Introducing....CLUMSY

I got a comment today on my last post from Jen spanking reminding me that I haven't blogged as promised. I swear I do not understand how you all have time time to blog, take care of kids and husbands, work full-time, have a social life, exercise, and read & comment on blogs. Someone please teach me time management LOL.

In my absence I have recruited someone very near and dear to me to start blogging. She is anonymous, but let me tell you, Clumsy fits her to a T. She is funny, crazy (in all the good ways), kind, supportive...I just can't say enough about her....she is my BFF and I love her dearly. And you could say she is like a sister to me ;) Would you please head over to her blog and show her some love?

What else? Oh...I got my nose pierced. Clumsy held my hand and took not-so-attractive pictures of me getting pierced. What are friends for right? The one thing everybody asks is 'Did it hurt?' And the answer is yes and no. I also had the second and third holes in my ears opened back up but not necessarily re-pierced. The guy just shoved the piercing stud through my ear where the old holes were and THAT hurt way worse than my nose. Mind you I took a Valium and a Loratab about thirty minutes before we got to the tattoo/piercing shop. I went back to my sister's house after it was all done and I passed out fell asleep. I was supposed to go to the rodeo with my husband later that day but there wasn't a herd of elephants that could of woke me up. So the key to getting your nose pierced is to be well medicated...and sleep a lot.

In weight loss news I have had 2 weeks in a row with 2 lbs lost each week. YEA ME!! Of course this weekend probably killed at least 2-3 lbs of that what with the Cadbury Creme Eggs and homemade potato salad. UGH! Time to get my butt in gear and do some damage control before official weigh-in day on Friday. My one-year surgery anniversary is on May 5th and I would really like to be able to lose four more pounds to have a nice even round number for my one year loss. Looks like it's chicken-and-broccoli-bitch for me the next couple weeks LOL.

I'm trying to keep my posts shorter so I don't wear out my followers with novel-length posts so I think I'm going to end here for now. Please please please go check out Clumsy.....she's a bloggy virgin so she could really use a lot of encouragement and support. And since I have the best followers in all of blog-land I know you will all rush over and give her some love :)

Ta-Ta for now
XOXO

Knock Knock

Just checking in real quick to let you all know everything is ok and I'm still around. I've been reading blogs when I can find a few minutes but I know I've missed a lot. I'm really going to try to get caught up this weekend - pinky promise :)

I have SO much to blog about I just haven't had the time to sit down and write. I have work-out pics to post (I didn't forget Maria), pics of my new hair-do in case you missed it on Facebook, I got my nose pierced, spent an incredible weekend with 2 of my favorite BOOBs, and I have done a little blogger recruiting. I know you are all going to love her...I'm going to help her set up a few things this weekend and then I'll unveil her. I'm so excited for you all to meet her.

I'll be bawk

I got a makeover!

Look around my friends....notice anything different? Well you should! Jenny has been here and she has completely out-done herself. Seriously....did you see the donut on that girl's butt? Is that just not the most perfect thing for my blog? It is ALL perfect...my sprinkles, my donut butt, and my name tag from Chicago.

THANK YOU Jenny for the most perfect blog! And thank you for being so patient with me. You are the best!!

And just in case any of you are thinking that you might want Jen to do your blog..DO IT!! One day she is going to be a blog-designing celebrity and have her own show on the Style channel and we can say we knew her 'when'.  Get her while you can :)

The Road to Obesity is Paved with Potato Chips

I do believe the 3 month plateau from hell has left town. I have seen 3 consecutive weeks with a loss. I am still in the 260's but at least the scale is moving in the right direction now. Of course since I was doing so well I have now spent the last two days sabotaging all my hard work by eating my own weight in food….like for reals. Since Gilly, Joey and Read have been so brave as to confess their food sins I guess I'll belly up to the confessional too.…

It started Sunday. This is what I ate:

Weight Control Oatmeal
Cottage Cheese & Mandarin Oranges
Handful of regular potato chips with french onion chip dip
1/2 bag of BBQ Potato Chips
Red Lobster for supper:
1/2 of a Cheddar Bay Biscuit (HELLO! I have not even tried to eat one of those in almost a year!)
3 shrimp of a Shrimp Cocktail appetizer
All of my salad - Red Wine Vinaigrette dressing
I ordered the pick two - build your own dinner - with grilled salmon and a grilled shrimp skewer with the garlic mashed potatoes. I usually only eat about 1/2 of this. But not this time my pretties...I ate the whole damn thing - including the rice. RICE! Since when do I even like rice???
And because eating everything on my plate wasn't enough I started pillaging my husband's plate:
2 bites of lobster, 1 fork full of crab, and 2 of his shrimp scampi's.
AND THEN WE ORDERED DESSERT!!
And I ate 1/2 of the Apple Pie/Ice Cream thing.

And I never even got close to being stuck!! I kid you not!

Yesterday, the death wish continued:

Oatmeal
Broccoli Cheese Soup
2 slices deli ham w/ 1 slice Provolone
Zone Bar
1 Mini Snickers & 1 Mini Milky Way (damn candy jar on the secretary's desk!)

At this point when I left work I was at 910 calories. I planned on going home, having shrimp and cauliflower for supper and being a good girl.

You know what they say about the road to obesity and good intentions right?

My husband had a late class and I knew we wouldn't be eating until late so I decided to have a snack.

I shared a 90 calorie granola bar with my son. Then I had 5 slices of Pepper Jack Cheese and 20 Whole Grain Ritz crackers. Can that be considered a simple snack? No? Didn't think so.

So I started dinner. Tacos. They are my crack! I planned on shrimp, but changing the menu is just crazy talk. I mean, the menu is hanging on the fridge, it might as well be written in stone! Changing the menu has all kinds of repercussions, mostly to my own OCD-gotta have all my ducks in a row-sanity. So there I am with the pan of taco meat, and the taco chips, and the sour cream. And my husband says "Were you going to get a plate or just eat out of the pan?" So I make a salad with lettuce, meat, cheese, sour cream, guacamole, olives, and more taco chips. Good hell…I have NO self control when I am around chips. At least I still used the regular cereal bowl to make my salad and not the mixing bowl I used before I got my band.

And then I ate an oatmeal cookie and a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie before bed.

Is there really any question as to why the scales are up 2 pounds from Friday? Good Hell! I need to get my shit together and I need to do it NOW.

Today is a new day. I am going to do better. So far I have had yogurt with fresh strawberries. I have a fill scheduled for Wednesday. I haven't had one since the end of December and I am thinking I'm way over due for a fill.

So after reading over this I think I have realized a couple things. First, chips are a trigger, I cannot eat just a few, I cannot stop once I start, and I cannot keep them in the house anymore. Eating and snacking at work does not seem to be the problem….it's when I get home that all hell breaks loose. I'm not sure why but I need to figure it out, deal with it, and stop it. Easier said than done.

There are also some things bothering me that have to do with my mom and something she told me just before she died. I had forgotten all about it until a couple weeks ago and as I was standing on the scales I heard her saying it, like she was standing right there. I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with why I'm sabotaging myself. I need to blog about it but I need to wrap my brain around it first.

I am still working out with my trainer twice a week and doing cardio on my own two other days a week. Pics of my workout are coming soon.

And Jen and Ms. M are coming to see me this weekend. I am so dang excited I could just burst!!

Have a terrific Tuesday everybody!!

I Zumba'd with a celebrity!

Wow! Time really flies. It feels like I was just posted a couple days ago. Guess I'd better get to catching up. I'll save the juicy Zumba story for later (aren't I a tease?)

• I've been sick this week. Like seriously shit on a cracker sick. Sinus infection, ear infections, and the flu. My head feels like it's going to explode. I spent two days home from work and was thinking oh goody I will have time to blog and read and relax. No way Jose'. The sinus headache put a big kabosh on that. But I'm here now and oh do I ever have a lot to catch up on. Please bear with me, I'm reading as fast as I can so my commenting is sparse but I am reading so don't throw rotten eggs at me.
• My scales are finally moving...ever so slowly but actually starting to move. As of this morning I have lost 3 pounds this week. Granted I know a lot of that is from being sick. But last week I lost 1.8 pounds. If I show another loss this week I'm going to take it as a sign that I have moved out of plateau town....it's about damn time...three months is way too long. Tomorrow is official weigh-in day so keep your fingers crossed for me.
• My trainer, Jenillian couldn't work with me for 1/2 hour twice a week, but for some reason she could do twice a week for an hour. Whatever. I called the supervisor at my gym and she assigned me a different trainer. HE is young....like barely shaving young. I was shocked when he told me he had graduated college and was married. I guess I'm just getting old. Anywhoo...he is doing a lot more strength training with me. And I love it!! I know I need cardio too but spending an hour on the hamster wheel is so damn mind-numbing! I don't know how Draz and Jen do it. I guess I haven't hit the endorphin high yet. Hell if I could feel that it might be worth it :) Before I got sick I could do an hour on the elliptical with an incline of 5 and resistance at 5, and 30 minutes of that I did intervals. It's a necessary evil...nothing more....nothing less.
• I have modified my goal for doing the Army PT test. I am not modifying the test, just the time frame. There have been 3 weeks that I have not been able to meet with my trainer, either because her kids were sick, I have been sick, or because the road was closed and I couldn't get home from Jackson Hole to make our appointment. So....my goal is still to pass the test but I'm not going to kill myself to make it by May 1st. Right now I just don't see it happening that soon. But I will do it and when I do I'm going to kick ass!
• Is anybody else besides me stalking the BOOB's blog? I swear I check that damn page three times a day thinking maybe something has been posted that maybe hasn't shown up in my blog roll. I am so excited to see everybody that I'm going to explode!!
• Ok...now for the big Zumba news. I know a lot of us watch The Biggest Loser. Weeeeeelllllll....Kaylee and Moses are from my town....they actually live on the same block but I have never talked to them. (I actually don't even know who my next door neighbors are and I have lived here almost 5 years...I like my privacy.) My oldest son and Kaylee went to high school together and my youngest goes to school with Kaylee's little sister. My boys say they are very nice girls. Back to Zumba....my sister talked me into going to a small Zumba class here in Podunk...small as in there were maybe 10 of us there. And guess who walked in after me and my sister? Yup, Kaylee. I seriously did not recognize her! TV really does add 30 pounds because she is so dang skinny!! She Zumba'd right next to me for the whole hour. I bumped into her twice when everybody else was going left and I went right...that's how coordinated I am . She was really nice about it and laughed it off. I got to talk to her a little afterwards. I saw her and her dad in the grocery store yesterday so he's home too. I have no idea how far out they tape and I didn't ask...since I overheard her tell someone else that she can't talk about the show until after the finale has aired. I'm going to have to keep going to Zumba so that when the finale airs I can get some good dirt on the other players hee hee ;)

I think that's about it for now. I'm going to go take a double dose of Nyquil and watch the Criminal Minds episode I missed last night. 

XOXO

Feeling Much Better

WOW!! I am so touched by the comments on my last post....several made me cry. I am so blessed and so thankful to be part of such a supportive and encouraging group of women. Thank you for being here for me and thank you for letting me know I'm not crazy and not alone. It really helps to know others have been where I am now. I love you all so much!!

And I am definitely going to Chicago. After all...I have dibs on getting into Carmen's pants :) . My husband found a really good deal to fly out of our city and not have to drive to Salt Lake so he bought the tickets for me. I am flying in on Thursday, I think I get to Chicago at 5:45, and I leave Sunday at 6:00 pm.  I have a connection in Salt Lake but it's no biggie and well worth it.

I really am feeling better. I think it's a combination of getting all my frustration out in my last post, the weather has been a little warmer the past couple of days, and my meds are finally kicking in. Now if the scale would just move then I could start farting gum drops again.

I am going to ask my trainer if she will work with me twice a week for 1/2 hour each day instead of just one day for a whole hour. I really need to work with her twice a week and I can do the cardio stuff on my own but I really need her help with the hard stuff. I'll let you all know what she says. I also talked to her about how my scales are stuck. She says that's to be expected but if they don't move in the next week or so then we will try something different.

Again, thank you all so much for all your support and kind words. It really means more to me than I could ever say.

Self-loathing and Disappointment

I don't really expect anyone to read this. I'm just trying to get my feelings out and see if maybe I can find some light in all my darkness. I don't want to waste anyone's time so please don't feel obligated in any way to read what I have to say. It's ok, really.

I am having a hard time right now. Blogging, weight loss, life, and trying to think of a title for this damn post. I'm in a rut, a deep, dark, rut. I feel like a fish flopping around in the bottom of a boat. And I don't like it. I write blogs in my head when I am falling asleep but they never seem to make it here. I'm reading and trying to stay caught up but I haven't been very good at commenting. I just don't feel like I have anything of value to add when there are so many other great comments.

I'm disgusted and discouraged and today I feel like throwing in the towel. I have lost 60 pounds, maybe I should just be happy with that and not be greedy. I've been bouncing between 270 and 267 for over 3 months, since November 11th. One day, two weeks ago, I saw 263 but that was after a weekend out of town, shopping, lots of driving and not very much water, so I know I was just dehydrated. Still, I saw it and it pisses me off that I haven't seen anything near it since then. I saw 266.0 three mornings in a row this week so I was really hoping for at least 265.9 today. I was really thinking that all the training and sore muscles was going to start paying off and the scales would show it on official weigh-in day. Today…I saw a big fat screw you, laughing in my face, 268.6. I worked out hard on Wednesday, I did 25 minutes on the elliptical, situps, pushups, squats, and walking lunges. And today it seems like it was all for nothing. I have been working with my trainer for a month and still no difference. I mean really, what the hell is the point of putting myself through all this? Why am I spending all this money on a trainer and making myself sore if it's not going to make a fetching difference?

I work hard when I am with my trainer and I am able to do more now than I did when we started so I know I am making some progress. But the scales don't show it. I have 3 sets of scales in my bathroom so I know it's not because my scales are broke - I primarily use the same one all the time but I check at least once a week with the other two just to make sure. So unless all 3 of them are broke then it's just me.

I meet with my trainer one day a week. I'm supposed to repeat, on my own, what we do on one other day during the week and do two days of just elliptical intervals. But honestly I'm doing good to make it one other day to the gym and sometimes I don't even do that. I am so sore after I work with her that I can barely move for the next 3 days. When the soreness does go away I wake up all gung-ho to go to the gym. But when 5:00 comes and I walk out of the office and it's dark and cold and windy and snowing and I know that nobody will miss me if I don't go to the gym then all I want to do is go home, put my jammies on, curl up on the couch and watch TV. I wish I could afford to meet with my trainer two days a week but I can't so it is what it its. I hate going to the gym by myself, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing and that everyone is staring at the fat girl. At least when I am there with someone else I don't feel as self-conscience and I work harder too. I have no ambition to clean my house or do laundry, and somedays I don't even want to take a shower because I hate that cold chill that hits you when you step out of the shower. I hate Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's here, it's been here for awhile, I just didn't want to admit it. I went to my doctor and she put me on Cymbalta. It would probably work better if I could remember to take it everyday.

There have been a few posts lately about journaling. Every once in a while I will log all my food for a week or so. But, when I can't find the nutrition info for something then I get frustrated and quit. I am really good with breakfast and dinner most of the time but lunch kills me. I eat out with my co-workers most of the time and when they want to go somewhere that doesn't offer their nutrition info then I'm screwed. We have a fridge and a microwave but my boss is an ass if anything has an odor when it's being cooked, which is just about everything. Popcorn, fish, anything with garlic, all forbidden. Basically the microwave is a glorified coffee warmer. So I'm pretty restricted with what I can do for lunch. For breakfast I bring yogurt or oatmeal that I can make with just boiled water, or a Zone bar. I could bring cold lunch meat but that gets old after a few days and it's hard to stay in the office by myself when everyone else is going out. And truth be told, I need that break away from the office.

Right now the only thing I am looking forward to is Chicago in September. But if I can't get any more fat off my ass then I don't feel like I should go. I would feel like a big fat fake fraud.

The anniversary of my mom's death was on the 18th and yesterday was her birthday. She would have been 61…she's been gone 17 years. I miss her as much today as I did 17 years ago.

I now have 100 followers. I'm not sure what I did to deserve more followers but I really do appreciate it. I know I need to try to be more positive so that nobody is disappointed or gets scared away. I'm sorry for being such a downer, I wish I could just snap out of this. I don't want to waste anyone's time on my stupidity.

She kicked my ass!

Last night was my first official work-out with my new trainer, Jen, who will from this point forward be known as Jenillian (get it...Jen + Jillian...and she kind of looks like Jillian too LOL). I did things I never thought I could do. And I cried, but the sweat rolling down my face hid the tears....I hope...at least Jenillian didn't say anything about it. I was sweating like I never have before. I did hard & fast on the elliptical, I did girl push-ups, sit-ups, squats, step-ups, and I lifted barbells until I thought my arms were going to explode. And I managed to walk out of the gym on my own two legs.

Today.....

I want my mommy!!!

I hurt like hell! My arm pits hurt. WTF is up with that??? I didn't know arm pits could could hurt like this. I can barely lift my arm to put my purse on my shoulder. And my legs?? I had to go in the bathroom twice at work to see if my thighs were red or swollen because even thinking of moving hurts. My stomach feels like I've been punched by Muhammad Ali. I'm taking a loratab to sleep tonight.

But in spite of all that.....

Ready????

I can't wait to do it again next week!!

WHAT??? I can't even believe I'm saying that. But really, it felt so good to do what I didn't think I could ever do. I was sweating like a banshee and today I can truly feel that I worked hard and I feel good about that. I wish I could afford to do two sessions each week but I can't so it is what it is and I'm just going to have to make the most of of the one hour each week that I get. I really want to pass that Army PT test in May and I know I can't do it alone...I need help and guidance...and Jenillian can get me there. It's my goal and by damn it's going to happen. May is my 1 year band-iversary and I want to be able to say I passed this test even more than being able to say I lost 100 pounds at my 1 yr mark....it means that much to me. I am going to post here what my progress is each week so stay tuned :) Here is what I have to do for the test, in this order, with no more than a 10 minute rest period in between:

1. 13 Push-Ups in 2 minutes - real Army push-ups from the toes, going down to where my arms are parallel to the floor

2. 38 Sit-Ups in 2 minutes - knees bent with hands behind my head, a full sit-up is my back at least 90 degrees to the floor

3. Walk 2.5 miles in 39 minutes - that's 4 miles per hour, the road for the test has a slight downhill slope which gives me a slight advantage.

If anyone has any tips or would like to smack me upside the head and tell me I'm living in a fantasy world to think I can do this in 4 months please let er rip....I welcome all your thoughts :)

The party is over!

The past 6 weeks of gluttony, parties, and laziness is over. It's time to get serious. I can feel my mo-jo coming back  I went to the gym last week. Yea, just once. But it's more than I have done since the Monday before Thanksgiving. I won't lie and say it felt good but it didn't kill me either. I have lost my holiday gain, well almost. I saw 265 for a brief micro-second a couple weeks before Christmas. Today I was 266.6. I won't count it as all completely gone until I see 265 again.

The Army PT test is in May. Last week I tried to see how many sit-ups and push-ups I could do. Let me tell you....it's not pretty. It doesn't even have a 'nice personality'. It's just plain ugly. And embarrassing. My initial sit-ups was 2. Yup 2. And the push-ups? Nada, zip, zilch. I couldn't even get my ass off the floor when trying to do them from my toes. And when I tried to do them from my knees I couldn't get my ass out of the ozone layer. My husband was nice enough not to laugh. This is just not acceptable. And thinking about it the next day I realized I have no idea how to get from where I am to where I need to be. My name is Amey not Amy W. and I don't have my own personal Heather.

Until tonight.

I have hired a personal trainer. She told me she could get me to where I need to be to pass the test. She has worked with women bigger than me and got them to their goal. And she will torture guide me to mine. She wants me to start taking Fish Oil capsules. OMG can I just say I am not too excited about this. I have heard about fish burps and fish breath from taking Fish Oil and I'm a little nervous. But I bought some tonight. I got the kind that says they are coated and aren't supposed to cause fish burp and because of the way they are coated I only have to take 2-3 a day instead of 6. When I told her I might not be able to swallow them she suggested I get liquid fish oil and put it in a protein shake in the morning. Ummm yea....I'm going to find a way to swallow those damn things if it kills me. I don't like protein shakes in any flavor for any reason and I pretty sure adding Fish Oil to it isn't going to make it any better. Pretty sure. In fact I'm so sure that I am not going to try it. BLECH!!!

Tonight was my initial consultation. Next Monday is our first official session. She wanted me to do two sessions each week but at $40 a session I can only afford one. So she's going to give me homework for the other days of the week. I'm nervous and excited. I really want to pass the PT test and I know I can't do it on my own. I'll let you all know how it goes.

On the home front things are better. Counseling has helped in ways I didn't think possible. I would highly recommend it for anyone. I wouldn't say we're out of the woods yet, but we're spending more 'couple' time together and learning to communicate....me without yelling and him to actually talk and not bottle things up. It's helping. Thank you all for all your support and hugs and texts and prayers and thoughts. It means the world to me.

XOXO

The 'D' Word

Things have been a little better the past couple of days with my husband and me. We had a long talk and he admitted there were some things that he could work on to make things better. And he has done much better. He has disciplined his son twice and he has supported me when I have told his son to pick up clothes and take a bath. He told me he doesn't want a divorce anymore and wants to work on our marriage. We have another counseling appointment Monday and I'm really looking forward to it.

Tuesday we are going to his grandmother's funeral in the town where his family lives, 3 hours away. When my husband's father called him to tell him he actually asked my husband if I would be coming. I'm pretty sure he didn't call my husband's sisters and ask them if their husbands would be coming...sheesh! My husband is a pall bearer so I will be on my own for most of the funeral. And his father told him he wants to talk to my husband ALONE...and my husband agreed to it. Nothing like six hours in a car on slick roads, family that would rather it be my funeral, and all the emotions that go along with a funeral to set off a fire storm of anxiety attacks and cold sores. Incidentally, his grandmother was 94 and had Alzheimer's for the better part of the past 10 years. It is always sad whenever a family member passes but in this case it was not unexpected and she is finally with her husband again...she is at peace.

This afternoon when I got home from work my husband told me he needed to talk to me about something. A few days before Christmas he received a call his from his 1st Sergeant. There is a new list and he's on it. The list is a made up of soldiers selected for deployment. The whole unit won't be going at once so he won't have the support of his guys...they are parting the unit out to other units across the country. So not fair!! The 'D' word. Deployment. This will by his 3rd. And deployments are for a whole year. It looks like he will be leaving in November. But this is the military we're talking about so it could be anytime from this summer to Spring 2011. I need to be able to plan and make lists and not knowing makes that almost impossible. Things are going to change....in a big way. Looks like next year we could be doing Christmas in October. If I thought my world was turned upside down over the past month then I was kidding myself. THIS turns my world upside down. 'Deployment' is the one word I fear as much as 'cancer'. It changes families, it changes lives, and you're never the same again. This scares the shit out of me!!

Enough crying today....it's time to party!!

We're off to my sister's to eat, drink and be merry. Everyone have a safe and happy new year!!

XOXO

BYOC

 I'm doing BYOC today. But first I want to say a few things....


THANK YOU

to everyone who left me the best comments and emailed me and texted me after my last post. I've been in such a haze that a couple of time I thought I had texted someone back but then the next day I realized I didn't. So if I didn't text you back it's not because I'm ignoring you. I'll get my act together, I promise. But seriously, I am so blessed to have so much support and so much friendship. I am touched beyond words. I love you all!!!






Things are getting better. He dropped a brick wall on me today but I'm going to do a different post for that....cause LIVE FROM THE FROZEN DESERT IT'S B Y O C!! I always wanted to do that.


1. Do you make a New Year’s resolution list every year? Do you meet those resolutions, forget about them or never meet them?

* I try not to make a list of resolutions. I try to pick one major thing that I want to change in my life over the next year and I really try to focus my attention on that and what it takes to be successful. A few years ago I wanted to quit smoking, and I did. Last year my focus was on Lap Band surgery and being focused on what I needed to do to be successful and I think I have done that, I still have a long way to go, but for the year I think I did very well. For 2011 my focus is going to be my home. I have plans for the inside and outside and I know how I want it to look at this time next year. My focus will be a project each week to get our home to where I want it to be by this time next year.

2. If you could delete all the songs from existence from a certain singer, who would it be?

* Bob Dylan...his whiney nasaley voice really grates on my nerves. And really...if I can't understand the words to a song then there is no point in listening to it.

3. If you could have sex with any Superhero – who would it be?

* This is a hard one. I've never been interested in cartoons or superheros so I'm not sure what my options are. Draz said Superman and I like her reasons so I'm going to steal her idea. And I like the idea of a 'super' man that could go all night long ;)


4. If it was free AND unlimited – would you choose to have a cook, chauffeur, or masseuse?

* You had me at cook. I HATE to cook and I'm not very good at it. I burn everything. And I hate it when the kids ask 'What's for dinner?' I make a dinner menu for a month at a time (OCD much??) and hang it on the fridge. I try to make sure we don't have to eat the same meat two nights in a row and we get a least one day of fish, chicken, pork and beef each week. It's a chore!! And God forbid the menu runs out before I get another one on the fridge. In October I didn't get a menu done and we ate out every night for two weeks because nobody knew what to have for dinner. We were like deer staring at headlights standing in the kitchen looking at each other thinking the same thing....we're going to starve because mom didn't make a menu and we are incapable of finding something to make on our own. And I hate it!! Yes, I would love to have a cook so that I wouldn't have to coordinate meals.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week – in real life and blogland.

• Blogland has been super supportive and a blessing. I love my BOOBs!!

Real life has not been so great. See my previous post. But tonight is going to be much better. The step-son is going home for the night and we don't have to pick him again until tomorrow at 6...for a whole day...then back to his mom again. This has to be the most screwed up visitation schedule on earth. We are going to my sister's house this afternoon and having a family sleep-over. We're going to wear our jammies all day, each Chinese, watch movies, let off fireworks at midnight and drink Pina Coladas. And in the morning my brother in law is making biscuits and gravy. I cannot wait!!

Work is good...I love the end of the year...reconciling accounts, making new files, running W2's...it's super busy and I love it like that.


Have a Happy New Year!!!

Wake me up when the nightmare is over

The holidays are over, finally! Well, almost. There is still New Year's Eve and New Year's Day to get through but that shouldn't be a biggy...just going to sleep over at my sister's house, eat Chinese, drink, and pretend to be merry. Thank you everyone for the Christmas cards and emails. I didn't send cards this year, in fact I haven't done cards for at least the last 5 years. So it's not personal that you didn't get one from me cause nobody did. Yup, I'm a Scrooge!

From the day before Thanksgiving to the day after Christmas I lost a grand total of .2 pounds. No that is not 2 pounds...look closely...there is a period in front of the two. Yup, 2 tenths of a pound. Considering I was bouncing between losing 2 pounds and gaining 5 I don't think I did too bad. At least I didn't gain. And with all the shit going on right now I could have easily gained 10 pounds overnight just from stress-eating. Thank you LapBand! I don't have my ticker updated yet...I can't remember my password so I might have to start a new one.

After my last post I did some deep thinking and realized that Christmas wasn't just about me but the kids. It wasn't about my past or my pity party. It was about giving my kids a tradition to pass on to their kids. It's about the birth of Christ. And my mom....well, I tried really hard to do all the things she would have done, for her. I actually bought a real Christmas tree and decorated it....if my mom had been here and seen the 'plant' I was going to try to pass off as a Christmas tree she would have rung my bell. The family Christmas party was great, my sister cried, my dad came and brought presents, and nobody got in a fight. It was a true Christmas miracle.

Today was a day I didn't want to deal with, in fact I don't want to deal with anything that's going on right now. Lately I've had projects to keep me busy....Thanksgiving, then my family Christmas party, and Christmas itself. I have tried to stay busy and keep my mind off the inevitable. But I have no more projects right now to bury my brain. And thinking and feeling right now just hurts too much. The night before Thanksgiving, as my husband and I were standing in Walmart buying Cool Whip for pies, he told me he was 'thinking' that he wanted a divorce. I had no idea!! The reason: his son is 9 years old and hates me and my son's guts. He doesn't want a step mom or a step brother. His mother has told him he doesn't have to do anything I say and he doesn't have to be nice to my son because 'we're stupid'. And my husband won't put his foot down and tell him different. Really, it's more than that. My husband plays favorites. For example, in the car Friday night, my son was writing on the window and my husband told him to stop it (HUGE pet peeve for me...do not write on my car windows!!) and no sooner had he got the words out of his mouth than HIS son started writing on the window. I told Wade what he was doing (because I'm not 'allowed' to discipline his son....in fact NOBODY disciplines his son) and he shrugged his shoulders at me and ignored what his son was doing. Of course my son was furious. I wasn't none too happy either. His son stares at my son, kicks him, trips him, shoved him on his broken arm, and completely ignores anything I say. And he is never held accountable for his actions. It is hell 4 days a month!!! The three days leading up to him being here I have panic attacks, I can't breath, I break out with cold sores. When he's here, my husband and I yell at each other, I find reasons to work late or run errands so I don't have to come home, and I go to bed early and watch TV until I fall asleep. My son doesn't even want to be here...he calls my sister and asks if he can hang out there for a few days. For three days after he goes home my husband and I don't speak to each other, I try to clean up his path of destruction, and put my son's feelings back together. It is hell 4 days a month....and right now we are in the middle of a week of it.

Yes, we are in counseling. After my husband told me he thought if we got divorced it would make his son happy I talked him into going to counseling. We've had 3 sessions. One of those with the boys. His son agreed to do things and so did my son. Not an hour later his son was doing exactly what he had agreed not to do....and of course my husband refuses to hold him accountable. And do you know what my husband told me Friday night? Get this. Are you ready? Oh it's a doosey! He said to me that it's me and my son's problem, not his or his son's problem. That if our marriage is going to be saved that it's up to me...he doesn't see where he needs to do any work and that I need to let his son have 'fun'. REALLY??? Yes, really!!!

And for Christmas...

We had agreed to spend $150 on each other for Christmas. I spent way more than that to make sure he got everything on his list he wanted, and I found some things that weren't even on his list and made sure he had a nice Christmas. Guess what?? He didn't even spend the damn $150 on me. Nope. Said he didn't have time. And how long has Christmas been on the calendar exactly??? AND he told me that a couple things he ordered for me wouldn't be here by Christmas, but one of the boxes showed up Christmas Eve. But he never gave it to me. I kid you not. I asked him Christmas night what was in the box and he told me he was going to give it to me for another occasion. Oh great....so now I have to wait for my birthday to finish getting my Christmas presents?!?  I got socks and yoga pants for Christmas and an ugly damn scarf that looks like a child made it that he bought from someone at his work so I can't even take it back to get one that will match my coat. And scales...scales that at one point I wanted but then my son bought new scales so I specifically told him I didn't want new scales. He bought them anyway. And he can't remember where he bought them so I can't take them back. Oh...and the 4 movies I got? Oh yea...I bought those myself.

I wasn't in a very good mood the next day...ya think? So Sunday night he hands me a Walmart bag and says 'If it really means that much to you.' Ummmm no...it meant that much to me on Christmas....now you're a day late and several dollars short. I didn't open it. It's still sitting on the coffee table. I want to burn it. Oh...and when he gave it to me and we were 'talking' about how he could possibly not have the 'time' to shop and trying to find a reason why I wasn't good enough for him to give me what he had bought for me he drops this on me.....

There is more stuff from B&BW that I really wanted that he hasn't given me.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Get this...he was just going to put it away in the closet for me. How the fuck is that a gift??? And how am I not supposed to be hurt??? Somebody please tell me!!!

And if that wasn't enough icing on the cake and you were waiting for sprinkles....

We have a rule in our house that guns should not be played with in the house. I compromised to allow the laser guns in the house. But we have both agreed that anything that could potentially shoot a projectile should be played with outside. Namely BB guns. Are you following me here? You know where I'm going...right?

After the big fallout with whatever is in the stupid Walmart bag I walk into his son's room where he is with his son to tell them that dinner is ready. And what is laying on the bed? His fetching BB gun!! As if the kid didn't get enough crap for Christmas he managed to go downstairs (with help from his father I have no doubt) and get his BB gun from the gun rack (which he couldn't even reach on his own) to play with in his room. And why you ask? Because my son got a BB gun for Christmas and isn't even allowed to take it out of the box until we go shoot it. But oh no....my husband's son has to rub it in my son's face that rules don't apply to him. And when I asked my husband about it...do you know what he said??? He said he forgot about the rule. I wish I was kidding. I really wish I do. I wish this was a bad episode of Punk'd. But it's not. It's my life.

My son wouldn't even come to my work with my husband and his son to have lunch with me today because he said my husband's son had already pushed his buttons today and he didn't want to get in trouble for something he might do or say. So he stayed home while my husband and his son got to go out to lunch. Doesn't quite seem fair does it?

One minute I'm hurt, then I'm numb, and then I'm angry and then I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. I want my husband back. It wasn't like this 6 months ago. The counselor explained how my husband was being manipulated, how his son is out to sabotage our marriage and my husband is playing right into his plan, and my husband promised to back me up, he promised to make the same rules apply to both kids, he promised to hold his son accountable, he promised to be fair. Then Friday night he tells me that he doesn't see where he needs to do anything, it's all me. I'm just sick, curled up on the couch in a fetal position sick. The only way I got to sleep the last 2 nights was by taking Loratab I had leftover from my surgery. That's going to last about 3 more nights. Then what??

I don't want to lose my husband. I don't want my marriage to end. But I know a relationship takes two people and if he lets his son make this decision for him and I mean so little to him then I don't know what I can do to stop him.

Just fucking great. My son just called and wants to spend the night at his friend's house tonight because he says that HE doesn't want to cause any problems. Unbelievable!!!

I really have no idea where the New Year is going to start or end. I'm just really lost right now.

Catching up with bullets....

I haven't posted anything in quite a while so I thought I'd take a few minutes and get you caught up. I think the best way to do this is with bullets. Too bad we don't have a Christmas themed bullet list. Oh well, I guess you'll have to suffer with the boring old stuff.

• I have a few new followers. How does that happen when I haven't even been blogging?? Thank you so much for following me!! And thank you to all my followers for not ditching me while I had the covers pulled over my head ignoring the world. I'm going to try to blog more. Please be patient with me, winters are hard on me and the winter blues are setting in hard this year.

• Thanksgiving kicked my ass. I haven't been to the gym since the Monday before Thanksgiving. I've gained 3 pounds from my lowest. But, I've lost 1 pound from my highest since Thanksgiving. I haven't been tracking calories or protein and I haven't been getting enough water. I need to get motivated but for various reasons I could really give a shit less right now.

• Last weekend was a B.A.D. weekend. My husband and I have been having some serious problems with his family, mostly because they believe I am the spawn of satan because I have tattoos, I love my gay family and friends, I'm fat, and I have 2 children from different fathers, among other various unforgivable sins. To make a long story short we have spent the past 2 years of Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family. When we left his sister's house on Christmas Eve last year I had BITCH written on my window....such a loving Christian sentiment don't you think? And of course nobody will take credit for it. For Valentine's Day his mom handed out personalized Valentines to all the kids except my son.  This year due to their attitude and making me and my kids feel like shit we have decided not to attend any holiday parties at their homes. And they are so pissed because it's all my fault they don't get to see their grandson...not Wade, just his son. Makes my husband feel real good! So last weekend we decided to have lunch with his parents...in a public place...to talk about things and try to bury the hatchet. BAD IDEA!! They brought the hatchet alright...but not to bury it. It's not a good sign when before you even get seated your father is threatening you with a law suit for grandparents visitation rights....which don't really even exist in Idaho. He obviously didn't think I'd know anything about that. It was awful! I was attacked and yelled at and at one point I swear his dad was going to hit me. My husband was trying to stick up for me as best he could. I don't get pushed around easily and yes, I yelled back. I stood my ground. I stuck up for my husband, my kids, and me. And when both his mom and dad yelled at me to shut up I told them they had no right to speak to me that way. I was called a liar. They said they wished Wade had never met me. His dad accused me of writing BITCH on my own window just to cause problems. I left the restaurant in tears. I bought a pack of cigarettes and a Diet Dr. Pepper. I smoked 1 cigarette and walked back to the hotel, which was about a mile, in the snow. I just wanted to be alone. That night at the Army Christmas Party I drank a lot of vodka. It was a BAD weekend!!

• I have decided I need a new exercise goal. I accomplished my goal to walk a 5K and I felt really good about it. I'm hoping a new goal will get my ass to the gym and get me motivated. My new goal.......is to pass the Army Reserve PT test. The soldiers in the Army Reserve have to pass it two times a year. And I'm going to do it this spring. It's not crazy bad...but enough to be a real challenge. I will need to do 16 push ups (real ones from the toes, not sissy ones from the knees) in less than 2 minutes, 36 sit ups in less than 2 minutes (it might be a few more than that, I forget the exact number right now), and walk 2.5 miles in 39 minutes. This all has to be done one after the other. I have NEVER done a push up before so this will be interesting. The FRG (Family Readiness Group) president is going to do it with me and I think we're going to get some of the other wives/girlfriends/husbands/boyfriends to do it with us. We're going to wear Army shirts and everything.

• Christmas sucks! I am really not feeling it. My family has not done a Christmas party together since before my mom died but I decided to throw one together this year. My dad is even coming from Utah for it....that is HUGE considering he has NEVER accepted an invitation for dinner at my home in my entire life! I've got a lot of fun things planned but I haven't even put up Christmas decorations yet. I just can't get into it but I don't want to let my family down. The plain and simple fact is that I miss my mom. I miss her terribly. And Christmas just isn't the same without her and it never will be. Christmas was my mom's favorite holiday and every little decoration, every song, every twinkling light is a screaming reminder that she's not here and never will be again. I'm crying now just writing this. It's been almost 17 years since she passed away...and it never gets easier.

•  I think I'll leave on a happier note. This is a comparison of the three years that my husband and I have been together and that we have gone to the Army Christmas Party. Thanks to Jen and her fabulous tutorial for the instructions on how to do a collage. I cannot believe the difference in my face! And yes, that is my Chicago dress.

Paying it forward...Please welcome 'Bones'

Hey my blog sisters there's a new bandster in town. Well, she's not a new bandster but she's got a new blog. And she's so dang nice and funny and I'm lucky to know her as a friend. I've been telling her since this summer how great you all are and that she should do a blog. And now you all get to know her too. She could really use some support and sisterhood lovin'. So....would you please help me show her how great you all are and head over to Long Lost Bones and say howdy? If you hurry you can catch her first post and be able to say you followed her from the beginning. Thanks everybody!!

XOXO

It's been awhile since I posted anything so I thought I'd take a few minutes and let you all know how things are going.

• I'm 1 1/2 pounds away from losing 60 pounds. I really want to be in the 250s by Christmas so I've got to get my shit together.

• I went to the gym tonight for the first time in almost two weeks. I really didn't want to go but I knew I needed it. When I go to the gym regularly then I want to go and I look forward to it. When I slack off for more than 3 days then it takes a cattle prod to get me back. I have to stop being a slacker.

• I'm doing better drinking my water. I'm getting about 72 ounces a day. I got one of those nifty water bottles from Target that has the counter on the cap like Amy W had a while ago. It's a 24 ounce bottle. I set a task reminder on my computer at work and I keep hitting the snooze on it for 15 minutes. So every 15 minutes I get a reminder that pops up on my screen that tells me to drink water. It's cheesy but it works and I'm finally getting enough water in me.

• We went to Utah last weekend. It was a fabulous weekend. We got to have dinner with Lara (Band Babe) and her husband and son. They are a such a cute family!! And I swear Lara has lost another 10 pounds since Chicago. She is SO beautiful. Seriously, I want to be her when I grow up. I'll probably write more about our Utah weekend later. 

That's about all I have for now. Everybody have a great week!

What's up with my URL? ...and other stuff

Miss Tori over at thewindingroadtoparenthood has let me know that there is something wrong with my URL settings on my blog. Does anyone know why she would be getting a message that my blog doesn't detect a feed for URL? When I went semi-private I changed the setting for search engines to find me but I didn't think I changed anything about URLs. Of course I could be wrong. I just went back into my settings but couldn't find anything about URL settings. Any suggestions? Anybody??

Today is the first day of the Holiday Challenge. It's the first challenge I have done so this will be interesting. My weight this morning was 274.4, which is up from last week. Ummm yea, I really need this challenge to get my motivation back.

I haven't been blogging much lately, or reading, or commenting. Yea, I know, I suck!! I've been feeling blah and just haven't felt like doing much of anything. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, whether I'm up or down, in or out, right or wrong, or if I'm just going crazy. I've been reading a lot. I crawl into bed and escape into someone else's world and then I don't have to deal with my own. I'm stressed. I cry at least once a day. I just want to run away! I hate the shorter days, going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark. I can't get warm. I miss the sun! The snow hasn't even started yet and I already hate winter. Mostly I'm just bitchy and in a pissy mood and can't find anything positive to say about anything if I had to to save my life. And I don't want to come on here and be all Debbie Downer so I've just been trying to lay low and hope that I'll wake up and feel better, so far that's not happening.

I have a lot of  blogs to catch up on so I'm going to go try to read a few before I go to bed. Have a good Monday everybody.

Bedhead for Dazee

Ok Dazee this is for you. Just cause you make me laugh and I big fluffy purple heart you!!

If you don't follow Dazee then you are really missing out. She is sassy and sarcastic and funny as hell...and I love her field trips. So if you don't follow her then you should. Cause really, your day isn't complete without a dose of Dazee.

This week Dazee challenged her followers to post a pic of their bedhead. Yes really. And I fell for it.

So, here it is....but first a little disclaimer that I will delete these pics after a few days...cause really...this is not flattering in the least.

Time for a lip wax?

The toilet in the background really makes it special, don't you think?

My Confession

I have a confession....



I ate 1/2 of a glazed donut for breakfast. It didn't taste as good as I remember it.



That is all.

Going Private.....sort of

I've been thinking for awhile now about how I wish I could start my blog over and what I would do differently if I could. Then Drazil talked about doing just that. And one of our Boob's took the leap and started fresh. So I decided to stop thinking about it and actually do something about it.

I started toying with names for a new blog, code names for my family and me, and how I would want my new blog to look. And I started worrying about whether my followers would follow me to a new blog, and what about all the blogs I follow....it would take me forever to put all those on a new blog. The more I thought about it the more overwhelming it became.

I really like my current blog, and I like the name....it just fits me. I don't have anyone following my blog that I'm not comfortable with...I'm just trying to avoid any of my family or co-workers from stumbling across it and figuring out it's me. And I don't want to feel like I can't talk about something if it would hurt someone's feelings if they found my blog. So I started thinking....what if I made my current blog private? What would I have to do to make that happen and would it even be possible at this stage? What if I removed all the identifying information on my blog? Would that work? I hope so because that's what I did. All proper names and  for me, my husband and my children have been changed. Photos have been deleted. References to where I live have also been deleted.

When I was at BOOB's and I walked into the room where Draz and Jenny were handing out the t-shirts and goodie bags someone called me Donut Butt. And I liked it. So that's me now. I hope my followers will stick with me. I promise I'm not changing who I am. The only thing changing are the names and places to protect the innocent...or not so innocent as the case may be.

XOXO

I'm going to need bail money!

I just need to vent for a minute. I can't really yell at my husband for his ex-wife being an irresponsible, lazy,  cretin so I'm here and you'll just have to bear with me. Or not. I'm not writing this really for feedback, but just to get it out. So if you don't want to read this I'm ok with that. And you might regret it if you do. Just warning you. This is not a pretty side of me!

So hubby and I thought it would be a great idea to take advantage of the lower mortgage rates right now and refinance my house. I bought it with my ex-husband and then I got it in the divorce. And I thought it would be a good time to put my husband on the mortgage, ya know, since we're married and he pays his fair share of the bills and all.

We've been going through the motions, getting all the documentation, had the appraisal done, ready to close by the end of October and way excited that we won't have to make a November house payment so we can do Christmas shopping and maybe a trip to Utah to see friends and family.

BUT that freaking bitch face has screwed things up AGAIN! It turns out that she never refinanced their house to take hubby's name off it. AND she was 30 days late on a payment less than a year ago. I am going to rip her arms off and beat her with the bloody stumps, then I'm going to rip her head off and shit in the hole!! I am so fucking pissed!!!

This pisses me off so freaking bad because I am anal about bills, I protect my credit score like one of my children. I check it at least twice a week. I consider myself a responsible consumer. So, when someone that makes 10 times what I do and has at least 4 more years of college then me can't get her act together to pay her bills on time and follow through on a court order to have husband's name off the house loan...oh over a year ago she was supposed to do it. I GET PISSY!!

So...husband's credit shows a late house payment within the last year AND with her $2000/mth house pymt figured into our debt to income ratio it totally kills us! Did I mention I'm mad as hell?

And will my husband say anything to her about it? Hell no! They don't talk. The extent of their communication is him texting her to find out where to pick up and drop off their son for visitation. It's like he's scared of her or something and it pisses me off. So, it looks like I'm going to have to get in the middle of it, which I didn't want to do.You just don't mess with my credit! You just don't!!

We've already been turned down by 2 lenders because of her bullshit. Talk about being beyond embarrassed when the broker called to tell me. The mortgage broker is still trying for us, so hopefully he'll come through.

I know times are hard for everybody, so please don't anyone think I'm looking down my nose at anyone having a hard time right now. I'm not. I've been at the bottom of the barrel and I know it sucks big donkey dicks. But this is just so typical of her to do something like this and quite frankly this is the last straw! She is not in any financial stress right now. She has a maid for just her and an 8 yr old child in a 5 bedroom house. She takes professional golf lessons. She goes on week-long guided hunting and fishing trips. She has a Lexus, a Prius, and a 1/2 ton truck. She goes on week-long vacations every other month. She has no reason or excuse for this other than just being lazy!! I swear it's a good thing I'm at work because if I ran across her right now I'd have to do my next blog from jail. They have computers in jail, right?


Rant over. And no, I don't feel any better. But it's Friday and after work I'll go to the gym and work off a lot of agression and then I'll have a couple drinks. And then maybe I'll feel better.