NOBODY disciplines his son) and he shrugged his shoulders at me and ignored what his son was doing. Of course my son was furious. I wasn't none too happy either. His son stares at my son, kicks him, trips him, shoved him on his broken arm, and completely ignores anything I say. And he is never held accountable for his actions. It is hell 4 days a month!!! The three days leading up to him being here I have panic attacks, I can't breath, I break out with cold sores. When he's here, my husband and I yell at each other, I find reasons to work late or run errands so I don't have to come home, and I go to bed early and watch TV until I fall asleep. My son doesn't even want to be here...he calls my sister and asks if he can hang out there for a few days. For three days after he goes home my husband and I don't speak to each other, I try to clean up his path of destruction, and put my son's feelings back together. It is hell 4 days a month....and right now we are in the middle of a week of it.

Yes, we are in counseling. After my husband told me he thought if we got divorced it would make his son happy I talked him into going to counseling. We've had 3 sessions. One of those with the boys. His son agreed to do things and so did my son. Not an hour later his son was doing exactly what he had agreed not to do....and of course my husband refuses to hold him accountable. And do you know what my husband told me Friday night? Get this. Are you ready? Oh it's a doosey! He said to me that it's me and my son's problem, not his or his son's problem. That if our marriage is going to be saved that it's up to me...he doesn't see where he needs to do any work and that I need to let his son have 'fun'. REALLY??? Yes, really!!!

And for Christmas...

We had agreed to spend $150 on each other for Christmas. I spent way more than that to make sure he got everything on his list he wanted, and I found some things that weren't even on his list and made sure he had a nice Christmas. Guess what?? He didn't even spend the damn $150 on me. Nope. Said he didn't have time. And how long has Christmas been on the calendar exactly??? AND he told me that a couple things he ordered for me wouldn't be here by Christmas, but one of the boxes showed up Christmas Eve. But he never gave it to me. I kid you not. I asked him Christmas night what was in the box and he told me he was going to give it to me for another occasion. Oh great....so now I have to wait for my birthday to finish getting my Christmas presents?!?  I got socks and yoga pants for Christmas and an ugly damn scarf that looks like a child made it that he bought from someone at his work so I can't even take it back to get one that will match my coat. And scales...scales that at one point I wanted but then my son bought new scales so I specifically told him I didn't want new scales. He bought them anyway. And he can't remember where he bought them so I can't take them back. Oh...and the 4 movies I got? Oh yea...I bought those myself.

I wasn't in a very good mood the next day...ya think? So Sunday night he hands me a Walmart bag and says 'If it really means that much to you.' Ummmm no...it meant that much to me on Christmas....now you're a day late and several dollars short. I didn't open it. It's still sitting on the coffee table. I want to burn it. Oh...and when he gave it to me and we were 'talking' about how he could possibly not have the 'time' to shop and trying to find a reason why I wasn't good enough for him to give me what he had bought for me he drops this on me.....

There is more stuff from B&BW that I really wanted that he hasn't given me.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Get this...he was just going to put it away in the closet for me. How the fuck is that a gift??? And how am I not supposed to be hurt??? Somebody please tell me!!!

And if that wasn't enough icing on the cake and you were waiting for sprinkles....

We have a rule in our house that guns should not be played with in the house. I compromised to allow the laser guns in the house. But we have both agreed that anything that could potentially shoot a projectile should be played with outside. Namely BB guns. Are you following me here? You know where I'm going...right?

After the big fallout with whatever is in the stupid Walmart bag I walk into his son's room where he is with his son to tell them that dinner is ready. And what is laying on the bed? His fetching BB gun!! As if the kid didn't get enough crap for Christmas he managed to go downstairs (with help from his father I have no doubt) and get his BB gun from the gun rack (which he couldn't even reach on his own) to play with in his room. And why you ask? Because my son got a BB gun for Christmas and isn't even allowed to take it out of the box until we go shoot it. But oh no....my husband's son has to rub it in my son's face that rules don't apply to him. And when I asked my husband about it...do you know what he said??? He said he forgot about the rule. I wish I was kidding. I really wish I do. I wish this was a bad episode of Punk'd. But it's not. It's my life.

My son wouldn't even come to my work with my husband and his son to have lunch with me today because he said my husband's son had already pushed his buttons today and he didn't want to get in trouble for something he might do or say. So he stayed home while my husband and his son got to go out to lunch. Doesn't quite seem fair does it?

One minute I'm hurt, then I'm numb, and then I'm angry and then I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. I want my husband back. It wasn't like this 6 months ago. The counselor explained how my husband was being manipulated, how his son is out to sabotage our marriage and my husband is playing right into his plan, and my husband promised to back me up, he promised to make the same rules apply to both kids, he promised to hold his son accountable, he promised to be fair. Then Friday night he tells me that he doesn't see where he needs to do anything, it's all me. I'm just sick, curled up on the couch in a fetal position sick. The only way I got to sleep the last 2 nights was by taking Loratab I had leftover from my surgery. That's going to last about 3 more nights. Then what??

I don't want to lose my husband. I don't want my marriage to end. But I know a relationship takes two people and if he lets his son make this decision for him and I mean so little to him then I don't know what I can do to stop him.

Just fucking great. My son just called and wants to spend the night at his friend's house tonight because he says that HE doesn't want to cause any problems. Unbelievable!!!

I really have no idea where the New Year is going to start or end. I'm just really lost right now.